Mark Cavendish is one of the greatest British cyclists of all time, with more than 140 professional wins to his name: 48 stage wins across all three Grand Tours with a points classification jersey at each, as well as a world and a national road race championship.
Yet he has not been selected for the 2019 Tour de France after Dimension Data’s management disagreed on his selection.
Cavendish spoke exclusively to cycling correspondent for The Spoof, Plagny Toxique.
"This Lycra allergy has been plaguing me for years and I didn't know it. At first I thought it was the usual bike racer's condition - sweaty, itchy bollocks despite using talcum powder on a daily basis. But it gradually escalated over the years until after every race I had to apply ice packs to get the swelling down. In the last few years it's become even worse and they would swell up like an elephant's nadgers. Embarrassing and painful. Antihistamines didn't help at all."
"After each stage of the last Tour de France I contested I had to carry my undercarriage around in a bucket of iced water until the next morning when it would almost be back to normal, only for the cycle to start all over again.
"After missing this year's Tour I have to make a tough decision. Do I retire or have my balls cut off? I'll let the wife decide."