Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 2 July 2018

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Former Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong after decades of substance abuse

Chris Froome will be allowed to race in the Tour De France after all doping charges against him were dropped. Prosecutors said:

"No one fucking watches cycling anyway so who cares?"

The four time Tour winner has been under investigation for 7 months as cycling bosses “ummed and arrred” about whether or not to ban one of its few bankable stars. In the end they decided as drug cheating was rampant throughout the sport anyway they might as well let him carry on.

There have been calls from some in the sport to allow participants to “take whatever they want” to improve its image. Harold Wappenaar of the Dutch Institute For Cycling Really Really Far said:

"The public’s interest in professional cycling is at its lowest level in years. Not that it’s ever been that high anyway, about the same level as the Rotterdam nose picking contests I think. Why would you stand at a roadside for the chance to glimpse a bunch of rich kid’s bike past you on machines worth more than your house? It’s boring so let’s spice it up a bit! Let them take drugs, let them have weapons to knock each other off, hell give all the spectators a gun let’s see how many of them finish then."

Chris himself is said to be happy he’s gotten away with the whole drug cheating thing and he’ll continue to race to the best of his performance enhanced ability as long as his steroid weakened heart will allow him to.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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