A man's testicles are special; they're delicate, and when, as sometimes happens, a man decides he wants rid of the lion's mane of pubus stragglia around his cock and balls, he either does it himself, or allocates the task to someone he trusts implicitly, such as his wife.
That was what one man in Newark thought at the weekend, but he has since been forced to re-evaluate the amount of trust he still has in his spouse, after she made a right fucking pig's ear of shaving his gonads.
Terry Gibson asked his wife Gill to shave his balls for him, knowing that attempting the maneuver himself might well end in bloodshed. She agreed, and set about the business in hand.
First, she used her sewing machinist's scissors to 'thin out' the pubic tufts which years of unchecked growth had accumulated around his tackle. Then, using his razor, she gently cleaved away at the stubbly remnants, making a kind of 'scraping sound' as she moved over the testicular landscape.
Gill had all but done when the phone rang. This was crucial. Her attention was momentarily diverted from Terry's bollox, but this was all it took.
At the first chime of the ringtone, Terry winced. He foresaw the future, and it wasn't very far away. Gill took her eye off the game for a microsecond, and will hear Terry's scream echoing around the bedroom, down the stairs, into the garden and around the leafy neighborhood until the end of time. Her fingers turned red, and so did the carpet.
Terry writhed, but his bollox still seared with pain. Gill got a towel, which also turned red, then rang for an ambulance. Her husband was whisked to the Emergency Room for some 'nipping and tucking'. After some deft repair work, surgeons were able to save both Terry's knackers.
A relieved Gill was later told:
"Use tweezers next time."
