Champions League Place Contenders Couldn't Be Arsed

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 23 April 2019

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We're not bothered.

UEFA fat cats were astounded at the weekend when players from Premier League contenders for a place in their flagship competition, the Champions League, decided that they couldn't be arsed, and surrendered to their opponents during the Easter weekend.

Chelsea were the only team of the third to sixth place clubs to gain a point, as their players did show a flicker of interest in qualifying for the competition for the crème de la crème and Barcelona, but after taking a 2-1 lead decided that the effort was all too much. They happily allowed Burnley to go home with a comfortable draw, although David Luiz did have a bit of a moan about Burnley tactics. Nothing new there.

A weakened Tottenham team was still basking in last week's 4-3 defeat by Manchester City, in which away goals saw them qualify for this season's Champions League semi-final, and they were quite content to suffer their third defeat of the season to the Manchester moneybags.

Arsenal had managed a competent win away against Napoli on Thursday, and returned to their fortress at The Emirates stadium for Sunday's match against Crystal Palace, who are aiming at mid-table obscurity. In an act of altruism, Gunners central "defender" Shkodran Mustafi decided to allow Christian Benteke to score his first goal for a year by leaving him unmarked. After that, it was downhill all the way as Palace ran amok, and scored two more in a 3-2 victory.

The best example of showing disdain for UEFA's moneyspinner was Manchester United's performance in a 4-0 away defeat at Everton. United have lost six of their last eight matches, and the team was determined to continue their run of mediocrity, for which newly-appointed manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer apologised.

Tuesday morning newspapers were filled with stories of threats to leave United, from goalkeeper David de Gea, midfielder Paul Pogba and striker Romelu Lukaku, who will all consider their futures if Manchester United fail to qualify for the Champions League. Don't you all think you should play better then?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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