Football Gossip: Mike Dean's 100 Red Cards, Celtic Prophylactic, Scotland Women, Togolese Referee Innocent

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 4 April 2019

image for Football Gossip: Mike Dean's 100 Red Cards, Celtic Prophylactic, Scotland Women, Togolese Referee Innocent
Lone Jamaican fan makes it in time for kick off

It was high fives all round, as referee Mike Dean etched his name into the record books by becoming the first referee to show 100 red cards in the Premier League. Manchester United captain Ashley Young spoke to The Spoof afterwards. "I'm proud to have helped Mike in setting this record and it was very emotional when he brandished the second yellow and then proudly waved the red to the crowd. I received a standing ovation from the fans for my part. This is the second time he's sent me off, and he's a great bloke."

Celtic manager Neil Lennon described the use of prophylactics at football as "totally uncalled for" after Celtic fans threw one on to the pitch and St. Mirren goalkeeper Vaclav Hladky had to be attended to after one landed with a loud bang near him. St Mirren manager Oran Kearney said Hladky was "a little bit shaken but OK".
Lennon spoke to The Spoof after the match: "I'm just hoping that the goalkeeper is alright. I mean, who in their right mind throws a johnny onto the pitch during a match? What do you mean it was a pyrotechnic and not a prophylactic? A firework? Oh, that's OK then."

Scotland Women will play at Hampden Park for the first time in seven years as they take on Jamaica in their final warm-up for the World Cup. The match is tentatively scheduled to kick off at 19:35 BST on 28 May, assuming that the Jamaican team turns up on time.

Banned Togolese referee Kokou Hougnimon Fagla has admitted he was asked to manipulate a friendly match but denies agreeing to do so. Fagla was banned for life after Fifa found him guilty of bribery. He told BBC Sport that allegations about a 2010 1-1 draw between South Africa and Bulgaria are lies, and that it was purely a coincidence when he was seen driving a new Mercedes the week after the match.

Out-of-work not so Special One Jose Mourinho has hinted his problems with France midfielder Paul Pogba may have stemmed from a row over the 26-year-old wanting to travel in his own Rolls Royce rather than the team bus. Friends of moaning Maureen explained that as he himself only drives a Jaguar Mourinho had decided that all United players should only drive a Toyota Prius in order not to outshine him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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