Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 11 April 2019

image for Football Gossip: Pogba Apprenticeship, Sun and Sangria, Gone in 39 Seconds, Not Maureen, Carroll Injury?
"I don't even like Spain. It's all sun and sangria."

Manchester United assistant manager Mike Phelan agrees with out of work former manager Jose "Maureen" Mourinho, that £89million buy and World Cup winner, France midfielder Paul Pogba, 26, is "not the finished deal." Phelan insists that Pogba should stay at Old Trafford to complete his apprenticeship.

Craig Levein insists he will be Hearts manager "for a while yet" despite losing Saturday's Edinburgh derby. Levein told The Spoof "Nobody is more disappointed than me, and I don't know where this speculation has come from. People say I'm moving to Spain - I don't even like Spain. It's all sun and sangria over there and, being Scottish, I would die from heat stroke."

On hearing that former "Special One" Jose Mourinho has ambitions to win the Bundesliga, the Deutscher Profifußballerverband, the German PFA, has submitted petitions to UEFA and the German Football Association demanding that Maureen should not be allowed to manage a team in Germany. Players' representative Joachim Arschloch was quoted as saying "we don't want that attention-seeking miserable Schweinhund anywhere near our players."

In an interview with The Spoof, defender Tomas Kalas, currently on loan at Bristol City, recalled his experiences of Reading's Madejski Stadium and how he was sent off there for the second time in less than three months in August 2017, this time within 39 seconds of kick off. Kalas told The Spoof "I am still annoyed that I didn't manage to beat the record of Ebbsfleet United goalkeeper Preston Edwards' by getting my red card in less than 10 seconds." Ebbsfleet keeper gets his marching orders.

Fans of West Ham are mystified by the news that injury prone striker Andy Carroll has had ankle surgery and has probably played his last match for the Hammers, on February 27th. Alf Garnett Junior, tattooed chairman of supporters' club The Iron Hoofs and member of the Football Lads Alliance, said to The Spoof "Who is he?" Carroll has scored three goals in the Premier League since April 2017.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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