Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 14 January 2019

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image for Andy Murray to Retire to Concentrate on Haggis Farming
Murray "Ye sassenach bawbags"

Everybody's favourite Scottish curmudgeon, Andy Murray, lost in five sets to some Spanish bloke nobody cares about, after having produced a superb fightback in the Australian Open first round.

In what might or might not have been his final match, Murray said he plans to retire after this year's Wimbledon, but fears that the Australian Open could be the final tournament of his career. Or maybe not.

The three-time Grand Slam winner had been in tears at a news conference in Melbourne on Friday, saying "I'm not sure I'm able to play through the pain for another four or five months. I want to get to Wimbledon and stop, but I'm not certain I can do that.

"I'm going to take a long-overdue rest, and set to work on my long-term project of haggis farming. Ever since I was a boy and me mam took me to Carol Smillie's restaurant where I ate haggis balls, I have wanted to breed haggis on my own farm."

Amid sniggers from the assembled alcohol-sodden sports hacks, The Spoof's courageous sports correspondent, Paxton Quigley, expressed his disbelief that haggis existed in the wild, let alone on a farm. The Scottish maestro's retort was immediate, before he stormed out of the press conference:

"Ye fucking sassenach bawbags, I'm a troo Scot, and I know what I'm talking about. To my fans, maybe I'll see you again. I'll do everything possible to try. To youse idiots, you never liked me, so fuck you all."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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