It has been revealed that an ancient and valuable document has been found in the Outer Hebrides, part of Scotland, relating to POTUS Donald Trump's Scottish ancestry.
The delicate parchment was discovered in a previously-unsearched chamber, deep beneath the Standing Stones on the Isle of Lewis, part of the Outer Hebrides, also known as Innse Gall. The chamber has become accessible due to the recent heatwave, causing flood waters beneath the Standing Stones to recede, giving access to dank, dark places hitherto unexplored.
The script, wrapped in a leatherbound, airtight pouch, is in ancient Gaelic, and can be translated by only a handful of academics. Having been flown to Cambridge University in the UK and translated in full, an anonymous professor had this to say: "This appears to be in the form of an ancient curse on Trump's family. In it, the protaganists have summoned Celtic Gods to ensure that the Trump family and its ancestors find wealth enough to ensure they never return to Scotland, but also don't develop enough brains to do any harm to the world. It seems the family were banished for practising skullduggery, an ancient form of politics."
The final sentence, a warning, goes: "whereby ye crabbit men be warne'ed of the direness and ploy of this, ye landed curse, ye kinsmen shall always be noooon as thy doooooomed wind of the craic of fatasss."
This translates as "the family name shall always mean Great Fart".