Alice Horn beats US Open officials in closely contested match

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Monday, 3 September 2018


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Tennis great Alice Horn "beats the heat" after grueling match against US Open officials

New Yawk, New Yawk--Tennis player Alize (French for “Alice”) Cornet (French for “Horn”) took off her shirt during a US Open match against Sweden's Johanna (Swedish for “Joanna”) Larsson (Swedish for “Larson”).

Horn claims she was “hot.” (Many male tennis plans agree with the brown-eyed blonde's self-assessment.)

Her opponent, however, contends, “Joanna was trying to distract me. She was losing the set. By the way, I'm not gay, so her ruse failed.”

Ultimately, Larson won the match.

Horn, who'd just returned to the court after a 10-minute “heat break,” said she discovered she'd put her shirt on backward. When she removed her top, she also discovered she'd forgotten to put her sports bra on, she claimed.

“It was 38 degrees; I wasn't thinking clearly,” Horn whined.

Officials issued the 28-year-old topless player a code violation. “This is tennis,” they explained. “No one wants to see a player's ta-tas,” using a slang term for “tits.”

Most of the male fans, other than those watching the men's games, disagreed. “When it comes to ladies' tennis, it's all about the ta-tas,” one male voyeur, uh, observer, said.

Horn objected to the “doubles standard,” which allows men to change shirts on court when playing doubles with female partners but denies female players the same privilege.

Lesbian tennis legend Martina (Czechoslovakian for “martini”) Navrátilová (Czechoslovakian for “vulva lover”) said, “I'd much prefer to ogle Horn's hooters than any male tennis player's moobs.” (For men who prefer to watch women, rather than men, play tennis, “moobs” is a portmanteau word, combining “man” and “boobs.” If you're not sure what “portmanteau” means, look it up; this is a news article, not a textbook for illiterates.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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