Written by Gee Pee

Monday, 3 September 2018

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Alice Horn beats US Open officials in closely contested match
Tennis great Alice Horn "beats the heat" after grueling match against US Open officials

New Yawk, New Yawk--Tennis player Alize (French for “Alice”) Cornet (French for “Horn”) took off her shirt during a US Open match against Sweden's Johanna (Swedish for “Joanna”) Larsson (Swedish for “Larson”).

Horn claims she was “hot.” (Many male tennis plans agree with the brown-eyed blonde's self-assessment.)

Her opponent, however, contends, “Joanna was trying to distract me. She was losing the set. By the way, I'm not gay, so her ruse failed.”

Ultimately, Larson won the match.

Horn, who'd just returned to the court after a 10-minute “heat break,” said she discovered she'd put her shirt on backward. When she removed her top, she also discovered she'd forgotten to put her sports bra on, she claimed.

“It was 38 degrees; I wasn't thinking clearly,” Horn whined.

Officials issued the 28-year-old topless player a code violation. “This is tennis,” they explained. “No one wants to see a player's ta-tas,” using a slang term for “tits.”

Most of the male fans, other than those watching the men's games, disagreed. “When it comes to ladies' tennis, it's all about the ta-tas,” one male voyeur, uh, observer, said.

Horn objected to the “doubles standard,” which allows men to change shirts on court when playing doubles with female partners but denies female players the same privilege.

Lesbian tennis legend Martina (Czechoslovakian for “martini”) Navrátilová (Czechoslovakian for “vulva lover”) said, “I'd much prefer to ogle Horn's hooters than any male tennis player's moobs.” (For men who prefer to watch women, rather than men, play tennis, “moobs” is a portmanteau word, combining “man” and “boobs.” If you're not sure what “portmanteau” means, look it up; this is a news article, not a textbook for illiterates.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
75 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more