Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 7 December 2018

image for Football Gossip: Hibs, Arsenal "Hippy Crack", Tevez, Mourinho?
Poster boy Tevez: "Embarrassing"

Hibernian defender Ryan Porteous has denied that head coach Neil Lennon has lost the dressing-room after a run of seven games without a win. Said Porteous "I can categorically confirm that it was still there after morning training".

Arsenal players are to be "spoken to" by club chiefs after images emerged allegedly showing four members of the first team inhaling nitrous oxide at a pre-season private party to which 70 young women had been invited. The event has spread discord among the Arsenal squad with team mates outraged that they were not invited as well.

The continuing dispute between Frank Skinner and (Kan)Ye West over West's attempt to buy West Bromwich Albion, has forced the delusional short-arsed rapper to turn his attention elsewhere. He is now in negotiation with po-faced Vice-Chairman Karen Brady to buy (Kan)Ye West Ham, but his insistence on a place in the 2019 series of The Apprentice is proving to be a sticking point.

A report from Kent Live claims that a Bromley Council inspection in August found that Crystal Palace's training ground kitchen in Beckenham, used by players and staff, had had a "significant mouse problem" for "several months". The club is "confident" that it will regain its five-star hygiene rating after being rated zero over a mice infestation. Palace "superstar" forward Wilfried Zaha is upset that his complaints were ignored that everything served, even cornflakes, seemed to have pepper grounds in it.

Being forced to play the second leg of the Copa Libertadores final in Madrid is "embarrassing for the people", says Boca Juniors poster boy forward Carlos Tevez "but not as embarrassing as having me in the team photo".

Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho has disappointed The Spoof, his fans and many detractors this week by avoiding any controversy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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