After claiming that his team does not have enough "mad dogs", Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho now blames his team's flaccid performances on being vaccinated against rabies.
Moaning Maureen has also accused France midfielder Paul Pogba of being "a virus" following their 2-2 draw with Southampton. Pogba's team mates are now resolved to undergoing another course of vaccinations.
Before agreeing to a new deal beyond 2020, Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea, 28, is waiting in the hope that constantly bitchin' Jose Mourinho will not be in charge next season.
Arsenal fans are dismayed that manager Unai Emery is interested in signing Barcelona midfielder Denis Suarez, 24. Said a club spokesman "don't worry, it's not the racist psychopath Suarez".
The Argentine government is planning strong action against violent organised fan groups, the infamous barra bravas, after the second leg of the Copa Libertadores final was twice postponed when River Plate fans attacked the Boca Juniors team bus. The return match will now be played at Real Madrid's Bernabeu stadium. The Argentine government has said it is working to neuter the barra bravas and has recruited a team of veterinary surgeons specialised in castrating animals.
Hearts manager Craig Levein was furious with referee Bobby Madden after losing 2-1 to Rangers, saying "it was like playing against 12 men". According to The Scottish Sun (Is there sun in Scotland?) he has since blasted SFA "secrecy" over referee complaints and raised the stakes claiming Hearts faced 13 men against Rangers on Sunday. An SFA spokesman says that Levein needs to buy a new abacus.
West Ham boss Manuel Pellegrini says the club has signed a £100m player in 26-year-old England midfielder Jack Wilshere. That's what he will cost the Hammers in wages and medical bills over the course of his contract.