Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 20 November 2018

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image for Football Gossip: Newcastle, Southgate, Cambridge Utd Women "It Was Too Small", Mourinho Relief
"Look, Jadon sent me a dick pic"

According to England Manager Gareth Southgate after Sunday's win against Croatia, Harry Kane "is the best goal scorer in the world. If only he could do it when it really matters".

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has sanctioned funds for the Magpies' January transfer-window activity. Friends of under-pressure manager Rafa Benitez have reported him as saying "what the fuck can I do with £20 and a handful of Sports Direct vouchers?"

A Women's FA Cup first-round tie between Cambridge City and Cambridge United must be replayed because the pitch was too small. City won Sunday's game 2-1, but visitors United have had a complaint about the dimensions upheld by the FA Women's Football Board (WFB). A United spokesperson said "The pitch measured 94 metres long and 58.7 metres wide. It was almost 14% below the minimum requirement and this is a major irregularity. It wasn't big enough for our girls, they couldn't really get going and certainly couldn't start a decent dribble."

Manchester United officials are breathing a sigh of relief as it is international week and all is quiet with manager Jose Mourinho. An insider told The Spoof "We are sick to death of Moaning Maureen's attention seeking. At least we can have a week in peace while he has only the youth team to bully."

Gareth Southgate says his young England side are benefiting from their "youth club" environment after qualifying for the Nations League finals. "I am sure if you speak to Callum, Jadon or the other youngsters, they feel comfortable," said the manager, "last night it was like a youth club - they were laughing and joking and having sex with girls out the back."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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