Written by Erskin Quint

Tuesday, 6 November 2018

image for David Batty Deserves England Send-Off, says Phil Neville
Not David Batty, yesterday. He was fishing up gravel pits an' off wi' ferrets.

England Netball team boss Phil Neville was adamant yesterday that nobody should question David Batty's recall to the England football squad for the friendly against the USA.

"I'm adamant that nobody should question David Batty's recall to the England squad for the friendly against the USA", he said, yesterday.

Batty is coming out of retirement to don an England shirt for the first time since he was sent off in the 0-0 draw with Poland in 1999.

The call-up has sparked controversy and ridicule, with James Corden controversially ridiculing Gareth Southgate's decision to recall Batty for a farewell appearance.

"It's a joke. They only selected him because they were going to pick the 1950 team that lost 1-0 to the USA in the 1950 World Cup, until they discovered that they were all dead. Even dead, they would be better than David Batty, the useless miserable Yorkshire twat."

But Neville remains adamant. "What does that fat gobshite know?" he said, of Corden, yesterday. "He should stick to karaoke and arse-licking. Nobody could miss a penalty and chin his own team-mates better than David Batty."

Batty, who now runs a fish and chip shop in Heckmondwyke, as well as a successful pest control business with his son, Terry, did not comment, yesterday, because we didn't ask him anything. His wife Norah said "He's out fishin' is our lad, up gravel pits. An off wi' ferrets. Bugger off now and tek thee doins wid thee."

David Batty had a notable England career, notable for missing a penalty against Argentina and for looking gormless.

"Why do people dwell on that penalty?" mused Phil Neville, yesterday. "Everybody missed penalties against Argentina back in the day. David was a cult. I loved it when he gripped that nonce Graeme Le Saux when they were playing for Blackburn. Le Saux had got upset when David shat on his teddy bear in the hotel in Moscow. That little pansy deserved everything he got. Batty is a legend"

Neville also had harsh words for those who have dubbed Batty The Stupidest-Looking England Player Ever. "Bastards. They know nothing. I know myself exactly what it takes to look as gormless as that."

Tony Dorigo, who played with Batty at Halifax Town, said, yesterday: "David Batty is just the man to have by your side if you were in the trenches in World War One. He'd sort the rats out for you no problem.

"Football-wise, he was hopeless, though", Dorigo continued, yesterday. "Thick as pigshit. But he did intimidate the opposition, the way he used to bite their ears off."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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