Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 6 August 2018

Professional “bitcher” and part time Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has claimed unless he’s allowed to sign all the players he wants, United could have a “very difficult season”.

He is quoted as saying:

"My CEO knows what I want. I know what I want. All the players here know they are not good enough for me, for me. I need at least 20 new players. Maybe 30. But it is out of my hands."

There have been suggestions that the Portuguese’s negative attitude may have a detrimental effect on the teams current stars. But Jose was having none of it, saying:

"I hate them. Martial. Smalling. Mata. Jones. I hate them all. I think our youth teams are rubbish. We should be allowed to swap our youth teams for better ones. All the players here are fat and have big, stupid faces, but I am not one to complain. I hate my life and I hate football."

Of course, United open their Premier League campaign against Leicester on Friday, and Jose has done his best to destabilize his opponents by claiming a bid for Harry Maguire is in the works:

"I do not talk about other teams players, and I am always respectful. But I can say that we want Harry Maguire and are preparing a bid for him. He should leave Leicester because they are a small shitty club that plays in blue, and we are an amazing team that plays in red. But, like I said, I don’t talk about other teams players."

It’s going to be a long season for United fans we feel.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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