With the Washington Redskins under a great deal of pressure to change their team name, the National Football League has decided to address the issue by requiring owners to update their clubs' names to reflect the current realities of their communities.
"We acknowledge that 'Redskin' is offensive and not at all reflective of where we are as a society in 2014, so we've encouraged ownership to change the team's name to something more reflective of today's Washington, D.C.: the Childish Politicians", said H. "Obbie" Lobbie, a spokesperson for the league.
We were able to obtain through our sources some of the new monikers which the league is expected to roll out next season. The following are but a few examples:
The New York Obnoxious Yuppies, The New Orleans Dumb Drunk Tourists, The Philadelphia Inferiority Complexes, The Tennessee Poneheads, The Atlanta Traffic, The Denver Burnouts, The Detroit Empty, The Minnesota Igloos, The New England Can't Pronounce Their R's, The San Francisco Gentrification, The Chicago Polish Sausage, The Green Bay Cheesedicks, The Arizona Cardinals of St. Louis, and the Baltimore John Waters Characters.
Interestingly, the Jacksonville Jaguars will be allowed to keep their name. It is not clear exactly why this is, but many have speculated that it is because commissioner Roger Goodell forgot they were a team.