In a move that surprised no one but the world's biggest misogynists, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell resigned from his duties on Thursday afternoon.
In a hastily called press conference, a tearful Goodell said he no longer felt he could make the best decisions for the NFL. "It's obvious that the league has changed and expects things of me that I cannot deliver," Goodell said with his head bowed in defeat.
Following the release of the uncut Ray Rice domestic abuse tape, Goodell originally denied ever seeing the tape. "No one involved in any way with the NFL has ever seen or possessed this video," Goodell insisted in an interview with TMZ.
Once an Associated Press report revealed the NFL had received the tape back in April, the world of social media began calling for Goodell's resignation. Never one to deny the power of Facebook, Goodell promptly relinquished his seat as the head of the NFL.
Within hours of Goodell's decision, the NFL owners voted unanimously to elect former NFL linebacker Ray Lewis as interim commissioner.
"This move just makes sense," Dallas Cowboys owner and recently accused sexual harasser Jerry Jones told the media. "Lewis embodies everything the NFL stands for. And he's been through this kind of thing before."
Another NFL owner, who chose to remain anonymous, wasn't as convinced. "I don't know if Lewis is the right man for the job. I only voted for him because I was afraid of what he would do if I didn't."
Lewis's first act as NFL commissioner was to reverse former-teammate Ray Rice's indefinite suspension. "This has nothing to do with being friends or ex-teammates," Lewis insisted. "This is about giving a man the second, third, fourth, and fifth chances he deserves."
Immediately following the announcement of the lifted suspension, the St. Louis Rams signed Ray Rice. The Rams, who are no strangers to media controversy after drafting and subsequently cutting gay football player Michael Sam, made room on their roster by cutting starting journeyman quarterback Shaun Hill.
"With Rice on our team, there's no need for a quarterback," Coach Jeff Fisher said, defending the team's decision to sign Rice. The Rams, who lost starter Sam Bradford to a preseason ACL injury, looked abysmal in their opening effort against the Minnesota Vikings. "Rice will add a lot of power to this team," Fischer added.
While Rice is able to play on Sunday, there is one catch. Rice is not allowed to wear pads or a helmet for the rest of this season. Instead, he will don a pink baseball cap and a black wife-beater tank emblazoned with the Rams logo. "I think that's only fair," Commissioner Lewis said. "After this season, he'll be allowed to wear full pads again. He'll have done his time."
Lewis was adamant regarding the league's commitment to its female fans. "I want everyone to know that the NFL supports women. We do not tolerate abuse of any kind. Rice's hat is a symbol of our appreciation for everyone with breasts. His wife-beater tank is like his Scarlet A."
Rice is expected to start for the Rams as both quarterback and running back in the team's game against the Buccaneers on Sunday.
"I've done my time and learned my lesson," Rice said, referring to the brief suspension he received for beating his then fiancée and now wife.
"We will win," Rice added. "That's a guarantee. I'm dedicating this game to my beautiful wife. Without her support and submission, I wouldn't be able to get back on that field and earn millions."
When asked if he was afraid to play without a helmet or pads, Rice laughed. "I'm not worried about that. I'm tough. Besides, you can't hit what you can't catch."
"When I'm out on that field this Sunday, I know I'm not alone. I'm not doing this for me and my wife. I'm doing this for every man out there who's ever beaten a woman and then had to fight to get his rights back."
Even with the Rice signing, the Buccaneers remain heavy favorites to beat the Rams on Sunday.