NFL spokesman Roger Allovem says he's tired of the mamby-pamby wannabe tough guiys whose claim to fame is beating up little women who weigh less than 120 pounds.
From now on, Allovem says the NFL won't be looking to the NCAA Division I teams as its hotbed for new talent, but will instead be looking toward the United States' toughest, meanest prison systems for recruiting purposes.
"There's some real tough guys in prison. It's survival of the fittest in there. They spend all their time in the prison yard lifting weights and when they return to their cells, they do pushups and sit-ups until they rest their weary bones on a hard metal cot. Then it's five hours of sleep and back to the game of survival again," Allovem said.
"They have to do this to stay strong to survive. We're not drafting any more of these spoiled and entitled brats out of the NCAA anymore. We're recruiting from where the really nasty bad-asses are housed - the U.S.'s state prison systems," the spokesman said.
From here on in, it's not LSU anymore, but C. Paul Phelps Correctional Center. And there won't be any more Syracuse Orange, but guys who used to wear orange jumpsuits in the Adirondack Correctional Facility or at Attica Correctional Facility.
"We won't be hobnobbing with Urban Meyer any longer. No more barhopping for defensive ends, cornerbacks, and tackles on High Street at Ohio State University. Now our number one go-to guy in the Buckeye State will be the warden at the Ohio State Penitentiary. Let's hear a loud 'hell yeah' for the new NFL!" Allovem screamed.
"We don't want some guy who floated through a bachelor's degree because the coaches strong-armed his professors to give him passing grades. We want a guy who's sent five other prisoners to the prison morgue and who can win 17 consecutive arm-wrestling bouts in the prison cafeteria.
"We want a real monster man. The boogie man himself," Allovem said.
"We want the kind of guy that Anton Sugar checks under his bed for, before he lays down to sleep at night," Allovem said with a very satisfied grimace.
Meet the new NFL: A place of blood, guts and glory. Allovem wants to see a new form of sports entertainment filled with a genuine - and not some pretentious and utterly laughable - blood-thirst and pigskin-piranha feast. And murderous intent and rabid unrefined butchery will take the place of greed and multi-million dollar players' contracts.
No more sports injuries. Nope. Lightweights and slipper-footed leprechauns who don't make it on the field will be taken to the boneyard or the crematorium. No mre being carted off to the locker room on a comfy and effeminate pink-laced stretcher for a few band-aids, a bottle of Gatorade, and some kissy-kissy from a few pretty water-bucket girls.
After such bad PR of 'little-woman'-beater Ray Rice's walk through impunity by only being suspended by the NFL for two games for savagely assaulting his then-fiancee, Commissioner Allovem has been vilified.
The NFL looks really bad. Even Allovem's dog doesn't talk to him anymore. The poor guy's thinking of purchasing a parrot, but he fears even such a talking, squawking, feathered friend won't talk to him, either.
Not to worry, though, there's nothing more dangerous than an NFL commissioner scorned. "The NFL's all about second chances," Allovem said. "Meet the kinder, gentler NFL. Will the real George please stand up? We want to give some poor guy who accidentally shot five people with an Uzi machine gun a new lot in life. We're working with the legal system to get him off on a technicality. It was all a misunderstanding. And let me tell you a few things about Uzis - they're a very erratic gun. It's like a Brush Hog mower that spits lead. He didn't mean to kill those five people in the convenient store. It sort of just occurred."
As far as potential recruits are concerned, "the skies the limit," Allovem said. "We know of one guy who entered the state prison system at an icky little 255 pounds of flab and blubber. Yes, we're offering him a new start and we're really working with the parole board to see that he's released early. He's been convicted of larceny, kidnapping, extortion, assaulting five police officers, attacking a judge and a prosecutor, and some other minor stuff. Really small stuff, it all is. . . .
"We'll spring him from the can. I guess the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers are very interested in him," the NFL commissioner asserted.
"Now he's 295 pounds of solid muscle and can bench press 680 pounds," Allovem continued. "In the off-season, he told us he plans to go to Spain and do the bullfight thing. No cape, no knives to stab into the bull. No. Not at all. . .
"He's going to take that 2,000-pounds of insolent bovine insanity and anger by the horns. He will lay it to the ground and tear it's head off, Allovem said with enthusiasm.
"Now we're talking corn chips. And as far as salaries are concerned, our new players say they'll be so happy to be walking around as free men, they'll work for peanuts.
"That's the kind of athlete we want to see in the new NFL. We want our fans to come out of the stadiums screaming like they just saw the most hideous of horror shows. No more smiling, happy, joyous fans - it's going to be dread and dead things from here on in," the NFL commissioner said.
Although the Baltimore Ravens fired Rice, a running back, for his little hissy fit, where he punched his then-fiancée several times, then smashed the girl's head into what looks to be some kind of handrail inside an elevator, the NFL higher ups, like Allovem, claim they weren't privy to the video. They claim they were left out in the dark about all the pertinent visual window dressing surrounding this very ugly chain of events, captured on some kind of surveillance video and broadcast very recently over all the national cable news channels.
Not to worry, though. Off to Plan B: "We're looking now at prison riot videos, namely, big gang fights in U.S. prison yards," Allovem said. "We've been focusing on the biggest, baddest brawlers. Tornadoes, tsunamis, and hurricanes of the homo sapient persuasion.
"Sure, they've got a few tattoos, but nobody can see all those ugly things under a helmet, shoulder pads, and a jersey, anyhow. And according to the latest U.S. Census, only five people in the entire country under the age of 30 do not have at least three tattoos," Rice explained.
"All NFL players have tattoos, even the Ivy Leaguers. It's a young guy thing, see?
"Jeezie weezie, what are they going to look like when they're 75 or 85 years old? They'll look absolutely ridiculous," Allovem said, in a rare philosophical pose, holding his chin in his right palm.