Written by E. Williams

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Baltimore, MD - Exiled NFL running back Ray Rice has landed a couple of endorsement deals in the wake of his humiliating firing from the Baltimore Ravens after video surfaced of him beating his future wife in an elevator months ago.

Rice inked a deal earlier today with a new online dating site that is hoping to compete with Match.com and eHarmony. The new site is called "I'd Hit That!" The dating site already has tens of thousands of clients and allows men to rate women before they go on their first date.

According to Ray Rice, the best way to win a woman is to find one the man feels comfortable taking down with one punch. Rice's wife, by virtue of the fact that she went on to marry the man who cleaned her clock, has proven that many women must be comfortable with the practice too.

Once on the site, chauvinistic pigs will be able to rank women as either: 1) I'd Tap That, indicating a mild attraction, 2) I'd Hit That!, indicating a strong attraction, and 3) I'd Knock That Bitch Out!, indicating the couple will probably hear wedding bells in the near future. Rice was paid an estimated $2 million to become the new face of the dating website.

Rice's second deal so far is as an instructor for a new fitness video. The video is tentatively titled "Next Time, Take the Stairs, Bitch!"

Rice will combine step aerobics with chasing female fitness models up and down flights of stairs, creating a new type of regimen that hits the major muscle groups of the lower body and triggers the adrenaline system for an awesome workout. If Rice catches a participant on the stairs, well, you know what happens next.

The soundtrack for the workout video features hits such as, "Love in An Elevator" by Aerosmith, "Knock Me Down" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar, "Attack Me With Your Love" by Cameo, "Seeing Stars" by Jack Ingram and "Love TKO" by Teddy Pendergrass. It appears that Mr. and Mrs. Rice are already starting over and both vow not to stay down for the 10-count.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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