Following Friday Night Nelson Performance
Over one hundred fans come down with the "Willies". "I shook so hard I missed the commode", stated one victim. "I hurt myself trying to fly from the bleachers to the floor", says Another.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Happy Meal Restaurants Doing Well
Fresh from local farmers who feed their pigs nothing but pure locally grown marijuana!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Michelle Obama Faints On News
300-pound man who works and eats all his meals at fast food restaurant, reportedly starves to death.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
U.S Job Market Jumps 10% in July
"That's one Big Mac, large fries and a king sized soda. Would you like fries with that?"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
U.S. Getting Hard Place to Live
With everybody watching each other and looking for terrorists and bugged furniture, we're all getting paranoid as the dickens!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Feds charge couple for series of sex acts on plane bound for Vegas.
Couple explain that if they got lucky on the way out, they might get lucky at the Blackjack tables!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Two Egyptians shot during latest protests!
Leader: "I said shoot into the AIR! Shoot into the air! Not into the pair! They were reporters from al Jazeera!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Reform Party to Reorganize.
"We've had the same people running the show for over six months now", says spokesman.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Latest From Science!
Better Labs reported this morning that their scientists have made a 'Living Bra' from stem cells.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Nuclear Stockpile Secure Here
According to kid on skateboard who wakes up grandfather from snooze with shotgun in his lap. "Right Grandpa?"
"Snzzzz! What? No Nazi's getting in here!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Man plays piano with a piano on his back
Also, "a man with a tape recorder up his nose!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Poll: Hispanics favor Democrats 2-to-1 over GOP
"We don't need walls on the border", says Joe Biden. "All Hispanics are welcome here."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Oprah Says Swiss Store used the 'T' Word!
"they may deny it but that lady I asked for help called me a Turdgobbler!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Oprah Has Vision
"I was doing my relaxation exercises and suddenly I saw the new Pope climbing a rope going up into the sky."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Swiss store denies wrongdoing in Oprah 'racism' spat
"Oprah just wants to keep her name in the news as much as possible. She can call people names and then get video only of their response."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Danish Muslim leader regrets role in cartoon rage
"None of those cartoonists should have been assassinated, especially those who were writing cute kids cartoons. But we live and learn."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Still A Lot of Jobs Not Filled
In Los Angeles, plenty of openings for workers to clean out peep-show booths. Same in many large cities...even Detroit.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
U.S. Secret service switch to old typewriters so they cannot be bugged.
Thief breaks in and steals typewriter carbon copies as boss man forgot to tell employees to destroy them.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Many on southern border still want fence
President: Twenty foot high and they'd get a long ladder. Thirty foot high and they'd come over in lawn chairs by helium balloons.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Oprah alleges racism at luxury store
No red carpet or nothing. That's no way to treat the Queen of Television Talk Shows.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Weiner still up & down in the polls!
"If I could stay up a little longer, I think I could still pull it off!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Michelle Obama Upset After Disguised Walk on Street
"There are entirely too many Towelheads using the 'N' word!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
NSA: We are not spying on average citizen!
But while we were, you medicine cabinet has too many outdated drugs in there!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop
Too many older people break their hip when they hop!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Obama Family Back at Martha's Vineyard
Martha's Vineyard business people upset. "Obama family bring 300 body guards and our tourists leave", says business owner.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Putin Is Pootin Mad
Russian leader very upset over Obama cancelling meeting and taking family on vacation again.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
GOP in House recommends part of moon for National Park
"And you thought the Republicans didn't care for nature and the environment! Let's have three national parks on Mars!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Doctors Without Borders Defend Zombies
"These poor fellows have been working for low wages and brains for many years now. That's why so many are in movies today. They work cheap."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Native Americans Trick Film Director
New western being filmed when suddenly the expected Indian Attack all appear on camels!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
With NSA and NYPD under scrutiny, is tide turning on surveillance?
"With all the cameras we have placed around the country, we shall see what those two are up to", says Tea Party Rep.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
California Fire Growing, Burns 22 Sq. Miles
"It's always been a big mystery that we firemen often discuss", says Captain. "How do the fires always know a square mile?"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Kremlin says no deal reached with Saudi on changing Syria stance on Egypt
"It was funny actually", says spokesman. "Right in the middle of the meeting everyone suddenly realized that none of us knew what we were talking about. It's very confusing."
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
NSA head: Agency working to reduce leaks by replacing analysts with machines
'No one has willfully or knowingly disobeyed the law or tried to invade your civil liberties or privacy'...PANTS on Fire! Pants on fire! Get the repellent!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
U.S. evacuates Pakistan because of 'specific threat'
In other words, Look out Pakistan, here come the drones!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
NOAA cuts hurricane prediction forecast
We may not even get up to Hurricane Pansy this year!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Virginia governor's race: Down, dirty, and a gigantic mess
Oh, much the same as usual!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Masked farmers throw 200,000 eggs in protest over low prices
Vice President Joe Biden: It's those Republicans, egging them on!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
IRS Agent: Agency STILL Targeting 'Tea Party' Groups 3 Months After Scandal Erupted
Tea Party Rep: They better start leaving us alone or we will begin targeting THEM, and we have more fire power.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Growing Number Of Restaurants Banning Children During Prime Hours.
"Couples are having romantic dinner at 9 PM and 3-year-old suddenly pukes all over the next table", says one restaurant manager.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Obama Family Needs Rest For All Their Breaks
President Obama and his family are heading to Martha's Vineyard on Saturday again for another week of rest and relaxation.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Lottery winning not worth the buck
50 members of the National Pork Fat Eaters Club in Olay, Alaska each gave $0.02 for a lottery worth a $million. After taxes, each took home $550. Said Ming Spuzz, club president, "No more of dis!"
written by shel, 09 August 2013
SPecial Announcement: Air Force Snafu
The U,S, Air Force has warned that there are three rouge drones out there that they have lost trace of. It is believed that they have somehow been hacked or that they can now reprogram themselves.
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
John Daly Speaks of His Death
"I'm so goofy and fat, I may croak on the golf course. Wouldn't that be something. 'He approaches his putt. The crowd is quiet and Daley DROPS DEAD!' Ha Ha. They could even bury me in the 19th hole!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
Former President Ahmadinejad Seen in Tehran
Friends say that ever since he lost the position of President Ahmadinejad has been in a bad Mah-mood. "He's ignoring people like they were Jews!"
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
"Extraordinary" Mayan frieze found in Guatemala
The frieze was richly decorated with images of deities and rulers, along with a mysterious inscription.
Oh no. Here we go again!
written by Bureau, 09 August 2013
