NYC Visit From Balls To Meet Weiner
Comedy writers fingers itching as Ed Balls pays a visit to Anthony Weiner! "We got the full package here in New York City today, folks!" Hee! Hee! Hee!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Kid Expelled From School Already
"All I said was that the meatball on my plate looked just like Michelle Obama," says 9-year-old. "It did...until FBI agent ate it. Guess he didn't know about us passing it around the lunch room."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
New Frog In Heated Water Weapon Invented By US!
First they don't even notice it", says Capt. "It heats up just a little at a time during the night. Probably the last thing victims will hear is, "Is it hot in here or is it me? Hey I'm stuck to bed."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Boomers Remembering Past
Boomers becoming nostalgic: "Remember the 1965-1968 289M Mustangs, 15-cent hamburgers & guys greasy hair, you often overhear. Also, "Remember when the only airbag in the car was your mother-in-law?"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
New Fuel Sources For The Future
Ralph Nader: We can learn to use rotting vegetables, winos in alleys, gas from Port-o-potties, dead horses, fat lady's sweat, Mexican Restaurant restrooms & politicians speeches for all fuel needs.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Stones Decide On Honesty
Rolling Stones change name of group to The Rolling Crones! Featuring: Sun Spots, Gray Mullet, Stretch Marks, Crows Feet and lead singer, Varicose Veins! "Jumpin' Jack Flash has some ga-ga-gas!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Out Of All Those Presidential Candidates
What's the odds? All those candidates to choose from and America lands four duds in a row! The only area they are brilliant in, is politics! Once the ceremony's over.."Uh, now where is that bathroom?"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
16-Pound Baby No Record!
It may not have been a record but I bet my screams made everybody in the hospital think terrorists were everywhere. Never marry a sumo wrestler. They just lie there & push you up & down. Rich or not!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Michelle Obama Surprise Landing in Afghanistan
We were supposed to land in Qatar, OK. They told me to cover myself. I used a judges robe, stocking over my head. I stepped out unto the moon's surface. So I began, "I grew up in a place like this..."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. directs agents to cover up program used to investigate Americans
Many Americans fleeing to Canada, Mexico or committing suicide by going on a cruise liner.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Justin Bieber's visit to New York club ends in mass brawl
"Publicity stunt", says one officer. "All that mess and not much actual blood. One guy stepped on one of the three broken Catsup bottles."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
What's The Number One Stock To Buy?
Experts say invest in the makers of 'Beano" as the Boomers are heading for 70 whether they show it or not.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Jay Leno Confesses
My dad had been with the mob at one time. "He finally told me. I always wondered why they called him 'Billy the Chin'."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Ohio death row inmate found hanged
Prison Staff: "If he would have done this 15 years ago he could have saved the taxpayers of Ohio a whole lot of money." (sniff)
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Joe Biden Declares "I'm One with Hunters"
In Texas speech he said his "'Pappy' used to hunt with an old squirrel gun. He finally got tired of squirrel hunting and sold it."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
CNN anchor returns to airwaves
CNN anchor Anderson Cooper returned to duty recently following his recuperation from a double mastectomy.
written by Gee Pee, 05 August 2013
Obama does not want repeat of Benghazi
President Barack Obama has ordered all American embassies closed, for fear that another "phony" Benghazi scandal could erupt, should more U. S. diplomats be killed while he does nothing.
written by Gee Pee, 05 August 2013
Late-night comedians find "gold mine" in Obama
Late-night comedians: "Barack Obama is not only amusing in himself, but the cause of amusement in others as well," a "gold mine" of material. "All you have to do is wait for him to open his mouth."
written by Gee Pee, 05 August 2013
Anthony Weiner: "New Yawk loves me!"
In a text message to a woman he sexually harassed over his cell phone, Anthony Weiner said New Yawk "loves me" and vowed to send every resident of the city a photo of his weiner.
written by Gee Pee, 05 August 2013
Anthony Weiner: "New Yawk loves me!"
In a text message to a woman he sexually harassed over his cell phone, Anthony Weiner said New Yawk "loves me" and vowed to send every resident of the city a photo of his weiner.
written by Gee Pee, 05 August 2013
Jail Crew Admit Guilt To Causing Over 500 Flat Tires
Jail crew in Tennessee who cleaned stretch of I-40 admitted they couldn't resist, after one found tumbled box of roofing nails.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Zimbabwe stock tumbles after disputed poll
After hearing news angry crowds in the street along with their Polled Hereford. "If stock drops, could kill Hereford", one tells reporter.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Weiner Wars
Anthony Weiner's opponent claims that Weiner himself is using jokes to get the male vote. But the females outnumber them & why would they vote for him, especially anyone named Edith? Now I'm doing it.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Anthony Weiner May Move
It's rumored that Anthony Weiner may move to Africa and change his name to Bataka Weiner.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Scientists to serve lab-made burger from the Cowsills
I'm sorry. That should be lab burgers made from cow cells!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Government's Bingo News
A Cabinet reshuffle has taken place. David Crosby is now PM and his Deputy is Lynton Cameron.
written by j.w., 05 August 2013
Va. gun crime drops, as state's firearms sales soar
"You come in here with a gun to rob the place and everybody here will have a gun ready to shoot you", says Storekeeper.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
NSA Reveals Reagan Comments While in China
"These are the worst tasting jelly beans I've ever tasted." "Those are baby Panda droppings, Mr. President. They dry them and make some kind of lucky necklaces."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
NSA Reveals Donald H. Rumsfeld's Compliments
Pick-Up Line?: "You know your chalk outline would really be curvy!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
NSA Releases Barry Obama College Days
"Once entire Fraternity got drunk and went to Junior Dance with monkeys as dates."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
2011 Obama: We have al-Qaeda on the run
2013: U.S. closes over 20 embassies overseas after threat from al-Qaeda!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
California Unemployment Reaches New High
Even the actors are losing jobs to cartoons characters.Plus new poll shows that 90% of all pet psychiatrists out of work.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Marilyn Monroe thought JFK would marry her, book claims
"I know how she felt", says Monica Lewinsky.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
'Cosby Show' actress comes out
"I'm gay", says Raven-Symone. "I had to come out of the closet or I'd suffocate in there with half of Hollywood jammed up. I think some males aren't even gay but like the jamming up."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
DOA Network in Mourning
Veteran DOA News anchor dies before getting to the hospital.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. Needs to see how rest of the world lives!
Statement by King Riso of Eastern Paloma Island and is immediately backed up by his 16 wives.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
FDA issues new statement
"Until we catch all these terrorists, I wouldn't laugh at eating horse meat."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Was moose exceeding speed limit?
Moose lawyer claims other moose's old man was after him with huge rack! "Patrol car was between runner arrested and mad moose chasing after him."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
In Honduras, inmates run prison
"Lot cheaper and easier to just throw food over the walls, shoot anybody trying to escape", says country's treasurer.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Astronomers Urged to Change Names
Political Correct Inc. asks astronomers to change several terms such as "Black Hole"!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Huge Sinkhole Opens, Swallows Three Houses
Iowa Home Owner: "We were already in the hole for that house!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Serving up a stem cell burger
Customers: "Oh no you don't. Not until you tell us if this started out as a horse....horse shit...your shit!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
King revokes pardon for pedophile
King: "Translation difficulty. I thought he was imprisoned for being pitiful!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Small African Country's President Changes Name!
"I like Weiner! It has that certain manliness to it", says King Weiner Numumba.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Middle East In More of a Mess Than Usual
Seven leaders replaced overnight, three of which had regained power by morning. Civil war breaks out in ? (You name it)
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. senators to meet Egypt leaders
Just as soon as they can figure out exactly who the Egyptian leaders are.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. on "high alert" in Yemen
Alex Rodriguez on "high" alert returning to Yankee stadium!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Four more U.S. embassies closed at random
Starting in September, monkey will throw at dart board to determine which embassies to close for that day. In practice session, monkey hits CIA agent in the ass.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Four more U.S. embassies closed, all are in Africa.
Embassies may close on rotating schedule to confuse Al-Qaeda, embassy workers.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
A-Rod Can Play Ball...For Now
Alex Rodriguez to play for Yankees while he appeals impending MLB suspension. Fans on the road to chant "Cheater" when he comes up to bat.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. Government: All phases of Americans should be monitored for their own protection! #3
"Sally in Memphis. You're using more than your share of toilet paper!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. Government: All phases of Americans should be monitored for their own protection! #2
"Uh Uh George in Cleveland. That's not your wife!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
U.S. Government: All phases of Americans should be monitored for their own protection!
"Ben in Iowa, don't be pinching your little sister."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Disney, Carnival Object to Nickname
There have been so many cruise incidents in the past year that reporters are phoning in the latest on these "Floating Bedpans".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
Also Available, Dr Scholl's Senior Diapers
Dr. Scholl's nose plugs for young couples with new baby hottest selling new item at pharmacies.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
New Restaurant Fails in NYC
Many reported that their hyena pudding was just a little off!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
200 foot sinkhole still expanding in Kansas #2
Locals still say a rocket caused it but the old couple, the Kents, say they were right there and the hole suddenly opened.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2013
