Scientist really Mad! Mad!
"I had just completed my first small brain and was about to call other scientists to come over and check it out when that stupid dwarf cannibal crawled in the window and ate it.!"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Obama Shits & Goes Blind Right There During Syria Meeting
It's hard to finally have to make a decision, especially after nearly 5 years as President", says newscaster. "At least, Jimmy Carter only had four."
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Nation tells President Obama not to tell them if we are at war
"It's the last summer weekend and I, for one, don't want to hear anything about any stupid war", average answer.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Australian Poet Dies At 95
Poet John Bonne will be missed. "Kangaroo Kitabo", "All of These, the Wallabees", "Place of the Wattle Trees" all treasured poems by many who called him "The Poet Who Lives in Australia".
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Most common of celebs dying last words?
Please, whatever happens, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me in any films.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Bald eagle crashes into window at Oral Roberts University chapel
A sure sign that Obama should keep us out of Syria!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Beyonce Rides Coney Island Roller Coaster
Miley Cyrus walking around her house! Madonna just took a dump in the bathroom! Justin Bieber drinking bottled water. More big news as we get it.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Artist Creates Clothes That Hide Wearer From Drones
First step toward creating cloaking devices for military aircraft?
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
San Francisco's China Town Sold
China will write off U.S. debts in exchange for San Francisco's China Town. Now looking to "Chinatown" in NYC.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
KERRY: Slaughtered 1,429 people in chemical attack
"Do we just turn our backs?", he asks so-called friends in Europe.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Jimmy Carter calls for 'peace conference'
Good idea if our enemies didn't consider it a weakness, Mr. Former President. Remember our people held hostage in Iran?
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
NASA Holding Big Flea Market of Space Gear
If you ever wanted to have your very own piss-into-water machine or "Collector's Item" space food tubes, now is the time to act.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Study: Americans Unhealthiest Among 20 Developed Countries
Many overseas tourist from USA have to carry "Unclean!" signs around their necks before they leave airport.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
White House After Guns of Americans While Talking War
NRA meeting selling shoulder-mounted missiles already over and everyone cleared out before Feds arrive. "They got too many friends in congress who tip them off", says FBI officer.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Two Defect to the Taliban
The Taliban still in Iraq say that two more from America have defected to their cause and will change their names to Drone Ahmed and Muhammed Drone.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Bernie Madoff Plea Turned Down
"Your Honor, I merely paid people their money out of other people's investments. I realize there was no money there, so I had to get new investors. Now how is that different from Social Security?"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
There But For Fortune
Young couple move out of downstairs apartment just one day before newly wed obese couple move in upstairs and fall through the ceiling, still attached!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Miley Cyrus Speaks at Tennessee High School
"You're each the star in your own story! Plus today, you're all a teeny little bitty walk-on in my magnificent story!"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Baltimore Man Uses Urinal in Record Time!
After hearing loud grunts, laughter & oooweee's from the center stall, he leaves in record time mumbling 'pervert'. In fact, he was long gone before old guy opens stall after one great bowel movement!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
New Museum Doing Great
New Star Trek Museum in New York City opens to a big crowd. However, NYC Metropolitan Museum of Art visitors during first month down 90%.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Dam Builders Give Solemn Promise
When asked about the bodies of those in cemetery including that of her late husband when water turned loose, widow assured, "Oh he'll pop up somewhere and we'll plant him again for you."
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Local Man Refuses to Leave His Home
After all his close neighbors accept cash for their homes as nearby dam nearly completed, Boss of the crew finally tells last homeowner, "You and your house better learn to swim by next Thursday!"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Big Football Announcement
One of today's top quarterbacks chooses halftime at televised football game to ask wife for divorce!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Latest From The Stones Tour
Woman who fell for her "Dream" man, Mick Jagger, 30 years ago, finally gets a front row seat. "Turns out that he's a nightmare", she laughs after concert.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Nancy Pelosi A War Hawk!
Assad hosted Speaker Pelosi during Bush administration. Blamed Bush for Iraqi war but now backs Obama to do the same thing. I wonder if all these politicians pick out which face to wear every morning?
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
U.S. allows states to legalize recreational marijuana within limits
Cheech and Chong to be given special award for leading the way! Fat Freddy's Cat to receive Posthumous Award!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Fresh fruit helps prevent diabetes, fruit juice boosts risk #2
According to Authorities who heard it through the grapevine!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Were Fred and Barney Gay?
Some parents point out lyrics, "We'll have a gay old time!"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
New Orleans promoted as a gay honeymoon haven
"Sure, they want us to all come down there and then they'd let the sea water back in", says one couple.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
.....Phoar!..what a stink!
A Vietnamese national trying to smuggle tropical fish into NZ in his pockets was floundered when water was spotted dripping from his trousers.....should have worn a Codpiece cobber!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 30 August 2013
Ford to make Fusion in US for first time
Also, it will be made by low-risk prison inmates and will be called the Ford Con-Fusion.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Fresh fruit helps prevent diabetes, fruit juice boosts risk
So be 100% sure that when you eat any fruit, to spit out the juice!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Russian, NORAD forces unite for exercise
This comes within weeks of United States admitting that there was an Area 51 in New Mexico but wouldn't reveal alien pics.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
UK's Syria rejection setback for PM
Also a setback for thousands more who will be gassed in Syria.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Feds OK pot use
But you cannot grow hemp that you could give thousands of Americans a job plus make fine clothing, etc.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Asylum Claims up almost 300%
Translation: We are three times as crazy as we were only a year ago!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Teen employment hits record lows
Why should we work when the government is handing out free money right and left?
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
After Gay Marriages Eligible for three years of refunds
Nearly ten million singles say they were married to each other secretly, will split refunds.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Bigger than anything any of five Star Trek series could dream up
Hubble telescope spots 'cosmic caterpillar' 6 trillion miles long.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
LATimes claims Democrats led passage of Civil Rights Act
"Native Americans invited European countries to come take over the country." "Democrat Robert Byrd was never a member of the KKK." History continues to be rewritten.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Bus driver in hot water for calling rider 'short, fat and white'
Short, fat, white student to sue school over comments!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Cameron first to lose war vote in Parliament since 1782!
"I should have known how unpopular President Obama is here", states Cameron. "So we give Assad permission to go ahead gassing innocent people. Well, at least I won't feel any blame over that."
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
POLL: 80% think Congress should decide...
Are you kidding? Congress can't decide what they want for lunch today!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Obama willing to go solo
Why not? He's already brought us down 'so low' that we have little respect from the rest of the world.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
Rolf Harris' new song
Rolf Harris has written a new song to commemorate his recent arraignment. Called Jake the Dick it satirises one of his earlier hits but with a little twist of irony. Good one Rolfy! Wooohoooo!!!
written by whatinthe world, 30 August 2013
Cameron Shock
David Cameron is blaming Tony Blair for wrecking his chances of Peace Prize over Syria.
written by j.w., 30 August 2013
President Obama's New Gun Control Proposal
President Obama has come up with a new gun control proposal. He says the bill will allow U.S. citizens to own as many guns as they want, but bullets will be limited to just three per gun.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Baseball Is Really Clamping Down On PED's
Major League Baseball has just announced that one of the team mascots has been fired after he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, hot dogs, and Cracker Jacks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Dancing With The Stars Says No To Weiner
The word out of Hollywood is that Anthony Weiner was going to be one of the celebrity dancers on Dancing With The Stars, but none of the professional dancers wanted him as a partner.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Russia's New Director Of Computers Loves To Drink and Talk
Russian President Vladimir Putin likes Edward Snowden so much that he has given him 4 cases of Russian Roulette Vodka.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Fast Food Workers Want A Raise and Fast!
Fast Food workers have gone on strike for more pay. Replacement workers are now being trained on how to say "You want fries with that?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Somehow "Grey's Anatomy" Starring Sandra Oh Is Not A Porno
Despite promising words from the cable guide, the show turned out to be some boring medical drama with no nudity or sex scenes.
written by Moe Nightwalker, 30 August 2013
Catherine Zeta-Jones Explains Why She Left Michael Douglas
Catherine Zeta-Jones has revealed the reason why she split from her much older husband Michael Douglas is to take a break from the constant smell of Ben Gay.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
The Black Preacher Said He Was Misquoted
That black preacher who called Walmart a little bitty cracker corporation says he was misquoted. He said he really called it a corporation that sells real tasty little bitty crackers.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Huma Abedin Says She's Heard All The Weiner Jokes
Huma Abedin, wife of Anthony Weiner, says that the Weiner jokes have really gotten out of hand.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Shellie Zimmerman May Be Divorcing George
George Zimmerman's wife Shellie says she may seek a divorce on grounds of being scared as hell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
A McDonald's In Detroit Closes Due To The Strike
A Detroit McDonald's closes after employees go on strike. No one applies for a job. Guess they figure $2.15 an hour won't cut the mustard (no pun intended).
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2013
Donald Trump Buys Tourist Site in Paris
The Arc de Triomphe will now be renamed "The Arc de Trump!".
written by Bureau, 30 August 2013
