Muppet Tragedy
Bert and Ernie dead after apparent suicide pact! Bert left note: "Couldn't get Kermit out of my system. He has a hopper!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Clumsy Mohammed Saed Near Death
"Sorry. Can I have just one virgin? I know I took out 30 suicide bombers but they were going down anyway."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Bad Winter Says Farmer's Almanac
"Punxsutawney Phil couldn't predict my ass farting", say peed off farmer. "It'll be a cold one."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Looters Ravage Egyptian Museum
Steal over 1,000 artifacts, ancient curse!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Getting Probed by Aliens Ain't No Laughing Matter
"But they seem to think so. Of course, I don't speak Mexican but the laughter is the same everywhere."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Obese Dad Gets Stuck in Playground Equipment.
"I was trying to teach the girls how a see-saw worked but they wound up in that tree over there and I, myself, have half a see-saw up my ass!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Jerry Brown Makes Statement
"President Hussein Obama the best president we have had since Jimmy Carter. And, I'd say the same thing if I were slober!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Still Another "No-Nonsense" Candidate Loses!
Trend of electing "Nonsense" candidates continues as some bigwig pushes boobs to the front to take blame if plan screws up!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Japan Denies That Nuke Waste Has Hit Godzilla Farm
"They are all kept far away from nuclear reactors. Bigger cause they eat too many...much."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Total Government Shutdown Might Save Us!
If we shut down the government for only 6 months we'd save billions of dollars plus lack of receiving meds for 6 months would wipe out the old timers and save Social Security and Medicare!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Al Gore's Latest!
"You should know by now that the Grand Canyon was caused by fracking! That may even be what caused the moon craters and caused the death of all the people there."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Seattle: 20th Annual Hempfest First One Under Legalized Marijuana Laws
"It's been legalized? Where's the fun in that? Obama's ruining everything!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Disney/ABC to Shed 175 Jobs
'Good Morning America' will now be hosted by animated Disney Characters! "And now with today's financial news, Mr. Scrooge McDuck!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Assad May Be Next Overthrown Dictator!
Looks like the whole world is going "coup coup"!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Trayvon Martin case: Will it be 'forgotten,' as Colin Powell says?
Already many are asking, "Who is Colin Powell?"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Had A Dream: Black lawmakers lament flaring of racial tensions under Obama
This is not what Martin Luther King Jr. was about!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Clown Who Was Fired For Wearing Obama Mask Speaks Out
'A lot of people have lost their ability to laugh'.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Student posts Nazi flags around liberal college campus as 'joke'
No joke to Fifty Million people who died dealing with that flag!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Lew Tells Congress Treasury to Hit Debt Limit in Mid-October
So why don't we let the Middle East handle it's own problems. We have plenty here just now.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Obama Still 'Undecided'
About chemical attacks in Syria? Oh, about everything!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Obama rodeo clown speaks: My performance had nothing to do with race
"I can put on a Bush mask on a black friend and no one says anything."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Kerry Declares: Syria using weapons of mass destruction!
And around and around she goes. Democrats/Republicans reverse roles?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Company Suspicious of Employee Turning Them in to Feds
"He was always humming that little tune, 'Whistle While You Work!' and he's too big for a dwarf."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Children Ruling Father
While he's passed out drunk they play subliminal messages under the bed: "We MUST have a big screen TV!". "Those Justin Bieber tickets are a steal at that price!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Husband & Wife Ask Nuns For Baby Back
"We had just won a free 3 week cruise on The Wheel of Fortune and couldn't come up with a baby sitter", says dad.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Miley Cyrus To Star In Adult Films
Steven Hirsch, CEO of the world's largest adult film company, Vivid Entertainment LLC, announced today that Miley Cyrus has signed to appear in 17 new adult films, direct 37 and produce 4.
written by Moose, 26 August 2013
..............."me pencils broke Sarge!"
Police probing non-fatal attempted burning down of a Mosque in Essex hope to finish interviewing all 25,000,000 suspects by Christmas....2051
written by Herrdoktorfox, 26 August 2013
FCC Announces Phone Service Subsidy for Rapists and Murderers
The Federal Communications Commission today took long-overdue steps to ensure that long-distance rates made by convicted felons are just, reasonable and fair.
written by Moose, 26 August 2013
China Takes Steps to Hide Smog
However, every few steps they keep running into a building, falling down steps, hit by bicycler.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Rick Warren Wants Off List
Tells writers that he doesn't want to be included with "200 of Richest People in America".
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
PETA Accused of trickery
"They somehow rigged our bacon and ham to squeal when we cook it", says restaurant owner.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
What Will I Say?
Local woman complains constantly for whole 45 minute drive to party asking what will she have to talk about. "What will I say?"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Hundreds Die of Hemorrhoidss Every Year
Number one reason is that they seem to be too bare assed uh embarrassed!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Cat Ignores Owner
Mindles the Cat has ignored owner ever since being Declawed! "He should be grateful I didn't have him fixed but hearing someone say he was now declawed gave him the impression that I made him French!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
90-Year-Old Shook Down at Airport
"And what are these hard small objects I feel around your pockets, Sir?" "Those would be my balls, young man."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Yankee Stadium under investigation
After over 200 injuries during "Old-Timers" Game before regular game at Yankee Stadium. "Should have had more rails up, less banana splits sold", says medic.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Nursing Home Accusations Come Forward
No, this time it's not patient abuse. Apparently old-age home has been hiring underage workers.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Getting the Big Picture
Google Earth spots Santa, elves, reindeer swimming around North Pole. Rudolf not allowed to play water polo.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Hundreds of hunters injured
As someone mixed Horny Male Elk spray with mosquito spray! "I was almost antlered to death", says one victim. "Can't these guys see that I was no male elk after their mates?"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Facebook friends could hurt credit
"No wonder everybody dumped me from their lists", says guy who lives in car until library opens.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Cases of Brain-Eating Parasites Increasing
Scientists, physicians, zombies rush to find a cure before it spreads further!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Donald Trump faces $40 million lawsuit
Asks secretary to check the petty cash drawer. "Just in case it's needed."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Federal Policy On Crime, Drugs Cut Back
"We're now going after the leaders: the politicians and attorneys!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Area 51 Open For Inspection To Anyone Nutty Enough To Come
Feds: However, absolutely no one is allowed into Area 52 or 53! Besides, they don't exist!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Russia concerned about possible U.S. military response in Syria
"You want that guy releasing chemical weapons on the whole world?"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Miley Cyrus, Gaga vie for attention at MTV's VMAs #2
Lady Gaga wears a new meat dress. Miley Cyrus wears her meat head!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Miley Cyrus, Gaga vie for attention at MTV's VMAs
Both wear dresses with the entire backs missing. I guess it's the new "Hospital Gown Look"!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Thousands Turn Out for Great Bull Run Debut.
But only a few hundred gored, ran over, knocked over fences!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Yosemite Inferno!
Within 2 miles of reservoir that supplies most of San Francisco's water...Governor Jerry Brown: "Fire Out, Man! This is really fire out!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
NSA having flashbacks to Watergate era.
Yes, I guess a lot of us are having flashbacks from the 60's and early '70's these days. LSD stays in the system for years.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
UN inspection team hit by sniper fire.
"We allow UN inspectors to come in and check us out": Assad! I guess those snipers will be their greeters.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
WH Official: 'Very Little Doubt' Assad Regime Behind Chemical Attack
One major clue: Assad announced the event BEFORE it happened.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
People in 90's A hundred times more likely to be hurt in accident
Than those in their teens & 20's, say actuaries. "Shat Up!" says man who stood to inherit 100 million from great grandfather, before succumbing to injuries in wreck while watching old coot walk away.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Actuary: Odds of Dying From an Asteroid Strike: 1 in 75 Billion
Local man wins 100 million dollars in multi-state lottery, hit by asteroid!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Pope Benedict Seen at Disney World
"Thought I'd just hang loose for a year", says the former pope.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Ice Sculptures in Northern Greenland Affected By Global Warming?
Either that or everyone was into Salvador Dali this year.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Syria: We did not launch chemical attack!
All our chemicals are on the tips of missiles.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Unknown Group Sends Meteor Shower Earthward
"We have never heard of the group before here", say US scientists. "Neither are they appeared on any of the Five Star Trek series!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
Girl Scouts Upset
Gay Boy Scouts baking their own and selling more cookies 2-1!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2013
