Sense of Urgency to Cope With Meteorite Storm Headed Towards Earth
President: "We'll do like the old draft numbers. Your number comes up, you will be hid inside bunkers inside mountains out west. If your number doesn't come up, your number is up!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
They're Doing A Bang-Up Job Over There
European inspectors say they have discovered traces of rat hair and small bits of feces in horse meat.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Single men only wash their bed sheets four time a year!
After a 20 year, $300,000 study, I'd say they were correct in this. This included several neatnics of course.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Can UN scientists revive drive against climate change? #2
All it would take is to blow up a few volcanoes away from populated areas and let the smoke filter out the sunshine every few years! Does The Spoof have to tell these people everything?
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Can UN scientists revive drive against climate change?
Of course it could, if it sent in enough troops!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Scientists Up In Arms!
Some people from PETA have broken into our labs and neutered all our cats and dogs and ruined our experiment to help them!" *In a footnote, sleeping guard was also drugged and neutered.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
New Song By Lee Greenwood Sounds Familiar
"Well I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know that I'm being bugged!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Lee Greenwood, Billy Ray Cyrus Want Troops Sent to Syria
Also, Iran, Egypt, Libya, etc as we can be proud to be an American and where Some will give All!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Goodyear Sat Tires Will Have Rubber After 7 Years
However, they don't warn you that the rubber will crack and rot after five years.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
NYC Warns Citizens Ahead of time!
"We arrested 52 Santa Claus last year. It was a scam. Some guys let out on street with black pots at 4 AM, collected at 7PM after they walked away to bus with a full load.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Barack Obama Proposes Extra Taxes on Colas, Beer & Cigarettes
Lady in audience asks, "How am I to have enough money for all three listed, plus I'm knocked up?"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Casinos Object to Dollar Coins Only
"Do they realize that we'll have to remodel over 500,000 slot machines?"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Subway Man Seems Threatening
"If I can't have Jessica Rabbit, No man or cartoon rabbit can have Jessica Rabbit."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Mike Tyson nearly dead!
Mike Tyson has admitted he is nearly dead, he forgot one thing, as far the world is concerned he was buried long ago, RIP!
written by unknown
Pelligrini gets a leek!
Man City learned today what it is to take a LEEK, and Cardiff City exposed Pelligrini's Leeks, Welsh style!
written by unknown
PETA Objecting to Genetically-Altered Food
The PETA organization say that they have proof that several restaurants are using genetically-altered roadkill!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
New Immigrants From Mexico
Mexican assembly line robots now sneaking past guards on the border as U.S. sets drones loose after them
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Botox Makers Happy About Profits
Customers apparently happy too, judging by big smiles on their faces. Even undertakers happy as it cuts down on their work.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Some Good News For A Change
Scientists: We'd Have to Drink 100 Bottles of Wine a Day to Get Anti-Ageing, Obesity, Diabetes, Cancer-Fighting Benefits!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Fast Food Restaurants Admit Using Chemicals
"None of them will hurt you. We just use them to get you addicted", says spokesman.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
NRA Admit they may have illegal weapons or may not.
After several drones go missing in Wyoming.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Dick Cheney and Joe Biden threaten to drone each other
"I'm not playing with him", says Biden. He'd probably shake it off and send one to hit me in the face."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
U.N. to inspect Syria gas attack site
We have no gas weapons there...but wear a mask anyway.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Teen Dead, 6 Others Shot After Illegal Dice Game Goes Bad
This is one dice game where seven weren't so lucky!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Sen. Corker: Congress Doesn't Know Extent of NSA Surveillance
Both CIA and FBI bugged by NSA who may have been bugging NSA! No wonder the NYC hotels have bed bugs.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
NSA Bugged UN Headquarters
So now everybody hates us. We will be bugged to death in every country from now on. What can we say?
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Bradley Manning to have sex change operation next week, then transfer to women's prison next year
Chelsea Manning is scheduled to undergo gender reassignment surgery next week. She will then return to Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, before transferring to a women's prison in June of 2014.
written by Moose, 25 August 2013
California's 'Rim' Fire Threatens Gay Motocross Event
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A massive fire in California, known as the Rim Fire roared into the California back country today, threatening to disrupt a gay motocross event.
written by Moose, 25 August 2013
South Dakota Passes Law Arming Teachers
"At least they listen and stay awake in class", says one teacher. "But we will need the ceiling repaired more often from all the bullet holes."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Silly-Putty Man Acting Silly Again!
No matter what I do or whom I rescue, no one takes "Silly Putty Man" seriously. Just look at that headline!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Interview With Mrs Plastic Man
"He's great by any stretch of the imagination, especially in bed."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Ex-Pope Spotted in Italy
"Maybe that's why he stepped down", says Italian reporter. "No one could take a spotted pope seriously."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Obama: Republicans privately agree
They all secretly agree with me over everything because, of course, I am always right.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Mass Kidnap, Killing Shakes Image of Mexico City
Where people have traditionally died much slower from venereal disease.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Another Gay Divorce
Seems like the ones benefiting from the new same-sex marriage laws are the attorneys. The couple yesterday accused mates of having over 100 affairs.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Buddhists in Myanmar torch Muslim homes and shops
So what have you atheists been up to lately?
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Booming lobster population pinches profits for Maine's fishery
So run on down to Red Lobster today and order you a $2 lobster dinner.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Ben Affleck's the latest, but check out other big names who played Batman.
There's Liberace, Richard Simmons, Tom Hollander, Michael Sheen to name a few. However, this was when they were growing up and at home.
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Bad News For Islamic Martyrs in Middle East
True, you do get 19 virgins, but sorry, you won't have a penis.!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Syria: Gov't Claims Chemical Agents Found in Rebel Tunnels
"See, they gassed themselves just to get the world's support."
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Mysterious 'Big Cat' Has Detroit Residents On Alert
It's a jungle out there!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Why is U.S. sending warships toward Syria?
Just a guess. But it just might be that Obama doesn't want to deal with all our problems here. "Good Distraction, Mr. President!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Syria: Intervention Will Set Middle East 'Ablaze'
"Unlike now, when we're all on the Buddy System!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
NASA 'Excited to See Their Baby Fly'
"I feel just like Ma and Pa Kent", says man who worked on the project!
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
Wis. schools teach children about masturbation
"Come up here and let me show you how to do that right, Johnny!"
written by Bureau, 25 August 2013
