Mr. President, What About Burning Churches, Gassing People"
Obama: Our new dog "not completely potty-trained" yet but we'll keep trying.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
David Cassidy Arrested, Donnie Osmond Mooning People?
"The Partridge Family" star David Cassidy was arrested just after midnight for driving while intoxicated & failure to dim his headlights in Schodack, NY. "Mom will ground me for sure", he told police.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Israel Still Depends on Iron Dome
We'll go after any incoming missiles bald-headed!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Foreign flier with uranium hidden in luggage arrested in undercover federal probe
"So see! We do need to bug your house ,car, phone, computer, pets, spouse!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Police Called In To Church Bake Sale!
"You called 911 to get us here because someone stole your secret recipe for canned tomatoes? Would you mind coming with us and telling this to the Captain? You can wait in the cell up front."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Local Man Suddenly Goes Dancing Down the Street!
"They said it couldn't be done but I done done it! I have made the first home-churned Neapolitan Ice Cream ever!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Top Tips for Today's Dating #5
Keep an extra cushion in your car trunk so that when you go in to a restaurant, all the chairs may be hard as a rock. They're make any sneaked fart sound like and elephant in a cave!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Top Tips for Today's Dating #4
On a first date, never ever wear that "I'm With Stupid" Tee Shirt! She might really be stupid and get offended.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Michael Phelps Still Having Trouble
Olympic Champion Swimmer says he may be all washed up!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
"X-Ray Specks" Sued Again
"That makes about 10,000 as an estimate", according to salesman. "They always drop it when they realize court costs and attorney fees.,,wanna buy some sea monkeys?"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Old Farts Tour changing Casinos
"We've got a "No Smoking" room and now we have a "No Farting" room", say Wilber Gahan of the Ballagio. But we need them because they spend money."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Ozarks ask "Old Farts Tour" to go elsewhere
"We cannot have them farting around all over our streets. We've had whole restaurants clear out after a rip snorter but they're used to it. Then there's all that back-up sewer lines from big diapers!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Gatlingburg Getting Too Many Tourists Says Tourist
"It's just not worth staying in line like this every summer", states tourist. "Next year we may go tour Florida like everyone else."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Illinois Man Taken To Hospital
After eating half of snacks in hotel snack machine he turned upside down in rage after it kept his quarter. Police find pot in room.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
OBAMA WARNS: 'Some point, the government will run out of money'
"It's taken almost five years but I think he finally understands that", say Rush Limbaugh. "Well, Mr. President, we already have ran out, some time ago."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Romantic Man Showers With Wife Daily
"Yeah, I jump in the shower every evening as it's hot here. She hates it, as I work on a hog farm."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Yes It Was I !
Yesterday the number of Chinese men who say they were the one who stood their ground in front of tank in Tiananmen Square reached the 1,000 mark!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Man Sues Viagra!
Claims erection came on so quickly he caught himself in his pants zipper and now "It's dead for good!".
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Drawings On Cave Walls In France Not Old
Turns out that those crude drawings were done by Bob Dylan who often went to cave while in France to give himself some quite time. "I was just farting around", smiles Dylan.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Weiner Slips Out!
Anthony Weiner now says that he will not have a debate with his opponents this month.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Stop The Noise Already
The Library of Congress has shushed both parties in the House and told them to take their constant bickering outside.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Another Putin Critic Gone!
Apparently this one committed suicide by shooting himself from a helicopter.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Ray Price Says Country Music Is Dead
"Where's the originality? Except in a few cases, they all sound alike. Give me Hank Snow, Hank Williams, Grandpa Jones, Ferlin Husky, Me!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Obama: Iran One Year Away From Building a Nucklar....
"This is the last time I am the target of this type of joke. I want the person responsible sent to the Middle East and report back to us from the Egyptian protesters!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Santa's Elves Into Genealogy!
"We have traced our ancestors all the way back to the Congo pygmies in the Ituri Forest!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Edward Snowden Releases Another Video #3
This one shows former Vice President Cheney receiving $10,000 from John Kerry who bet him that he couldn't shoot a person in the face and get by with it.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Edward Snowden Releases Another Video #2
Shows six-year-old Barack Obama in Kenya carrying out the family's piss bucket in the early morning.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Edward Snowden Releases New Video
Shows B.P. Oil making President Bush dance the Tango with Dick Cheney and sing "The Good Ship Lollipop!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
New Addition Added To Rock Hall of Fame!
A special wing of the Rock Hall of Fame added for "One-Hit Wonders!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Cat's Cradle Key to Another Dimension?
According to String Theorist, the Cat's Cradle came from another dimension where the YoYo's are all strung out. "Except for me, of course! They're all jealous!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Reality TV star becomes latest woman to accuse San Diego mayor of groping
Richard Simmons says he thinks it was the mayor who tapped him on the butt ten years ago "But you cannot blame him!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Obama unveils plan that aims to make college more affordable
"Just a small tax on sports tickets could do it...unless we have already taxed that."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
U.S. labor market, factory data show economy firming up
As Baby Boomers age, sales of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra lead to building 100 new factories.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Wal-Mart set to hold "made-in-America" meeting
Except those Weirdos who come in at 2AM-3AM. We don't know where those things came from!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
PSA: Swallowing a tapeworm to lose weight is still not a good idea
Neither is swallowing live frog every morning so that nothing worse can happen to you during the day.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Wall Street: Stocks up 60 Points
Based upon all the good news coming from the Middle East!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Japan accuses Russia of air space intrusion; Moscow denies it
"Did", "Did not!" "China Too." "Not us!" "You're acting childish!" "YOU are acting childish!" "America loves us more than you!" "So they nuked you to prove it?"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Top Tips for Today's Dating #3
Quit talking all the time about all your late husband's good qualities.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Top Tips for Today's Dating #2
Try hard in every way you can not to mention that, indeed, that dress, pair of pants does make her ass look big.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Top Tips for Today's Dating
Never ever mention that you have those 24 cats.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Public school kids no longer forced to kneel before principal
Now many give her a different gesture of circling their ear with their finger when her back is turned.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Convicted WikiLeaker Manning wants to live as woman
Women object, saying that they do not want THEIR sex known to be traitors.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Bradley Manning says he's a woman
Bradley Manning, the Army private found guilty for leaking classified documents, revealed Thursday he intends to live out the remainder of his life as a woman.
written by Moose, 22 August 2013
'Homeland Security' Employee Preparing for Coming Race War.
"Unless Poor/Rich, Left/Right wars come first!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Bradley Manning announcement
American traitor who was sentenced to 35 years for leaking classified documents has announced he wants to become a woman. "I didn't expect him to be out so soon," said one prosecutor.
written by IainB, 22 August 2013
President Obama Attempts to Distance Himself From Fart
"I just know it's Biden doing it because he's always the one who smells it and complains."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
NSA admits to rummaging through garbage of every American
In a stunning admission, the NSA unlawfully gathered thousands of tons of garbage from Americans as part of a now-revised collection method, according to a 2012 secret court opinion.
written by Moose, 22 August 2013
Al Gore likens 'global warming' skeptics to racists
Supporter of apartheid and homophobes. Use steroids. Take meth. Kill old people and children. Eat babies. Made my wife leave me, calling me crazy. Think I don't know that?
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Volcanoes blamed for 'pause' in global warming
Also, big fog constantly over the head of the President.
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Local Man Flies American Flag at 75% Height
"I'm not sure that Washington DC is completely brain dead!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Dead George Harrison, John Lennon Records Selling!
After all these years, two dead Beatles outselling Ringo ten to one!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Money Not Everything, Says Paris Hilton
"What's really, really important is what money can buy!"
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Biden Now Has Authority to Watch You & Wife Make Love
Also, to invite special friends over who need a good laugh!
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
Family Prepares for Aunt Lucy's "Famous Holiday Fruitcake"
"I'm gonna get a good-sized piece and put it in my purse. I already got it fixed." "It'll be in my lined pocket." I'm gonna say I'm full and bring me a piece home to throw at that barking dog later."
written by Bureau, 22 August 2013
