Hezbollah leader slams Israel in rare public speech
"Usually we have no problems with the Jews. But I do want to make it clear that I hope they all die soon, like tomorrow. But until then, "Mazel tov"."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Weiner says he is '100 percent not' sexting anyone right now
"I am not sexting anybody right now", Weiner tells staff. "No. right NOW! No. OK, not right NOW!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Study: Record Number 21 Million Young Adults Living With Parents
Five million parents are living with grandparents. "Good-Night John Boy!!
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Clients drop $180 for bird poop facials at NYC spa
"Junie Marie, we got us a fortune on them three old cars out back set up on blocks!!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
TODD STARNES: Agents raid animal shelter, kill deer named "Giggles"
"Probably laughed at the wrong time", says shelter worker.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Indian doctors discharge baby with swollen head
How so many Indian Doctors who have swollen heads came to help this one child, is still a mystery.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
L.A. priest molested over 100 boys, file says
f the Pope won't judge them, turn them over to us", say parents of boys.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Benghazi Witnesses Forced Into Silence?
"I was told by FBI that I could stay silent now or stay silent forever."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Beatles Remind Me Of Amish
John Lennon's widow Yoko got her eyes set on Ringo. Eric Clapton eyeballing Heather Mills. Paul seen with Barbara Bach.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Kerry says U.S., others working to bring Egypt parties together
"Why not have one big fight, winner take all, and get it over with?"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Japan's Aso refuses to resign over Nazi comment
"It came from our Aso. He speaks for itself...himself."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Mali presidential race goes to runoff
"They eat too much", say locals. "they got the 'Green Apple Nasties!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Bob Schieffer: U.S. situation with Russia over Snowden is a "high school" scenario
Why do they think we're sending Joe Biden?
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Your TV might be watching you
"Hello Caldwells. Quite a time you had on the couch last night! Hit 'Replay" on your remote."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Happy hour ... at the supermarket!
"The only thing about having those Two-Buck Chucks is that the next day you discover that you half bought 50 frozen turkeys."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
The queen's secret WWIII speech
Queen's video begins with: "Now that 95% of us are all dead..."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Liza Minelli May Be Getting Married Again
This time it is to an unknown 32-year-old male who's never been married, named "Steele Pullen."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
FDA issues 'gluten-free' labeling rule
"From now on, if it says gluten-free there has to be no gluten in it', says FDA Directer. "We're cracking down."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Italy's Berlusconi sentenced to prison
"Just don't put me in the cell with Willie the Enforcer!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Gay athletes stand up to Russia
Putin: "Put those things back in your pants before I shame all of you!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
NYC woman on date falls 16 stories
Woman on street: "Must have been quite a date. She's fallen for him hard" in typical NYC dark humor.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Massive geyser puts on surprise show
Joe Biden: How old is the old geyser and where is he putting on his show?"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Kerry signals end of drone strikes
"Once that one that just zipped by looking for Snowden."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Sunday, in Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays.
However, he did say that he had no idea how that one topless lady near the lifeguard station could stand up straight. "I thought I could judge gravity until then."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Joe Biden Picks Half Soup and Salad at DC Restaurant
Also picks at really dug-in ear wax with salad fork, toothpick.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Iran's new president calls Israel an 'old wound'
President calls new Iran's new President an "Old Fart"!
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Edward Snowden Now Permanent Citizen of Russia.
He says he now knows how the Russian computers work. He will be staying at the Hotel California!
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Colin Powell reportedly had interracial affair
For the sake of race relations, Sexretary of State Colin Powell reportedly had an affair with Romania's blonde bombshell, "diplomat" Corina Cretu. "We were intimate," he admits, "but never got naked."
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
Seattle seeks ban on 'potentially offensive' language, like 'citizen' and 'brown bag'
All totaled it would include over 200,000 words like "red, yellow, white, black, green, poor, wrinkled, weener.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Monica Lewinsky sex tape?
The National Enquirer claims to have unearthed a sex tape in which Monica Lewinsky issues President Clinton an invitation to the "Orifice Orifice," where she will allow him "executive privileges."
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
Seattle bans use of "offensive" language
Seattle officials banned "hate speech" as offensive and "dangerous," outlawing the use, in government documents, of such "incendiary" terms as "conservative," "Republican," "democracy," and "freedom."
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
Rise in violence 'linked to climate change'...
Al Gore: "See. I tried to tell....tell you...WILL YOU ALL SHADDUP AND LISTEN! Makes me soooo mad. Sorry folks. That was the global warming shouting!"
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
OHIO: Health premiums to soar.
Georgia: We're looking for a 200% increase here. Well, actually 198%. At least I want to tell the truth.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Cop snaps "personal" photo of George Zimmerman
During a recent traffic stop "for no reason," a Horny, Texass cop snapped a "candid" photo of George Zimmerman. The cop also reportedly bought him flowers and asked him for a date.
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
President: I Misspoke
President Obama explains that he misspoke. "It's not the upper 5% that will pay for government taxes and health care but 50%. Had the decimal in wrong place."
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Congressional employees' health care to be paid by taxpayors
Public will will pay 75% of premiums. Congressional employees will also be exempt from Obamacare. That's nearly 100 billion exemptions thus far.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Obama adopts isolationist policy
On the pretext of protecting American embassies from Benghazi-type attacks, President Obama is closing embassies across the globe. "With falling ratings, I don't need more phony scandals," he said.
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
Jennifer Aniston stuns Chelsea Handler
During an interview with bosom buddy Chelsea Handler, Jennifer Aniston stunned the comedienne, telling her that journalist Katie Couric is "illegitimate," which makes "her both a bitch and a bastard."
written by Gee Pee, 02 August 2013
953,000 Jobs Created In 2013; 731,000 Are Part-Time.
Those entering college told that they should take Two Majors!
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Eye-Popping NSA Report
Ex-President Bill Clinton's looking elsewhere for action may be from fact that Hilary is a transvestite.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Report Revealed By Snowden
According to information received, NSA agents have mistakenly bugged each other and recorded law-breaking incidents.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Precautions Taken
West Nile Virus near President's favorite vacation area apparently has left area. Never-the-less, barbed wired wall constructed to keep it out.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
West Nile Virus Detected Near Obama Vineyard Vacation Home...
Virus said to be one "Helena Virus". Claims she's from the East Nile Region. Tourists allowed in so that one of them may come down with it and President can come back.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
President's birthday...
U.S. Government orders all pressure cooking hold off for another day. Thank you.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
Late Deal anyone?
Australia sends first batch of illegal immigrants to Papua New Guinea for processing under new tough immigration laws to deter people smuggling....why not send our lot to the Falklands Dave?
written by Herrdoktorfox, 02 August 2013
"Gercha!!"
Illegal immigrant raids across the UK: Nearly 140 'arrested' after police raid 'Operation King Canute'...well done chaps only another 20 million to go!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 02 August 2013
Face of the Mets' Future
If Ike Davis corrects his timing, listens to his coaches and takes extra batting practice, he could develop into the next Jason Bay.
written by Michael Balton, 02 August 2013
Airport Employee Lower Than Weiner
Airport search leader admits that he started the rumor that there might be a female suppository bomber flying out of their airport.
written by Bureau, 02 August 2013
