Obama Vacation Finally Ends
Obama: "Don't worry, Be happy! It's the grandchildren that should be pissed."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Jerry Brown Claims He Can Fix Economy
"All we need is a screwdriver and some duct tape and the rope you pull to start the lawn mower and 50-feet of PVC pipe and it's as good as done, right Willie?" "Right...Man!"
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Spam Tops Baloney Three to One
That's because Spam is leftover reformed ham while baloney is any kind of leftover meat in one big long roll!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Partial Scientific Breakthrough
It has been proven that Spring Fever began long before March Madness but the jury is still out on April Fool and Spring Fever!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Latest News From China
Things are changing fast in China. This Labor Day, all eight-year-olds will get a day off work!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
New Cable Channel "Old Colored Cartoons" Popular!
At present, it is the number one show in states where smoking marijuana is legal.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Old Unreleased Waltons Episode Discovered
Apparently they never showed it because it was a family show and the fact that Jason belonged to Ike Godsy was not a good idea.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Priceless 5,000 Year-Old Antique Sold On eBay
How could anyone buy it if it was priceless?
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Baby Boomers read Books, Next generation want TV, Why?
Number One reason given: "Stupid books make you think, use your imagination. We no longer have any imagination to use. We can let the TV show it to us."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Overheard From GOP/Dem Leader Meeting #2
"Put your pants back on, I hear that we have visitors from Saudi Arabia coming in."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Burqa-Wearing Women Condemn Others
"Those Amish ladies look straight at a man and not at the ground or even cover their faces. They'll never get 100 pool boys like that."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Rigas apologizes for remarks about minority
"It was just a slip of the tongue. They are not "The lowest form of life, the scum of the earth". I apologize."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Coronet Toilet Paper Testesr Complains
"By the end of the day, I'm all wiped out," says ten-year employee with third degree hemorrhoids.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Most Banks Still Not Paying tellers Much Over Minimum Wage
Come January first, they will each have a jar for you to toss in extra change or leave a tip at each window.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Sorry, you missed your chance to bid on a day spent swimming with Ryan Lochte
Wonder why we can't swim in the ponds anymore? While growing up I'd haul hay, get real sticky and jump into pond with some cows for hours. Never got sick once. Guess my body had built up an immunity.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Lady Gaga and Perez Hilton are having a big fight on Twitter
Also, not all that many hummingbirds this year but a lot more butterflies.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Every Student Who Refused to Drink Own Piss Got A "D".
"I gave them a "D" because if they do don't learn, they will someday dehydrate and die", says science teacher.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Father Keeping Close Eye on College Freshman Son, H.S. Daughter
"I read all I can cause I can read. There's the Hardly Boys, Trixy Beldon, Nancy Drew, Harvy Potter books so I'll be able to discuss the books my kids are reading. Susan Suzanne is in the 11th grade."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
President Obama On Illegal Immigrants
"Not only let us reach out to them with a firm handshake but let's put a free trip to Disney World ticket in their hands."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Warehouse Security Guard Fired!
"He tried to trick up with fake open eyes over his lids while he slept but someone looked in and he never blinked in ten minutes", says Manager.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Malfunctioning Drone Crashes Wedding.
Hits groom in the face. "This was no malfunctioning drone but an attack from her old boyfriend, Freak the Geek", says groom.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Summer Scare: Bears maul 7 people in one week.
Skunks let loose on over 1,000 campers. Masked raccoons rob at least five banks. Squirrels steal over 500 campers nuts.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Tornadoes hit 60-year record low in 2013.
The Weather Channel now naming campfires and dust devils.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Al Qaeda "Targeting" Euro Rail Lines!
'Aim to hit Israeli, Jewish targets worldwide' in coming weeks. "Not if we hit them first", says Israeli Military.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Confident Biden Team Sows Seeds For 2016
"They are pumpkin seeds", say Hilary supporter. "You want a pumpkin head for President, vote for Joe."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Major of New York Has Yet Another Idea
New York- Mayor Michael Bloomberg said recently that all public housing residents should be finger printed. Residents said they would be happy to show the Major what finger he can start with.
written by Geraldo O'Reilly, 19 August 2013
George W.Bush Still Receiving Threats
"Hardly a day goes by that he doesn't get an envelope filled with pretzels", says Laura.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
China Sends More Ships Near Disputed Island
Japan releases Godzilla to have a swim around the same area.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Barry Bonds Grows Second Head
Both heads agree that he has never ever been on steroids.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Lindsay Lohan says her troubled past is behind her
Arrested for smoking a joint during announcement.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Young Marrieds Fighting Already
Bert throws can of beer at Ernie who will NOT wipe his feet off before coming into the house.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Mistakes that can kill your credit score
Number One: Not paying your bills! Number Two: Bankruptcy!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Top Things Overheard At GOP/Dem Talks Behind Doors
1. Who ate boiled eggs for breakfast? 2. Now watch as Gilligan screws up another chance for them to be rescued. 3. "McConnell wins. His penny is the closest."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Economy Changing Many Things
For instant, funeral homes say that their number seller is "The Cardboard Classic".
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Snowden journalist to publish UK secrets after Britain detains partner #2
In smudged diary Queen says (smudge) looks like a horse. Why does Charles want to horse around?
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Snowden journalist to publish UK secrets after Britain detains partner
The Queen herself was once a victim of a mailing by Anthony Weiner.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Senator Ted Cruz to Release Birth Certificate
Ted Cruz, potential POTUS candidate in 2016, is set to release his birth certificate today, to prove that he was not born in Prick-istan, as is commonly believed, even by many in his own Party.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 19 August 2013
Baseball to Use Video Reviews Next Year
No beer, colas, snacks, watches can be taken into ballparks!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Several Ladies Testify About Weiner
"You could tell that the photos had been enlarged", says one victim!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
High-Speed Train That Will Shoot Riders Through a Vacuum at 800 MPH
Second testing ruined after guy in front got motion sickness!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
First Robot Standup Comic Tests Well at Comedy Club
Only drawback in testing is three hecklers zapped with taser. Rest of audience stated that that was the funniest part of routine.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Haiti Offers Nation for U.S. to Store Nuke Waste!
In exchange for all of them coming here.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Hyperloop Being Studied By Military.
"New special made hyperloop could allow us to ship troops into any country in very little time!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Warning To Dems
Those who wrote down votes from tombstones have been haunted down and dead or cracked up.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Weiner Apparently Lured to Rooftop By Topless Women
"Then they tried to push me off", accuses NYC Mayor Candidate!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Another U.S. Company Goes Bankrupt
Perfume Company goes belly up after new "Musk Deer" fails to sell even after "Makes Him Horny" commercials launched.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
"Arab Spring" Inventors Being Sued
The Irish Spring Soap Company has launched a lawsuit saying sales have been hurt since "Arab Spring" first coined by newspapers, TV reporters.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Latest from the Weather Channel
Arab Spring may change weather for years to come. Could not be a winter unless nuclear weapons wipe out sunshine.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Obama Wants Answers As Clown Situation Worsens!
"Why was there a rubber chicken in the bottom of our bed when my wife and I woke up this morning?
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Clown Gets Past Security in DC
Somehow manages to squirt seltzer water down President Obama's pants! Later clown shot dead!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Clowns Swaying Voters
The United Organization of Mimes in the United States vow to back clowns in voting for GOP candidates!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
New Political Move Might Affect Next election
Clowns all vow to vote Republican from now on. "Just wait till poll officials see 50 of us unload from a small car to vote", says Clown. Lots of nose honking & stomping of big feet in the background.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
U.S. Government Orders All Sidewalk Cracks Covered
It is now a crime should you step on crack and assault your mother's back.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Another New Government Law
Now you can be arrested if you try to raise children in your religion. They must make that decision on their own later in life.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Christie to Sign Bill On Gay Conversion Therapy
Also, no more conversions from Republican to Democrat or vice versa...nor conversion of water to ice or steam. Beer to water OK'd. "We Own You!"
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Edward Snowden Reveals Another Biggie!
"Most of the stuff on "Snopes" is made up by someone named Joe Lindsay."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Egypt Unrest Threatens Oil Route!
Good thing the President got us off all that imported oil when he did. Oh, he hasn't?
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Cruz releases birth certificate
Apparently he was born on a Cruz ship stuck in the Caribbean after losing power for three days.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Joe Biden Makes Special Announcement
"Apparently there is something going on in Egypt! We at the White House try to always keep you informed."
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Rolling Stones to Make One Last Tour
Stones manager says that "This Could Be The Last Time" Tour will be the final one for the group next year.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Should I Call 911?
Regular Sam's Place customer badly shaken after discovering that family was down to only 110 super rolls of toilet paper!
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Newly Trained Terrorist Plants Exploding Cigar in Victim's Car
"Bring the little idiot in here and let me show him the difference between an exploding cigar and a pipe bomb and then clear the area," says al-Qaeda boss.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Archaeologists Discover More Cave Drawings in French
Show area cave men retreating from herd of rabbits.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
Terrorist Dog Slips Up Behind Cat & Yaps Again!
Owner has to go upstairs and prize cats claws from the ceiling. Tenth time today.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
With all of today's modern technology, study finds change
That in today's world, a sucker is born every 30 seconds. Just look at all the infomercials, should you want proof.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
New Bear Attacks Raise Wilderness Safety Concerns
That's odd. Most of us would have thought that it would make us all feel safer. Just shows you why we need these experts.
written by Bureau, 19 August 2013
