Green Day whaling shame wiped from Wikipedia
The whale-killing, pre-fame past of Green Day has been edited out of the US band's Wikipedia entry. A spokes-mammal for the National Orchestra of Whales said: "It's like punks never harpooned."
Flu Warning Issued
Flu drug advised for pregnant women with swine flu, blond and usually wears high heels. Probably named Betty.
Landscape Paintings Stolen
Six landscape paintings have been stolen from a Dutch museum. "They've hidden them out there in the landscape somewhere that will make them harder to find", say police.
Oprah Stuns Audience!
Oprah Winfrey stunned her studio audience yesterday by giving everyone there a free taser!
Sambo Ruins Fundraiser
Little Black Sambo ruins President Obama's planned White House pancake eating fundraiser to fight stereotyping of people.
Polish Man Dead
In Warsaw, Poland yesterday a man has died after following joke orders to "eat shit and die".
Scout Wins Honor
Cub Scout given posthumous merit badge for lasting a whole four days and nights in an outdoor toilet.
Obama Makes Vow
President Barack Obama has vowed to end the United States dependency on Oil Of Olay!
Identity Theft In Florida
Tampa Bay, Florida in complete lockdown after giving an identity thief the key to the city.
Stick Out Like A Sore Thumb
Mafia gang break Roger Ebert's thumbs after giving their latest financed movie a two thumbs down.
New dresses for HM the Queen
Carol Vorderman is going to donate some of the dresses that she wore on the Channel 4 Gameshow 'Countdown' so that all of her '100+ plus birthday congratulations' cards will look different.
written by IN SEINE, 12 May 2009
Hockey Is Hockey
A hockey coach in Detroit is making a lot of extra money moonlighting as a professional potty trainer.
All-Out War Bad, Real Bad
Scientists say that an all-out nuclear war between Russia and NATO nations would leave only Bernie Madoff and a bunch of cockroaches as the only life on planet earth.
Mystery primate skull found in Texas
CIA reckons it's God's Banker alibi Cardinal Marcinkus
written by queen mudder, 12 May 2009
Supremes Rule 5-4
The Supreme Court of the United States has voted 5-4 against Al Gore's predictions on global warming.
Vegetation to boycott modernist architecture
After members of the Royal Institute of British Architects boycotted dinner with Prince Charles because of his opposition to modernist architecture, potted plants have walked out of modern buildings.
"Double or quits" offers former bank chairman Goodwin
Former Royal Bank of Scotland head Fred has insulted shareholders, i.e. the UK, with a "double or quits" offer on his pension payout. Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "One Goodwin deserves another."
Lottery operator to plough ahead with "Pope of the Week" plans
Lottery operator Camelot is to proceed with plans to randomise the Head of the Catholic church on a weekly basis. A Vatican City spokes-cleric said the company had "balls" and its plan "had legs".
House of Commons Speaker "paid by the word" revelation
Westimster was today rocked by the revelation that Commons Speaker Michael Martin is paid per word he utters. Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said: "To us, it's just a rant. To the Speaker, it's a pension."
Ass To Ass?
Scientists say that if we don't do something soon about population control and obesity, we'll all be ass to ass by the year 2100.
Amish Couple Having Problems
Adam and Sarah Yoder of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania say their juvenile son is driving his parents buggy!
Royal Garden In Washington Doing Fine.
Michelle Obama and the rest of the royal family spent this afternoon in their White House garden as gardeners removed weeds.
"Pants On Fire!"
Only those on the ditto-cam se Rush Limbaugh's pants catch on fire after latest whopper but millions heard the sixty seconds of bleeps.
Just Passing Through
Strawberry porridge, muesli and Thai green curry join traditional beans in soldiers' ration packs and right into dug latrine by morning.
Power Ranger Nightmares
Ben 10 and Power Rangers 'cause under sevens to have nightmares' survey finds. Mother's now say they're having "Surveyer nightmares".
Bear & Ass Banned
Girl, 6, banned from taking teddy bear on easyJet flight after classing it as "excess baggage". Then ruled the same over the next passenger's extra large ass.
Anniversary Of China Earthquake Observed
Chinese President Hu Jintao has led the commemorations to mark the first anniversary of the Sichuan earthquake by ordering everyone to stop at twelve o'clock noon and shake for ten seconds.
I Do This Too, Like A Maniac
French researchers have begun to unravel the information & social content present in the hyena's famed laugh, which they say is only used in times of conflict. "The hyena laugh in the face of danger."
Women Get Greater Pleasure From Sex
Women who are more "emotionally intelligent" get greater pleasure from sex, research on twins suggests. The report excluded "Quickies".
Dyin Flu Worse
A national health group announced today that a form of the H1N1 Virus, they're calling the "Dyin Flu", is a lot worse that the Swine Flu.
Neighbor Saves Life!
In Cleveland, a man told police that his blind neighbor saved his life when he knocked a robber down and out. The neighbor then said, "I did WHAT? I thought the door was stuck & gave it a kick."
The Price is right: Jordan and Andre's bank accounts "to separate"
The bank accounts of Katie Price and Peter Andre are to separate after just three years of prudent investment. Custody of their assets, one from Price's previous financial arrangement, is undecided.
Obama Keeps Promise
President Obama keeps promise that all Americans, whatever race or color or creed, become one and the same. We are all poor.
Oil Rigs May Move
Exxon/Mobile say they're tired of being labeled in U.S. as villians, may move their oil rigs underseas.
Hospital Infections Up
Hospital In Cleveland having so many infections they're now offering patients the option of being operated on outside under a tree.
Cocaine In Retreat
The international cocaine market is "in retreat" after a year of successful operations around the world, the Serious Organised Crime Agency claims, as more addicts turn to meth.
No "Change" In Politics As Usual
Congress searching diligently into mistakes by previous administration while ignoring economic collapse, 1/3 of us predicted to have Swine Flu and terrorists, say this is how it's always been done.
One Third With Swine Flu
A third of the world's population could be infected with swine flu, expert projections suggest. Two-Thirds give a big old sigh.
Pope Checking Them All Out
Pope Benedict XVI is visiting sites in Jerusalem holy to Muslims, Jews and Christians on the second day of his visit to the Holy Land. Then visits Buddhist's Sacred Cave Of Nothingness.
Mars Spirit Stuck
The Mars rover Spirit has become stuck in loose dirt while ambling around a low plateau or else it's "fallen into insidious Martian ambush", NASA said Monday.
Frog-Killing Fungus Among Us
Project launched to fight newly discovered frog-killing fungus, mostly by the French.
Atlantis Chasing Hubble
Shuttle Atlantis is racing after the Hubble Space Telescope a day after taking off on a daring repair mission, called "Operation Hubba Hubba"
Taliban Apparently Doesn't Like Women
89 Afghan girls sick in alleged school poisoning as the Taliban seek to completely eliminate women to enlarge their expansion movement.
Vatican Defends Pope
The Vatican has defended Pope Benedict XVI amid growing Israeli criticism of his speech at the country's national Holocaust memorial which ignored his role as Hitler Youth Murderers Movement.
Slowing Medical Costs
Health and Human Services Sec. Kathleen Sebelius said Tuesday she's confident health industry leaders will make good on their promise to slow the growth of medical care costs to under 50% this year.
Ford Selling Shares
Ford said on Monday that it would sell 300 million common shares & use part of the proceeds to pay off its healthcare obligations to the UAW, those still suffering from exploding Pintos during 1970's.
Being Kind To Older Americans
Annual report due for Social Security and Medicare may be put off until next year to avoid mass panic.
Palin To Gore
Sarah Palin, tired of listening to Al Gore's complaints about Alaska and global warming, tells the former VP to "Kiss our ice!"
Airlines Looking For Extra Income
All major airlines hope to improve their income by flying advertising banners from their tail sections.
It's A Miracle!
Thousands of the "Friends" or Quakers flock to see the image of Brother Ebenezer on box of oats!
Latest On OctoMom
OctoMom: The eight little guys are doing fine, but the older six keep stepping on my tits.
Death's In Threes
National Inquisitor: It's always in threes. First Bea Arthur, then Dom Deluise. Has anyone checked up on Wilford Brimley?
Referee Tom Ovrebo's biggest regret - he gave the red card to the wrong man, he should have given it to Drogba in the first half.
written by Anietie Ukpe, 12 May 2009
BlueFire Washes The Kitchen Floor On Her Hands & Knees 2 Keep It HOT.
written by Shannah_Schilit, 12 May 2009