Big Find In The Congo
Archaeologists say they have found the lower plate of a ten million year old homo erectus in the mouth of a native in the Congo. Buy him some new teeth.
The Mother Of All Anacondas
A giant anaconda has been found in Kenya that is believed to be the one to have swallowed the small town of Lokichogio.
A Bit Cheeky
Swine flu is threatening a national custom. Lebanese should stop greeting each other with kisses to the cheek, Health Minister Mohammad Khalifeh told a news conference. "But on the face should be OK."
Toilets Saves Life!
A small airplane dropping from the sky in Washington after its engine failed, wound up on a cushioning bunch of portable toilets, & the pilot was able to walk away apparently unhurt, but very smelly.
On Replacing Souter
"President Obama's search to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter should extend beyond current federal judges & senators from both political parties", hinted Hillary Clinton yesterday.
FBI After Edwards
Senator John Edwards, whose political action committee paid more than $100,000 to his mistress' company, acknowledged Sunday that the FBI were looking into how he handled his campaign funds, women.
Skeptics Raise Questions
A notebook hidden by Harry Houdini has been found in a NYC apartment wall panel. In it, Houdini described how you can staple your own stomach to lose weight by swallowing this whole pack of lies.
Environmentalists Welcome Swine Flu Pandemic
We hope a swine flu pandemic will wipe out large portions of the human population, environmentalists say. "This will be a golden opportunity to go back to production methods of yesteryear."
Accidents Will Happen
According to a new poll, one out of every 100,000 men taking Viagra has accidentally poked his partner's eye out.
Voting Booths Attacked In Ecuador
The squirrel monkey was voted the official symbolic monkey of Ecuador yesterday narrowly edging out the spider monkey, as howler monkeys run riot, tearing up many voting booths.
"Dad Likes You Best"
Former President George W. Bush ran naked during his morning jog on his ranch in Crawford and no one paid the least attention to him. "Not even daddy", says Bush. "Curse that Bill Clinton!"
On This Date In 1952
On this date in 1952, ten thousand people held up mirrors at such an angle that a man in NYC atop the Empire State Building could see his girlfriend in a bikini in Malibu and wave at each other.
The Redco Buggy Company who sell mostly to the Amish and Breakaway Mormon groups say their buggies now have their own GPS tracking systems.
White House Denies Respect for Constitution
A spokesman of the executive office denied allegations made earlier today that the White House respects the Constitution. Such claims are utterly preposterous and ridiculous, the spokesman said.
Obama To The Rescue!
Australia orders probe into mouse plague as President Obama heads there tomorrow in an attempt to try to pipe them away from the cities.
EcoAmerica Spokesman Moondog
The problem with global warming, some environmentalists believe, is "global warming." "It turns people off" stated a member of ecoAmerica. "Maybe we should refer to it as 'Earth Shine'."
NSA Denies Existence
A spokesman for NSA - No Such Agency - denies his existence. I am no such spokesman, he said. "I don't exist."
Joe Biden, Riden'
One day after saying he wouldn't travel in tight quarters because of the swine flu scare, Vice President Joe Biden rode a train Friday from Washington to Delaware, where a drunk pissed on his shoes.
Italian PM Tops
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who has compared himself to Jesus Christ and Napoleon, boasted on Friday that he was the world's most popular leader. Foes hoping he'll chose Muhammad next.
Swine Flu Cancels NYC Event
New York City organizers for the Cinco de Mayo festival in Queens have decided to postpone this weekend's event, turning away nearly 750 people, because of the Swine Flu.
General Motors "Beep-Beep" Chrysler
General Motors announces it is following Chrysler in filing for bankruptcy. In other surprising news, Mt. Everest is very tall, the North Pole is very cold, and Amy Winehouse is very strange.
Ole! Ole! Ole! You Swine Flu Matadors
Lou Dobb's has suggested that the swine flu actually came about as a result of Mexican bullfighters drinking too much salsa wine.
North Korean Leader Asks For American Bailout
North Korean leader Kim Jong il says that he wants to build another rocket. He confessed that he is short of funds and asks the United States for a bailout.
America's First Circus
The very first circus in the United States was established in 1793. It had three clowns, a juggler, and 543 buffaloes.
Oprah "An Aha Moment" Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey is suing the Mutual of Omaha Bank claiming that they are illegally using her phrase, 'An aha moment.' Meanwhile the estate of Harpo Marx is suing Oprah for using the Harpo name.
Amy Winehouse's 100 Yard Injunction
A judge has issued a statement stating that the paparazzi must not get within 100 yards of Amy Winehouse. The paparazzi beg the judge to please make it 200 yards.
California Earthquakes Soon To Be A Thing of The Past
The state of California has just voted to take bids to have the San Andreas Fault fixed. Governor Schwarzenegger says that once the fault is fixed it should virtually eliminate all earthquakes.
The Swine Flu's New Name
The World Health Organization has decided to stop using the term 'Swine Flu.' They said that 300,000 pigs are being needlessly slaughtered in Eqypt. So the new name will now be the 'Spider Flu.'
Chrysler's Christmas Party Fund
Since Chrysler has gone bankrupt, the board of directors has decided to take the $79,000 they had in the Christmas Party Fund and buy some used camels.
Miss California's Freebies
Miss California, Carrie Prejean was reportedly given free breast implants by beauty pageant officials. Wow, remember back when the contestants received scholarships and earrings.
Rush Limbaugh is recovering in a Florida hospital after having an allergic reaction to a bee stinging him in his booth on Friday, causing him to swell up to the size of a horse.
Pinata Flu Outbreak
A new strain of Pinata Flu has broken out in Mexico causing ten thousand pinata's to be taken down and beaten to death by angry kids who got no candy.
VP Biden Being Overlooked
Vice President Joe Biden, ignored for three months, came to his office without any pants Friday. Then, put his pants back on after no one seemed to notice.
Sharpton Actually Only Weighs 150 Pounds
Al Sharpton takes over an hour to remove medallions, rings, chains, etc at New York airport causing many to miss flight.
Some Banks Unsafe
Customers at a small bank in West Virginia become alarmed as bank also offers tanning booths, weight-lifting rooms, casino, speak-easy in the back rooms.
Magician David Blaine Plans New Stunt
David Blaine, famous for stunts and illusions, will spend a week wallowing in the mud, eating slop with pigs in Mexico!
General Quits Army
General quits Army over affair with young aide . . . and walks into a six-figure defense job with 18-year-old secretary.
"Pitchman" Sullivan Child Labor Scandal
His infomercial features Ima Lourde, West Palm Beach, FL, who makes good on claim that Swivel Sweeping 3000 is "so easy a child can use it." Arrested on child labor charges involving the device.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009
Enjoy the last of the Bank Holiday sunshine today as the rain, Swine Flu outbreak, will be back on Monday.
Expensive Media Courses
Ministers who spent £30,000 on media courses in how NOT to answer questions refuse to answer charges.
Brown Threw Tantrum
Revealed: How Gordon Brown threw a tantrum during a TV interview, and had to be cuddled and rocked by Lord Mandelson.
As Labour plotters plan to replace Brown, Charles Clarke's shock demand: Ed's Balls must be sacked!
Tsunami Once Hit New York
Scientists say a huge wave crashed into the NYC region 2,300 years ago, dumping sediment and shells across Long Island and New Jersey and casting wood debris, mafia victims far up the Hudson River.
Berlusconi's Wife Asks For Divorce
The wife of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has confirmed that she will file for divorce. "One can only take so many embarrassments", states First Lady.
Pig Farmers Battle Egyptian Authorities
Pig farmers have clashed with police in Cairo as they try to stop their animals being taken for slaughter, plus three very fat kids missing, reports say.
Cameras Reveal Heat
Scientists reveal how thermal-imaging cameras can spot those with flu fevers, red-hot mamas at airports.
Virus Looking Less Threatening
Swine flu virus starting to look less threatening. Experts warn it could return in big way in the fall as "The Playing-Possum Flu".
Jack Kemp Dead
Jack Kemp, famous football star quarterback and politician, passes after one last "Hail Mary".
Suspected Pirates Arrested
Report: 3 suspected pirates arrested in Seychelles. Each had wooden leg, parrot on the shoulder, eye patch, hook for hand and were spotted drinking rum.
Mine That Bird Wins
"Mine That Bird" pulls off upset in Kentucky Derby. Narrowly defeats "Parakeet Dead In The Mines" and "The Bird Has Flu".
Spain #1 In Swine Flu
Spain leads Europe in swine flu cases with 20. Shouts of "We're #1" heard throughout hospital wards, amid coughing.
John Prescott admits to 'undressing' 450 students at one time!
Labour's John Prescott admitted last night on BBC radio 4 to "undressing" 450 students with Eddie Izzard and Ed Millibrand. On the back of a bus too!
written by IN SEINE, 03 May 2009
Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra
Ramon Payaso of El Campamento, Mexico sighted beast 3 weeks ago. While inspecting its porcine victims, he exposed himself to swine flu virus, now believed to have originated in the chupacabra.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009