Those Are Out-Dated!
A new study reveals that seat and shoulder belt or even air bags and fire extinguishers completely useless on new nuclear hybrids.
Bunch Of Stuck-Ups
A man on a jury in Little Rock, Arkansas told to leave after he continued to try and start the wave.
Party Animal Rights
According to the New York Times, the newly formed Party Animal Rights Group is growing by the hour.
Corn Threatens Cats
Neighbors in Hartford County, Illinois say their cats arch their backs and hiss whenever they pass by Farmer Larson's genetically modified field of corn.
Kentucky Restaurant Raided
Kentucky restaurant closed after health department discovers three coon hounds cleaning dishes, two goats being used as garbage disposal.
New ED Cures Coming
New pharmaceutical company warns Viagra, Levitra and Cialis that more cures for erectile dysfunction are on the rise.
Fish Good, Bad During Pregnancy
Study: Eating fish during pregnancy can boost your child's IQ. However, eating fish with mercury during pregnancy could bring about a second Gilbert Gottfried.
Going To Need A Bigger Wall
Mexican biologists discovering 40 dinosaur footprints in desert alarming, as they are on top of illegal immigrant footprints, all headed north.
Chimps Had Hammers
Ancient chimps may have had the use of hammers as 50,000 year-old sign dug up with: Attention Chimps, We Now Have Hammers At WalMonk!
New Bin Laden Report
A new CIA intelligence report saying that the United States still does not know where Bin Laden is hiding has been delivered to President Obama, who answered, "Bin who?"
Her Majesty holds hacks hostage
The Queen is holding two journalists hostage in London's Wapping. "Tooled up" from her arms cache in the Tower of London, the monarch is reported to have said: "Who wants some of one's sceptre?"
written by neilwatson, 24 May 2009
Prisoner found dead with unusual wounds
A prisoner was found dead today in his cell at Broadmoor. He had been shot 8 times and although there were exit wounds, there were no entry wounds. Prison authorities said: "it was an inside job."
written by IN SEINE, 24 May 2009
The Golden Arches Made of Cheese
There are rumors floating around that NASA and McDonald's are planning a merger. NASA officials are predicting that there will be a McDonald's Restaurant on the moon by the end of the year.
McDonalds More Healthy
McDonalds has announced that due to health concerns, all their pork fries will be cooked in canola oil.
Old Contest At Wrigley Found
A contest for the best Harry Carey lookalike was uncovered in Chicago by cleaner, as it was canceled after Carey's death in 1998. But, according to the final total, the winner was the late Bea Arthur.
Chinese Really Busy
One hundred thousand Chinese so busy moving into a new city that they forget and leave their Queen Chinese behind.
No Fun For You", Says Bed Nazi
Husband, banned to the couch after weekend bender three weeks ago, spends another "out of the body" experience tonight.
Early Census Taker Quits
2010 census taker already started, already mad, as twin jokers keep going into other room and changing clothes, sexes, ages. Then quits as her next assignment included a clown car.
Hillary Best Sec. Of State Ever?
World leaders say that Hillary Clinton is the best Secretary of State they have ever seen. "All the time she's telling you stuff you know she's lying her head off, but she looks so sincere."
Gore Gives Up
Tipper Gore says that since her husband, Al, has determined that there's nothing much we can do now about global warming, he's been walking around the house naked all day, eating pie.
Brain Scanners Selling Well
New bran scanner invented that can reveal people's intentions being bought up left and right by dads of teenage girls.
"Public Got Squat To Say"
President Barack Obama says he turned down public funding because he didn't want the public having any say-so in how he runs his nation.
"Bikini Girl's" Store-Bought Gazongas
American Idol's "Bikini Girl" Katrina Darrell told Ryan Seacrest that she has two of the prettiest stimulus packages west of the Mississippi.
The Little Old Blue-Haired Grannies From Texas
The Texas-based "Daughters of The Republic of Texas" a group whose average age is 93.2 years is demanding that California change the name of The Santa Ana Winds to The Davy Crockett Winds.
Arrested NYC Woman Let Go
Woman arrested for talking on phone while crossing busy street in New York City let go after police find no phone, just another nut talking to herself.
Dick "The BunkerBoy" Cheney
The Grapefruit Growers of California have just named former Vice-President Dick Cheney as "The Bitterest Old Coot in America."
Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman - MovieMates
Stars of the movie Australia, Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman have just signed on to star in the sequel entitled, New Zealand.
Time Warner's New Baby
Time Warner Cable will soon be unveiling its brand new channel dedicated solely to the nation's sorry state of the economy. The channel will be called "The Bankruptcy Channel."
"The Dickster" Cheney Wants $2 Million
Dick Cheney told a book publisher that he wants a $2 million advance for the rights to his book. The publisher replied, "What? In eight years in office you probably uttered what? maybe 50 words. F.Y."
Life Imitates Art
Life imitates art as really, really ugly distorted-featured woman pleads guilty of stealing Picasso masterpiece.
Apple's New Rival Heads
iPhone Rivals of Apple have hired William Tell and his son to "head up" New Ideas department.
Why Adam Lost American Idol (reason #4)
Because the last time the American people "listened to the experts" and voted, they got bent over and stuck with Obama.
Why Adam Lost American Idol (Reason #3)
Ernie the Keebler Elf is the only fudge packer most men in the Bible Belt want to support.
Britneys Bites Madonna
Britney sees image of singer Madonna on piece of toast she usually has for breakfast. Enjoys nibbling her head off.
Why Adam Lost American Idol (reason #2)
Girls like to cheer for a guy that wants to get into their panties, not to wear them.
Why Adam lost American Idol (reason #1)
People were afraid that he might scream the National Anthem at this year's Super Bowl.
Budget Almost Ready
President Barack Obama says he is almost through putting the new US budget together for fiscal year 2009-2010, should be able to send to China by mid-June for approval.
Chris wins American Idol after nearly 40% of all votes come from his home state
It took almost 100 years, but people in Arkansas have finally learned how to use a telephone.
Racy pictures of Bristol Palin discovered in High School Yeabook
Of course, all of the girls pictured in yearbooks in Alaska have their headlights burning; That's what makes the annuals bestsellers!
Ancient Urinal Discovered
Archaeologists say that the discovery of an ancient stone urinal proves that man stood erect one million years earlier than previously thought.
Aztec Amusement Park Revealed
Evidence of good-sized ancient amusement park with bent tree rides, grapevine swings jungle slide dug up just outside ruins of ancient Aztec pyramid.
Joe Reveals All
Somali pirates arrested outside of the White House after trying to enter, show police map purchased from Joe Biden showing location of hidden treasures.
Kiefer "The Head-Butter" Sutherland
Kiefer Sutherland who head-butted a designer and was charged with assault met with the victim. Reports are that Kiefer repeatedly head-butted the victim until the victim agreed to drop the charges.
Dick "Mr. Waterboarder" Cheney Inserts Foot In Mouth (Again!)
Dick Cheney has once again defended the practice of waterboarding. The "Dickster" remarked, "What is the big deal, I mean it's not like we used hot water."
Tamiflu May Not Work
Tamiflu might not work against swine flu, Government's own scientist, Tammi Fluharty, warns.
"Batter Up - Play Ball"
The word on the streets of Mogadishu is that the Somali Pirates are planning on moving to Pittsburgh.
The Germ-Filled Windstorm
A powerful windstorm hits Los Angeles. Puzzled weather authorities later reveal that it was just Kirstie Alley sneezing.
Elder Floridians Hit With The Sunshine Flu
Senior citizens living in southern Florida are reporting several outbreaks of what Florida physicians are calling "The Sunshine Flu." One of the main symptoms is an extreme urge to pick citrus.
The Fence Building Contract Went To The Lowest Bidder
The mayor of Laredo, Texas has tipped off the FBI that many of the workers who are building the U.S. - Mexico border fence are in fact illegal aliens.
Governor "Shotgun" Sarah
Governor Sarah Palin emailed Katie Couric and told her that she has been feeling kind of depressed lately. She confessed to Couric that she had not shot a moose in almost two whole weeks.
Bully's Lifetimes Shorter Than Wimps
A new school study has revealed that the average school bully's life is shorter than the pick-on nerd who comes back to school heavily armed.
One-Millionth Spoof Site!
The one-millionth internet spoof site, "Neanderthal Balls" has been sued by the original spoof site, "Neanderthal Balls".
Another Watts Riot?
EU to replace watts with continental 'lumens' Critics say it will lead to "Watts Riots" like those in the United States during the 1965 Los Angeles neighborhood.
New Pub Rules
Now drinkers must wait in 'post office-style' queues at their local pub. Anyone crawling must go back to the end of the line.
"We've Won The War!"
Minister's fury at Spanish moves to take over Gibraltar waters as Navy ship moves in. "We've sank their whole Armada", says MP trying to distract Brits from recent MP government thefts.
Pakistan Takes Key City Key
Pakistan, fighting for key city against the Taliban, capture the key to the city mayor had given Taliban leaders.
Iran's government has blocked access to social networking site Facebook ahead of June's presidential elections, according to Iran's ILNA news agency. "It was including women without veils."
Lean, Mean Machine
President Barack Obama says he hopes US carmakers will come out "leaner and meaner" from their financial troubles. Also "greener, cleaner and keener" adds Jesse Jackson.
Rather Be Dancing
One of four political parties in Madagascar has pulled out of the talks to end a political crisis and returned to partying.
Mongolians Voting Today
Voters in Mongolia are electing a new president, a year after vote-rigging claims in parliamentary polls triggered deadly riots in the country. Most are said to be favoring Nambaryn The Hun.
Shuttle To Land In Hudson
Nasa is planning a new landing attempt for the space shuttle Atlantis, after bad weather at the Florida landing site cancelled an earlier attempt. Look for it to land today in the Hudson River in NYC.
Buckingham Palace Chauffeur Suspended
Buckingham Palace suspends a chauffeur after undercover reporters claimed to have gained access to highly sensitive areas of the building like Prince Charles reading Playboy while on the "throne".
Serial Killer Used Christie Plots
Iranian authorities have said a woman accused of being a serial killer said she took her ideas from the novels of British crime author Agatha Christie, especially "Murder On The Tehran Express".
Many Injured During Music Festival
At least 110 people are reported injured in the Moroccan capital Rabat, after being crushed in a stampede at the Mawazine world music festival. Foot stomping made illegal. Only hand clapping allowed.
Shuttle Tries To Land
Shuttle tries to land again after 2 days of rain as astronauts say they are tired of drinking their own piss.
Illerate Driver Injures 11
11 spectators hurt during 'figure 8' race in Ohio when car suddenly does a figure 88.