95-Year-Old Still Got It
95-year-old Haywood Myers of Maggody, Arkansas, may be a little shaky and forgetful at times but he can still clear out a bathroom in a hurry.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Fed Chairman Defends Social Security
Fed Chairman says aging population could pose threat to social security. Advises: "Let the Swine Flu run it's natural course."
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Pete Seeger Celebrate #90
Madison Square Garden will do a tribute concert to Seeger on his 90th birthday. Featuring Bruce Springsteen, Arlo Guthrie, Joan Baez & others. They will also be protesting Bush ever being president.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Las Palmas Miracle?
The hottest thing on the griddle at the Las Palmas restaurant these days isn't the food, it's the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe that a cook says she saw on the griddle. "She say ouch, griddle hot."
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
McDonalds McScrewed
McDonald's lost a lawsuit in Malaysia on Wednesday after an appeals court overruled a decision that its trademark had been infringed by a local restaurant called McRonalds, with Donald The Clown.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Sex On The Lawn
Couple arrested for sex on lawn at Windsor Castle. Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II states, "Actually, we are amused."
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Swine flu caused by credit crunch
Leading scientific economist, Dr Adolph Inkanswim, has said that swine flu is a direct result of the credit crunch, because "People are putting too much in their piggy banks."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 May 2009
Obama - On European Swine Flu Outbreaks!
...and Germany will be hit worst because it's so full of swines!"
Source - BET Networks - Direct TV USA - Channel 329
written by iscrivener, 01 May 2009
Herbal Aphrodisiac Deadly
New York City issues warning against new herb aphrodisiac that kills man there whom neighbors said, always wore a smile on his face, had a firm handshake.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Smart Car Tests Off
Consumer Digest says their testing of the safety of the Smart Car was inaccurate due to auto being loaded with dummies.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Hillary Apologizes To Obama
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton apologizes to President Obama once again for her "JFK in Dallas" remarks during campaign. Hands over gun.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
O.J. Appeal Pending
O.J. Simpson's attorney complains to appeal judge that O.J. was only trying to steal back his own knife.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Crude Oil Down
Many art galleries across the United States say the price of crude oil paintings are down a lot lower also.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Why Pants Fell Off
Steve Nash of the NBA's Phoenix Suns fianlly tells sport's reporters why his pants suddenly fell off after game this season: "I put on Shaq's underwear by mistake."
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Wall Street Nervous
Old saying around Wall Street, "As Bea Arthur's boobs drop, so does the Dow average" making everyone nervous, now that she's dropped dead.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Cartoons Really Are Fake
"Cartoons are not very realistic" states West Virginia man who tried to run from police by drawing a secret entrance into a mountainside.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Ivory Coast Broke
The Ivory Coast has announced that they are presently 99 and 44/100th percent bankrupt. Poachers got everything.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Sorry, Your Message Channel Is Down
New SpiritHoo Internet Company promises mediums a much faster hook-up to those on the other side!
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Right On Time
All planes, trains and buses running on time in Britain for a change as many avoiding crowds by walking or running with mask, hands over mouth.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Otherwise, Things Are Fine
Bankruptcies hit record high in 'Broke Britain' with further gloom and doom and putrid, pukey panic predicted
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Momentum Mounts Against Brown
Ex-Home Secretary Charles Clarke 'ashamed to be a Labour MP, may go slash my wrists, put head in oven' as party backlash against Brown gains momentum.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Swine Flu Sickos
The swine flu sickies: Days off soar by 20% as people blame virus so they can stay at home. One claimed that he had accidentally swallowed a Mexican jumping bean.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
The Who - Swine Flu
Roger Daltrey of The Who announced (via his manager) that the group has been inundated by enquiries from the public about Swine Flu, but they are feeling too poorly to answer any of them.
written by Sirge, 01 May 2009
The Met Office Announces a 50% Chance of Above Average Summer Temperatures
What did they do, toss an £80Million coin?
written by Roy Turse, 01 May 2009
Bin Laden Urges Revolt
In latest video, Osama bin Laden urges Pakastani to revolt, turn over their cabs and set them on fire!
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Several Say They'll Never Attend Another One
Terrorists are thought to be responsible for switching the bullets to real ones in yesterday's re-enactment of The Battle Of Bull Run.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Residents Loosen Up A Bit
The Jewish Anti-Defecation League reports a record number of serious accidents last year at Jewish nursing homes in the U.S.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Whistleblower Admits Mistake
Whistle blower, once employed at an Illinois factory, breaks down under brilliant cross-examination and admits she cannot whistle.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Flu A Mixed Blessing
People in the American South say Swine Flu is a mixed blessing. Even though hundreds may be sick, meat skins are now selling for 5 cents a bag.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
300 Schools Close
More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed because of swine flu. Several others remain open even though kids are faking coughs, sneezes in attempt to close theirs also.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Receives Swine Flu Through Email
Silocon Valley reports it's first victim of Swine Flu after receiving an email virus from close friend in Tijuana.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Senators Changing Parties.
After Republican Senator Arlen Specter's switched to the Democratic Party yesterday, today John McCain has decided to go back to the Whig Party. Confused Senator Pelosi announces for Tupperware Party.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Japanese Lithium Study
Drinking water which contains the element lithium may reduce the risk of suicide, a Japanese study suggests. "Usually turns anger onto others", says scientist.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Doing Our Part
Mexico begins five-day shutdown of parts of its economy in the hope of slowing down the spread of swine flu. Are you taking precautions? Brit authorities recommend washing hands every thirty seconds.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
First Woman Poet Laureate
Carol Ann Duffy has been named as the new Poet Laureate, the first woman to be appointed in the 341-year history of the post. Her new book, "From Nantucket" on bestseller list.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Bird Dancing
Some birds have a remarkable talent for dancing, two studies published in Current Biology suggest. New TV show, "Dancing For The Birds" planned.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Sri Lankan Website Attacked
The website of the Sri Lankan army has been attacked by suspected Tamil Tiger hackers, government officials said. "Project: Donkey Kong neutralized.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Mexico Shuts Down, U.S. Goes Cold Turkey
Mexico is beginning a five-day shutdown of parts of its economy in a bid to slow the spread of swine flu. Dopeheads in the U.S. panic over drop in supplies.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
CEO Pay Down
AP IMPACT: Recession takes toll on CEO pay in 2008. Many down to twenty million or less thus far in 2009.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Bankruptcy Hearings Today
Chrysler company, Senate & House Republicans are in court today for bankruptcy hearings.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Biden Changes Mind
VP Biden says he wouldn't want his family or himself to ride on subway, planes during flu outbreak. After spoken to by Obama, leaves for India to ride trains.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
Souter: Better Souter Than Later
Liberal-leaning Justice Souter to retire. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity first two ruled out by President Obama.
written by Bureau, 01 May 2009
America Won't "Close Border To Mexico"
Only letting the 'uninfected' illegal immigrants in!
written by Grybas, 01 May 2009
Swine Flu Kills Millions of Pigs
Nightclubs have never looked better!
written by Grybas, 01 May 2009
New flu attacks world
The Switzerland flu, turns people into chocolate
written by disciple, 01 May 2009
McDonalds to name new burger after supermodel
The new burger is to be called the McPherson after Elle McPherson. It is rumoured to taste sensationelle!
written by Bluebella, 01 May 2009
