Jackson Dates To Go Ahead
Michael Jackson insisted that his UK tour would go ahead despite his death. "I am looking forward to putting on a show for my fans via my psychic friend Uri Geller." Geller couldn't explain anything.
written by Ron Smith, 25 June 2009
Jackson 'faked his own death' Pentagon warns...
as CIA swoop on singer's secret Bahraini Al-Qaeda bank accounts.
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
King of Pop Dead
Children all over Iran heard to be chanting "Allah Akbar"
written by Daniel Williams, 25 June 2009
Michael Jackson Dies of Heart Attack
In other news, NAMBLA is searching for a new spokesman
written by Daniel Williams, 25 June 2009
SCOTUS in uproar as Justice Clarence Thomas demands Savana Redding video private view...
....insists only a really experienced Judge can decide if cavity search was legit.
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
New Commons Speaker John Burkha banned by President Sarkozy!
For demeaning women.
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
What I hate about aliens
Ya know what I hate most about aliens? Dribbling. Why do they all have to dribble. And it's slimy! I hate that.
written by marlowe, 25 June 2009
Shatner: I Nearly Shat!
William Shatner admits it took him and James Doohan 17 takes to do one 1968 Star Trek scene where Doohan as Scotty says "I can't git 'er pod door open, Captain!"
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Three Lads Appear Before Congress
Saddam Hussein's yard mower, pool boy and paper deliverer appear before congress to see if they can collect their back bills.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Amateur Suicide Bomber Tries Again
Totally amateur suicide bomber says he's ready to strike again, using his one good eye and half foot to guide vehicle.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
The Rare Dongtree
In Fargo, North Dakota someone with a chainsaw and some talent turns all the courthouse trees into big dongs during the night!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Cheney Still Tough
Former VP Cheney chews his leg off after stumbling into bear trap on latest hunting expedition.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Apparently An Accident Over There
Wonder Woman's airplane accidentally lands on Mime's invisible cube. Mime arrested for leaving cube on runway.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Bush Says Farrah Fawcett Was His Favorite
Former President Bush says the late Farrah Fawcett was his favorite Charlie on the Angel's Charlies Show.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Psssst! Over Here!
Smart girl scouts set up just down the street from "Beverly Hills Diet" building. Sell over 1,000,000 cookies in on week.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Driving Scheme Shelved
Pay-as-you-drive scheme shelved: Labour backtracks after 1.7m sign petition. Propose a new 'pay as you sign petitions' scheme.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Wimbleton Situation Grave
Wimbledon church charges tennis fans £20 a day to park on top of graves with two burials put off until games are over.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Big Female Charged Expensives
Size 16 female Labour MP claims crisps, doughnuts, Nordic Trak, The Thigh Master, Stomach Pump and a whole tuck shop full of goodies on her expenses.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
SC Governor Not Hiking
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford told reporters at a press conference that he had actually been gone for days seeing his mistress. "Did I say hiking? I meant humping!"
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Just In Time
Formerly married gay guy says California reversal on gay marriages came just in time for him and his smartass husband, Periwinkle!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
US Satellite Goes Silent
A United States spy satellite says that North Korea is now capable of launching a...and suddenly stops sending message.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
New Obesity Report
Report: Childhood chubbiness linked to teenage obesity linked to an adult the size of a pregnant moose!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Mimes Stuck In Kentucky
Hazard in eastern Kentucky reports that they have three mimes there, stuck in an old abandoned invisible cube.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Clinton Makes Surprise Visit
Former President Clinton makes surprise visit to trailer park, in underwear! "That you, Nina? Oh. Well, I just came out to reassure the common people were heard. Age is catching up, forgot my pants!"
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
"I Ain't Going Nowhere!"
President Obama makes surprise visit to Kenya after his mother-in-law announces a surprise press conference.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Kirsty Escorted From Casino
Fat Kirsty Alley seen being escorted from Reno casino after men there claim she'd ruined all their teenage daydreams!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Bin Laden Video Returned
Osama bin Laden was reportedly pissed over al-Jazeera not accepting his latest video, returning it with a note saying they do not accept unsolicited material. It's lonely being 'yesterday's news'.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Spooks hail new brain wonderdrug branded the 'holy grail'
...of rooting out Opus Dei psychopaths, to be made compulsory for all government wannabes
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
Calif. Employees Get Raise
California Governor Schwarzenegger announces that all state workers will receive a full 5% raise in their IOU's this summer.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Make Plans Now!
Those in the know say that this next New Years best rocket and fireworks show will be in Japan, as North Korea plans to send rocket after rocket over Tokyo!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Still Faulty Intelligence Reports
Revealed: The FBI, CIA and Homeland Security all failed to anticipate the fact that Barack Obama's Mother-In-Law would be moving into the White House. How safe are we today compared to 911?
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Aliens' disgust at Glastonbury giant Mike Skinner crop circle attribution
UFO mothership captain says it looks like an alien anus potato print
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
"Nope, None Down Here!"
Former President says there were no reports during his administration that Iraq had any weapons of mass destruction. "I even looked under my desk & asked if there were any papers down there."
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Hollywood madam hired out celebs for five grand an hour
Michelle Braun says she's just been doing her little bit to stimulate the local economy...
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
Cheney In Movie
Rumor is that Dick Cheney has signed on to play the part of a villain, Doctor Defibrillator, in the next X-Men movie.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
You Heard It Here First
The National Entertainer reveals that Barack Obama actually the love child of Lyndon Baines Johnson and Nichelle Nichols. Check out the ears.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Researchers Admit Payoff
Team of male researchers who found that oral sex is wonderful cure for a headache last year admit they were paid off.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Eight Bottles Of Beer On The Wall
Research reveals that having eight beers a day can prevent bladder cancer, but recommend wearing elbow, knee pads and no racing across the floor against the baby.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Apes Evolving Faster
New study finds that apes are evolving faster than man. Some are already questioning "Can YOU sit down and write a Shakespeare play, I think not!"
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
"You're so vain you probably think this game is about you".
Carly Simon to re-write her hit song for Brett Favre, in honor of his vendetta against his former team, the Green Bay Packers.
written by Adam Click, 25 June 2009
'Tudors' star Jonathan Rhys Meyers branded a tosser
...after yet another drunken fracas trashes airport lounge at Orly.
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
Bad day for Z-List celebs as Daryl Hannah arrested in West Virginia
The former JFK Jr girlfriend is charged with bringing opencast coal mining into disrepute.
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
Take That! Robbie Williams probed in armed robbery...
Bahamas paps who snapped him smoking a spliff are robbed at gunpoint of £15,000 gear...
written by queen mudder, 25 June 2009
Lotta Shit Going On In Washington
The FBI has uncovered a plot to leave a burning bag of dog shit on President Obama's doorstep. Mother-In-Law brought in for questioning. Obama reportedly headed to waterdog house.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Probably A Typo
Former President Bush has new book coming out this November entitled, "I Clearly Told Colon Powell Iran, Not Iraq".
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Viagra After Boomers!
Viagra, aggressively pursuing Boomers, are starting to use golden oldies "Thick As A Brick" and "I Am A Rock" in their prime time commercials.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Laden Pissed At Being Overlooked
News out of Baghdad is that bin Laden's men have sunk to the low of pissing in punch at weddings in trying to regather attention from pirates, Swine Flu, economy, sun flares. North Korea.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Sharks Under Threat
Many species of shark are under serious threat, according to an assessment by the International Union for Conservation of Nature, & seem aggressive towards help. "Hammerheads are especially stubborn."
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
MP's Snub Admadinejad
More than 180 Iranian MPs appear to have snubbed invitation to celebrate President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's election win, local press reports say. More elections in the missing MP's Home area scheduled.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Democrats Reach Climate Agreement
House Democrats are close to a climate agreement: It's not hot in here at all, it's us.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Skirting The Law
Police say a California man donning a bustier and watching porn on a computer in an apartment complex gym was arrested after officers found drugs in his dynamite pack.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Chinese Dissident Arrested
Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo has been arrested for littering, loitering and looking funny at police. May get 30 years of hard labor.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Chairman Faces House Committee
Fed chairman Bernanke faces House committee today as insiders report that they will accuse him of being even more crooked than they are.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Iran Reform Leader Pressured
Iran reform leader says pressure to drop challenge. "I'm sitting here right now with a battery hooked to my nuggets."
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
SC Governor Launched By Wife
South Carolina governor's career launched by wife he betrayed,
launched once again yesterday by a pointy shoe up his ass!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
NKorea Determined To Blow Away Somebody
North Korea vows to enlarge its atomic arsenal while President Obama and western Europe sit and wring their hands, apparently with "Chamberlain's Disease".
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
LARD Over Grease!
Critics say new musical LARD better than Grease! "Really slick production plus LARD is much more of a heart breaker."
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Getting Americans Well
Op-Ed Contributor: Shifting America from sick care to genuine wellness would involve elimination of fast food restaurants and things like, "Goldy's Big Bucket Of Meat with Three Side Dishes!"
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Dead Sea Wormholes?
Dead Sea peril: sinkholes swallow up the unwary. Suspected but not yet proven, they are caused by giant worms because of occasional tremors.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Why Politicians Cheat?
Analysis: Why do politicians cheat? A team of experts say that the number cause is that they're just plain horny!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Burgers don't actually build better bodies
Upstart burger chain Karl's Junior pushes unreality envelope, using endless string of unbelievably hot girls to sell food that will eventually turn them into fat, undesirable cows.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 June 2009
Another conservative deals blow to sanctity of marriage
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford becomes most recent Republican exposed to have participated in Grand Old Tradition of cheating on your spouse.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 June 2009
Ever heard of Pearl Harbor?
North Korea apparently never heard about the transformation that occurs in lazy, undisciplined Americans when you launch an attack on Hawaiian Islands.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 June 2009
China refuses N. Korean fireworks sale
Dear Leader Kim Jong-il seeks to buy 100 million bottle rockets from neighboring China for $6.5 million, reportedly to launch a warhead at Hawaii this July 4th.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 June 2009
Severe weather really makes an Impression
Monet's "Water Lilies" seen floating through streets of Budapest after worst flooding in 40 years hits Hungary, turning roads to waterways.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 June 2009
The Frito Bandito Has Been Arrested
Nuevo Laredo's Chief of Police has told CBS News that the famous Frito Bandito has been arrested. It seems that he had gotten involved with northern Mexico's infamos Pinata Drug Cartel.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
Okay, Then Who's On Second?
TV Guide is reporting that the famous Abbott and Costello skit "Who's On First" was not written by them but by Bonnie and Clyde.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
The Animal Reeks of Beer
Police in Cheyenne, Wyoming report that someone broke into the Running R Ranch For Retired Advertising Animals and stole the Hamm's Beer Bear.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
Poland's Swine Flu Actions
Poland in an effort to stop the spread of the swine flu orders that all piggybanks be destroyed.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
For Sale: One Great Big Sea
Japan in an effort to raise capital has decided to sell off the Sea of Japan.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
But The Girl Scout Cookies Are Non-Partisan
Ann Coulter was approached by two young Girl Scouts and asked if she would like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies. Coulter stated that she would never buy Girl Scout Cookies from little Democrats.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
The Singing Brett Favre
Brett Favre bored to tears said he wanted to come out of retirement and try out for American Idol. An AI rep told him he was just a little bit over the age limit. Favre shed his obligatory tears.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
PETA To Merge With FEMA
The United States government has decided that in order to cut back on expenses they will merge PETA with FEMA under one entity. The organization's new name will be MATAPEFE.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 June 2009
According To United Nations Reports, Denmark ranks 1st...
as the happiest country in the world while Canada ranks 1st as the primary source of Ecstasy.
written by Wire Piddle, 25 June 2009
President Signs Strictest Anti-Smoking Law Ever!
The new law will require that people caught smoking be put in a closet with a full pack of cigarettes, and not let out until they've finished the pack or get sick trying!
written by Adam Click, 25 June 2009
Adkins Diet Dropped
Carbohydrate Consumption is up as America goes back on pasta after growing tired of smelling like a meatball.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Slim Fast Making Changes
Rumors: 300 pound Kirsty Allie has reportedly been dropped as the national spokesperson for Slim Fast!
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
FEMA To Check March Tornado Victims
FEMA says they will be onto this spring's tornado victims just as soon as they check with President Bush.
written by Bureau, 25 June 2009
Sex Scandals Becoming Bipartisan
Republicans are competing with Democrats when it comes to sex scandals. They realize that sex scandals are so much better than money scandals. Both are "career enders" but sex requires no jail time.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 25 June 2009
