Death inevitable new study shows
Scientists at UCLA report that, even if all scientific advice is followed and a miserable, high fibre, low fat, no booze lifestyle is adopted, death will still occur. Jane Fonda deeply disappointed.
written by Blazing Saddle, 16 June 2009
Chinese Credit Mao
Chinese leaders say that their modern economical miracle can be directly traced to Chairmam Mao's advice for country to "get the lead out".
What In Tarnation!
Warner Brothers has announced the death of 75-year-old Yosemite Sam, who apparently died from infection from the bite of a great horny toad.
Visiting Southeast US?
Advanced 2010 census worker says she did a random screening in several southern states lately and knew someone she saw looked familiar, but only identified bin Laden a week later after seeing video.
Betting Against Gambling
The latest odds in Las Vegas are 4-1 against Kentucky ever approving Riverboat Gambling sought by Governor.
Obama Clearly Upset
An upset and very determined President Obama has promised that he'll restore consumer confidence, kick mother-in-law out of the White House!
Shoe Bomber's Sister?
Passenger stopped by security guards at JFK Airport in New York City after plastic gun falls out of fake third boob.
Cave Message Deciphered
Experts decipher ancient cave wall writings in France as "Beads And Clams Are The Root Of All Evil."
Snot All There!
After David Letterman tells Sarah Palin she's not all there, Palin tells Letterman he's not on his nose and upper lip. "Use your hanky!"
Cremated Must Wear Eco-Shrouds
After council forces relatives to cremate loved ones in anti-pollution eco-shrouds instead of favorite clothes, kid's toys, many asking relatives to stuff tobacco, marijuana up their wazzoo.
It'll Be Double Next Time
Disabled pensioner is hit with £75 parking fine for displaying blue badge upside down, another £75 for dirt on auto getting on officer's sleeve.
Bloggers beware as judge says authors do NOT have right to anonymity on the web. So my name's Jerry, anyone else like to share?
Jewish Couple Sue
Religious row as Orthodox Jewish couple sue neighbours for 'imprisoning' them with automatic hallway light, squealing pig doorbell ringtone.
Blair To Be Quizzed
Blair to be quizzed in Iraq war inquiry (but it'll be in secret and won't report until after election, iron maiden, rack, Quiz Master brought in).
MP's Slammed Again
MPs slammed for lacking principles, morals, common decency and good sense by inquiry head as 'cheap rent' minister faces new expenses probe.
Iran Election Confusion
Events in Tehran took a dramatic turn today as Iranian legislators made a significant concession to recount some disputed ballot boxes. "10 million "Mohammeds" voting at once a problem" say Officials.
Family Robbed On Train
A British family have spoken of their holiday horror after they were drugged and robbed by French train thieves. Jacques Clouseau, Inspector, placed in charge by French.
Broadband Tax Imposed
Every household in Britain hit with new £6 'broadband tax' to fund national rollout of superfast internet spam!
Barclay's Money Frozen
Millions of Barclays customers' money frozen as computer glitch shuts down cash machines and online banking. Tells customers it will thaw soon and some cold hard cash be released.
NYC Police Find Culprit
Alley drunk arrested this morning in NYC after police finally find his hidden cache of chalk he's been using to draw dongs on body outlines on the street.
Baghdad Getting Back To Normal
Baghdad, Iraq getting more back to normal with re-opening of "Goats And Stuff" and "Veiless Doughnut Shop".
Obama's Hypnotic Speech
President Obama's speech last week was so hypnotic, doctors report that over 1,000 viewers still think they're chickens.
Supermodels On 8-Hour Fast
Supermodel agency calls for an eight hour fast as salaries continue to fall, clothing stores file for bankruptcy. Doctors will supervise supermodels hourly.
ABC Shut Down
The Arnolds Bread Company has been ordered to shut down their facilities until nuclear control panel can check out their enriched wheat.
The Minneapolis Laker Fans Riot!
Los Angeles Laker fans in Minneapolis (where the Lakers originated) are rioting like their counterparts in L.A. Police have made seven arrests and those individuals will be transported to L.A.
The Recession Has Hit The KKK
The economic recession has hit the Ku Klux Klan. Grand Dragon Bobby Earl, aka Grand Wizard Bobby Earl says that they will have to downsize. B.E. said, "We be goin' from bein' the KKK to bein' the kkk.
Linda Hogan Is Packing The Poundage On
The hairdresser of Hulk Hogan's ex-wife Linda says that she told him that she uses half of the $40,000 a month alimony that she receives to buy Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes, Ho Ho's, and Twinkies.
The U.S. Senate Votes Down "English As The Official Language" Proposal
The U.S. Senate voted on making English the official Language of the U.S. The motion did not pass. The vote outcome was: English-21, German-15, Spanish-32, and Swahili-32.
The Racially Influenced Celebrity Wrestling Match
Vince McMahon has signed Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt to a wrestling match with Al Roker and Whoopi Goldberg. They are billing it as "The Young White Couple vs. The Old Black Couple."
Jennifer "What The Heck Is Wrong With Me" Aniston
Jennifer Aniston who probably has the worst luck with men than any other woman in Hollywood recently remarked that it's a damn good thing that she doesn't have cellulite.
Usher: Please Watch Your Step Ma'am
Usher has filed for divorce. His wife will get the movie theater and he will get the flashlight.
One of The Biggest Punks In The History of The U.S.
The 18-year-old Florida punk who killed 19 cats has been arrested. Police plan to take him to the zoo and put him in a cage with three tigers and see if he can raise his count up to 22.
Lindsay Lohan The Eating Starlet
Lindsay Lohan has said that getting back with her 'boyfriend' Samantha Ronson has put her in such a good frame of mind that she has put on 1 pound.
Big Carnie Wilson's Big Baby
Singer Carnie Wilson who once weighed 300 pounds has given birth to a baby girl. The baby named Songstress Willow weighed 27 pounds 14 ounces.
Hoffa Finally Found In Jersey
After finally finding 88-year-old Jimmy Hoffa, Hoffa says he doesn't know where he's been, never heard of Osama Bin Laden. Hoffa appeared very feeble after "Amelia Earhart having had her way with me."
Smokey's Had Enough
After three clear warnings to drunk campers about not putting their fires out, Smokey The Bear tears them a new ass.
NYC Protest Stores
New York City citizens still against chain stores. Many to protest new shopping area carrying signs, "Mr. Bloomberg, Tear Down This WalMart!"
Potties Being Nationalized
Barack Obama Administration nationalizes nations port-o-potties as many Americans no longer have a pot to piss in.
B. Bad Wolf Found Dead
Big Bad Wold found dead. Early examination by coroner says he looks like he'd been huffing fumes again. No panic over possible swine flu.
India, Pakistan Leaders Meet
The leaders of India and Pakistan have met for the first time since last November's Mumbai (Bombay) attacks. Exchange ideas, NYC taxi jokes.
Iran: Limited Recount?
Limited recount possible in Iran's disputed vote. So if a million or so would just clear the streets for a few days...
AMA Against Anti-Aging Hormones
AMA adopts new policy against anti-aging hormones. "Just where would we doctors be if people no longer aged or got sick, you selfish bunch of healthy wackos?"
Obama Outstyles Pitt
President Obama beats Brad Pitt as most stylish man according to poll. Nation may go down the pitts, but will go down "looking good"!
Lee & Obama Meet
Lee and Obama to discuss North Korean threats. First meeting between Confederate General and a black President ever. Agree nation must continue to back allies in Asia.
NYC Drivers Most Angry
New York drivers named most aggressive, angry in U.S. with many calling for a jihad on pedestrians.
Microbe wakes up after 120,000 years, claims it's hungry. And, boy do I have to pee!"
Driver Stops Ambulance With Patient
Attorney defends trooper in Oklahoma ambulance stop, firetruck. "Where do you think you're going, to a fire?"
China Bailing Out Asian States, Russia
Chinese leader Hu Jintao says China will extend a $10 billion loan to a regional group that also includes four Central Asian states and could purchase Arctic Circle from Russia.
Wiltshire Farmers to Turn to Cows
Farmers in Wiltshire have said that they will be forced to turn to farming livestock because so many fields have been destroyed by crop circles and putting them out of business.
written by IN SEINE, 16 June 2009
Today's inspirational quote...
"243o2saa*&jkl#$pjp" - cat walking on a keyboard
written by Nik Voelz, 16 June 2009
The Swahili River Is Somewhat Confused
River experts have discovered that the Swahili River in Africa flows both ways. The left side flows north and the right side flows south. No explanation as to why.
The Ancient Warrior Consulting Firm of Amarillo
The Ancient Warrior Consulting Firm based in Amarillo, Texas has had to hire a consulting firm because of the sudden tremendous spurt in the consulting business.
The Ex-Biloxi, Mississippi Used Car Salesman
A used car salesman in Biloxi, Mississippi has been fired for telling the truth about a car's miles per gallon.
The 2009 graduating class at Dog Dimple High in Dog Dimple, Wyoming was so small that the salutatorian was also the valedictorian.
The Salvation Army Marches On!
The Salvation Army sadly announces that due to the economic recession it is having to replace some of its donation kettles with donation coffee cups.
The Muskogee Moratoriums
The town of Muskogee, Oklahoma has stated that effective midnight tonight they are placing, until further notice, a moratorium on moratoriums.
The Aphrodite Research Firm
The Aphrodite Research Firm based in Tallahassee, Florida has stated that, as previously believed, there is a direct correlation between bank robberies and weapons.
Breaking News: Teenage Girl Types "lol :)" to Friend
This exchange was followed by "LMAO". Ironically this last communication meant, "lemmings must attack otters"...tss who knew?
written by Nik Voelz, 16 June 2009