New Speaker elected
We wanted a Woofer - but we got a Twitter!
written by Blazing Saddle, 22 June 2009
On Choosing Subway Cars
New York City subway cars are now designated "Groping" and "Non-Groping". Three already arrested for groping, one for not groping.
Superbug Passes From Humans To Pets & Back
Transmission of an infectious superbug from dogs and cats to humans, and back again, is an increasing problem, a new study finds. Number of humans marking territory, biting others already up 100%.
Not A Drop Of Truth
Brit who's cow's milk contained traces of Mad Cow Disease says that accusations are udder nonsense.
A Festus For The Rest Of Us
Hundreds of thousands of those that missed TV high definition switchover to march on Washington carrying "Gunsmoke" Banners!
Ahmadinejad Claims Victory
Ahmadinejad says he won the Iranian election fair and square by receiving 88% of the vote compared to opponents mere 27%.
Teachers To Get Help
Thousands of teachers to be trained as dyslexic specialists say their organization is going bass-ackwards.
Water Being Cut
Families behind with water bills could have flow reduced to just a trickle. "Piss on 'em" says Thames Water.
Dudley Dooright Fails To Show
The woman who was stretched across train track, forced train into emergency stop and then hopped on while wearing a rope for a ride, says her name is "Little Nell"
Former Model Confesses Bigamy
Former glamour model confesses to bigamy - after marrying husband No.5. Then he confesses that he's Mormon and has 23 wives already.
Swine Flu Side-Effects
Trenton, New Jersey man claims that he has gained 150 pounds after receiving Swine Flu vaccine while his wife, who also had the shot, grunts with heavy breath while under him every time they have sex.
Al Gore Dreams Up Global Warming
Al Gore claims that he was warned in a dream about global warming. "I woke up and even the front of my shorts were wet."
Santa Retires After One Year
First-Year Mall Santa says he was tinkled pink over last years kids in line, will not be at the mall as Santa again.
Thar She Blows
North Korea has been accused by the UN of using Kim's political enemies to light fuse on long range missiles.
NKorea Screws Up Missile Launch
North Korean overdoes long-distance missile, as it overshoots Hawaii and in now in orbit around the earth. NASA worried about space station. Blows 100 yard wide hole in the ground that was launchpad.
Republicans Being Persuaded
Obama agrees with Republicans saying country could face major threat if water boarding forbidden. Places Cheney, Rumsfeld, Gonzales under water pressure to convince benefits of his new health plan.
Bush Finally Blasts Obama
Former President Bush opens up against Obama, blaming him for Iraq fiasco, housing mess, bad economy, Hurricane Katrina, slow FEMA response, Swine Flu, Joe Biden's hair plugs not working, ugly dog!
One-Billionth Sucker Born
The world, Bernie Madoff, Nigeria welcome the one billionth sucker to be born on planet Earth.
The Wild Wheeling & Dealing Texas Governor
Governor Rick Perry of Texas has reportedly offered to trade the city of Waco to Mexico in exchange for the Mexican resort cities of Cancun and Cozumel.
Bye Bye Guiliani, Don't Let The Door Hit You In The You-Now-What
Ex-Mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani tired of his 'non-celebrity' status is vowing to move to Iceland where he will definitely stand out.
History Students Poll
Poll: High School students in American History class vote "The Old North Church" and "The Gettysburg Address" as their favorite all-time quiz answers.
Boston's Meowing Mailbox
A two pound kitten that was dropped off in a public mailbox in Boston has been returned to the owner on account of insufficient postage.
The Story of The Defective Suicide Bomber
A suicide bomber walked into a police station in Baghdad. The fuse failed to set off the bomb. Five police officers took him out to a desolated desert and used him for target practice.
Wynonna Judd Loses Two Pounds!
Wynonna Judd has said that last week she lost a total of 2 pounds. When asked what she did, she replied that she has managed to stop eating while asleep.
Obama Wins Panel Approval
Barack Obama determined by panel to be the least prejudiced against black people of all our presidents.
Bed Needs Global Warming
Tipper Gore says she's tired of Al's intimate terms in bed such as "Ohhh, Look Out! Here comes a big old cold front!"
Suit Over Old Song
Man files suit in court over copyright of song, "I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus" only his grandfather's version was entitled "I Saw Mama With Santa Claus And She Was Naked, Using A Whip On His Butt"
Boogertown In National News
Boogertown wins the rights to display a statue of their founder, Booger T. Washington, on lawn of First Baptist Church! Church to appeal to the Supreme Court.
Telford Teenager Fires Shots
A gun toting teenager from Telford was arrested today for trying to shoot at the church clock. Apparently, the youth was trying to kill time.
Doctors Successfully Sued
Two doctors from New York whose office was in a suburban shopping center were successfully sued for mall practice, today.
Air Canada Permits Pets As Hand Luggage
Air Canada has announced that it will allow pets on board as hand luggage. Good news for elephants and their keepers flying from Mumbai to Toronto. This gives a new meaning to the word Jumbo Jet!
The "First Pooch" Is The Smartest One Ever
Bo, the "First Pooch" is a fast learner. He has already learned how to sit, fetch, and keep military secrets.
The Gerry & The Pacemaker's Reunion Tour
The 60s British band Gerry & The Pacemakers will embark on a tour of England. A band spokesman remarked that almost 50 years later, the band name Pacemakers has a totally different meaning.
Vice-President Joe Biden's Wife Jill Likes It
V.P. Joe Biden's wife Jill was asked how she likes being the V.P.'s wife. Jill said she likes it and she mostly just sits around worrying about what silly thing Joe is going to say next.
Makes Diagnosis Harder
Forty-Five years after the dance known as "The Twist" shows that 50 Percent of all 60-70 year-olds have their appendix on the wrong side.
Tee-Shirt World Opens
Local kids in a rotten mood as parents went alone to Tee-Shirt World and brought them back a tee-shirt with "My Parents Went To Tee-Shirt World & Only Brought Me Back This Lousy Tee-Shirt".
Obama Leaves Rose Garden
President Obama hurriedly left the Rose Garden before his speech on tobacco this morning after he mumbled something about "the dog pissed on the teleprompter"
Oil, Corn Up!
Monday morning prices fro oil is over $70 per barrel while the price of corn ain't going for chickenfeed.
New Conservative Group
Conservative MEPs form new group! Will release first album this fall, "Mr. Brown You've Got A Lovely Foot Up Your Ass".
Robin Williams Leaves Hospital As Patch Adams.
Robin Williams now out of the hospital after heart surgery as he was becoming a pest while visiting other patients as "Patch Adams".
Geronimo Causing US Flooding?
US officials are seeking the dismissal of a lawsuit brought against the government by descendants of Apache leader Geronimo to recover his remains. Native Americans promise more flooding.
Compromises On Whale Hunting
The annual meeting of the International Whaling Commission (IWC) has opened, with compromise talks between pro-and anti-whaling bloc delicately poised. Boycotting whales say , "Stuff it up blow-hole!"
Aussie E-Mail A Fake?
An e-mail at the centre of opposition attempts to oust Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is a fake, according to so-called police.
British End "I Before E" Rule
british government spells end of 'i before e' rule and the use of capital letters to be an oPtioN.
Thar She Blows!
Meteorologists say Tropical Depression "Badass" could be forming in the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
Obama (Spit)To Sign Anti-Smoking Bill
Obama to sign anti-smoking bill in Rose Garden while wearing three nicotine patches, jaw full of "Smokeless".
Obama Ready For NKorea
Obama: US ready for any threat from North Korea. "If necessary, we'll shoot any missiles down and discuss returning one for them to try to shoot down."
Jon and Kate Plus Eight to morph into new show with divorce
Updated reality show to cover their searches together for new significant others: "Jon and Kate Double Date."
written by Jalapenoman, 22 June 2009
Spoof Joke Elected
As more and more political jokes get elected, a political joke from The Spoof has also been elected.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 22 June 2009
Swine Flu warning
The Department of Health has been sending out emails about catching swine flu from tinned pork products, but these can be ignored as it's only Spam.
written by IainB, 22 June 2009
California May Have To Close All Of Its Schools
The California budget crisis could destroy the state's public education system. Gov. Schwarzenegger says the state could end up having to bus all its school kids to Nevada, Arizona, and Tijuana.
Tiger Woods Heckled By Beer-Drinkers
Tiger Woods was heckled during play by about a half dozen beer-drinking spectators. The spectators continued with their heckling until a security guard shot two of the hecklers. The heckling stopped.
The Weird Manhattan Armored Car Holdup
Two men robbed a Brink's armored car in downtown Manhattan. Police report that the thieves did not take any of the money. They did however escape with 14 gallons of unleaded gasoline.
The Burglary At The Detroit Newspaper Museum
Burglars broke into Detroit's Newspaper Museum. Authorities say that all that the burglars stole was a collection of crossword puzzles. Detriot Police are to say the least quite puzzled.
Miss Korea 2009 Stripped of Her Crown
Miss Korea 2009 has been stripped of her crown. Apparently pageant officials heard that she had remarked to a reporter for The Paris Daily-Croissant that she hates missiles.
The Great Big Change at West Point
The United States Military Academy at West Point has voted to change the school's name to the much more appropriate and correct United States Military Academy at East Point.
The Fox News Building Has Tons and Tons of Hot Air
A hot air balloon flew over The Fox News Building in Manhattan and it instantly gained a tremendous burst of energy. Reports say the balloon is nearing the coast of the African country of Mauritania.
Most Likely To...
Joe Biden admits that he was "The most-likely To Become A Politician And Burst Into Flames While Lying" in school yearbook. "It was a joke", says Biden, while suddenly bursting into flames.
"Why, It's Old Puddle!"
Horrible moment for young newly appointed executive at business lunch as guy in striped pants and checkered shirt remembers him as Puddle from high school.
The Israeli army announces the invention of a new kind of a sling rock-hurler that can take out a thrown rock in midair.
Smoke On The Water
Survivors of the old rock group Deep Purple to reintroduce a new version of "Smoke On The Water" with startling fifth note.
FOX New Reality Series
FOX Network planning to do new reality series about dating a 375 pound man, "Joe The Blow Hole".
Robin Williams Improving
Robin Williams still having trouble getting over open heart surgery. Keeps making "Nanoo Nanoo" noises, wants to know when his sisters, Vanessa and Serena are coming to see him.
Oil Back Up
Price of oil going back up over $70 a barrel has many Americans wondering how they'll have enough gas, petroleum jelly.