Magic Fingers Guy Dead
Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed inventor dies at 92 as someone forgot to add another quarter into his life support system.
Obama's Approval Rating Drops
Barack Obama's approval rating has dropped to 56 percent. That's the unofficial report of Bill Clinton overheard talking to Hillary.
Iran Clashes Continue
More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. To disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and those that the Ayatollah has had lobotomized.
Gambling Makes You Short
A new study shows that women who do yoga get taller as they age, but those who sit for hours playing the slots are always short.
Hulk Hogan To Appear On Dancing With The Stars
Hulk Hogan rehearsing for the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars got carried away and body slammed Cheryl Burke. Miss Burke says from her hospital room that she does not want a rematch.
Mickey D's McObamaBurger Is Selling Like Hotcakes
McDonald's says that sales of its new McObamaBurger are going through the roof. A Mickey D's executive says that the McObamaBurger is outselling last year's McBushnuggets by 10 to 1.
Conan O'Brien Misses The Big Apple
Tonight show host Conan O'Brien says that he wants to move back to New York. He says he hates earthquakes, smog, wildfires, mudslides, the Santa Ana Wind, Paris Hilton, and Perez Hilton.
The Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan Team
Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan will be starring in a Fox reality show. The name of the show is "Okay, We're Looking For Someone Much More Plainer Than Samantha Ronson."
Sorry, Our Bad
Scientists clear sixteenth century friar of murder in suspicious death. Have his bones dug out of ancient dung heap and placed in a coffin in regular cemetery
The Colorado Man With 312 Teeth!
A dentist in Pueblo, Colorado says that he has a patient who has an incredible 312 teeth. The doctor said that the man functions okay but adds that his weekly toothpaste bill is outrageous!
The Amy Winehouse Non-European Tour
The Amy Winehouse 20-City European Concert Tour has been cancelled. A spokesperson for Winehouse said that as of yesterday, promoters had only sold a total of three tickets.
Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco In The Kitchen
Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco have teamed up to star in a Fox Network reality cooking show entitled, "Baseball Recipes We Have Grown To Love."
The Unlawful Amish Teenage Girl
An Amish teenager living in Terre Haute, Indiana has been turned in to the Terre Haute police department for having a cell phone.
The Return of Paul Revere & The Raiders
The 1960s band Paul Revere & The Raiders was going to go on a reunion tour but the members have forgotten all of the lyrics and music.
Jennifer Aniston - The Guy Repeller
Jennifer Aniston who has a tremendously difficult time maintaining a relationship with guys says that she needs to find a guy soon because Samantha Ronson is starting to look good.
JAMA Reports On Sarcasm
Doctor's Study in JAMA say that almost 98% of troubled juveniles use sarcasm daily. Like that's going to help anything.
40,000 Freemasonry Druids,
40,000 Druids greet the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge, then hurriedly put their clothes back on and go back to their CPA and Actuary jobs.
World Population Pops
World population to teach 7 Billion in 2012, or 7 Million, according to how this Swine Flu thing works out.
Hope It Was Geraldo
Undercover reporter highly embarrassed as street woman ahead of him in bread line accuses him of bumping into her giant wet behind.
"First Ever Here In These Parts!"
Preacher in Beverly, West Virginia says he was forced to marry couple at gunpoint. Police say that it's their first reported Shotgun Gay Wedding!
Few Bad Apples
Scientists and doctors now say they have been able to trace the outbreak of Swine Flu last winter to a few bad apples in several cooked pig's mouths.
Spanish Bar Invites Insults from Customers
A Spanish bar invites frazzled customers to insult their waiters. It has been reported that Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand are being invited to promote the bar's offer.
written by IN SEINE, 23 June 2009
Kissing Ban in School
A Somerset school headmaster has threatened all 1,200 pupils with detention if they are caught snogging. Teachers are now having detention classes of 1,000 plus pupils.
written by IN SEINE, 23 June 2009
Zicam Nasal Spray Recalled
FDA announces that Zicam Nasal Spray can cause you to lose your sense of smell, ability to fart. Cite seven cases of people losing ability to smell or taste anything, three to spontaneously explode.
Recommended: Breast Feeding
A new study links breast feeding to higher grades, college entry, better jobs and really bad eyestrain.
Most Would Disagree
A team of scientists reported today that they think Paris Hilton may be mankind's closest living relative.
Steve Jobs' New Liver Having Problems...
It continues to spontaneously reboot and needs constant updates.
written by Wire Piddle, 23 June 2009
Word From WHO
The World Health Organization has announced that there will be plenty of Swine Flu vaccinations available for most areas this fall & in case it mutates, vaccinations for those vaccinations are ready.
The Country Once Known As Iran
The Iranian Senate has voted to change the name of their country. They say that it sounds too much like Iraq and that gets confusing. Iran's new name will be New Indiana.
The Ku Klux Klan Closes Their Kenyan Office
The KKK has decided to close their office in Nairobi, Kenya. Grand Wizard Billy Bobby Bob Buckles said that the Kenyan people are extremely prejudiced, bigoted, and racist.
The Incredible Louisiana State Bird
The state of Louisiana has finally gotten with the program. The state has officially made the mosquito the state bird.
Sammy Sosa's Incredible Eating Regimen
Sammy Sosa told a reporter for ESPN that he never ever took steroids. He said, "I get the big muscles by eating tacos, enchiladas, guacamole dip, and lots of pinata candy."
Mexico: Se Habla English?
The Mexican Senate has just approved, by a vote of 31 to 23, to make Spanish Mexico's official language.
Massachusetts: 13 Letters or 11?
The state of Massachusetts in order to save on official state letterhead ink will be dropping the first "S" and the second "T."
Glenn Beck Gets The Last Word
NYPD officers took political commentator Glenn Beck into custody for violently arguing with himself.
Chu Promotes Solar Energy.
Energy Secretary Chu: Paint world's roofs white would reflect sun's rays. Also, recommends that everyone shave their heads.
Mammals In Trouble
One in four mammal species faces extinction says scientists. "More like four out of four", claims Al Gore.
Microbe in Greenland ice wakes up after 150,000 years. Asks for a cup of strong coffee, morning newspaper. "I could murder someone for a bacon butty."
Maher Faces Two Lawsuits
Bill Maher who has called President Obama another Lindsay Lohan is being sued by the President, Lindsay Lohan.
PETA Accuses Obama
PETA says fly that President Obama executed on live TV left a wife and 10,000 children. Ask for turd bailout.
W.H. Blocks Visitor Logs
White House blocks access to visitor logs! "All our visitor logs have been flushed down the toilet.
Giant Kangeroo Screwed Out Of Existance
A fossil study of the extinct giant kangaroo has added weight to the theory that humans were responsible for the demise of "megafauna" 46,000 years ago. Powdered toenails considered an aphrodisiac.
Brown Admits Assault
R&B singer Chris Brown has pleaded guilty in the US to one count of assault on his former girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. Claims he was possessed by Ike Turner.
Alaskan Quake Reported
Quake jolts Anchorage, Alaska, but damage minimal. Sarah Palin's house looks to be fine, say Russians.
The first ever topless waitress convention is moving to a larger venue after subscriptions exceeded expectations. Please note: it will now take place in Central Park, if it's big enough.
written by IainB, 23 June 2009
Seeking Greener Cars
AP source: Ford, Nissan, Tesla to get government loans for "Green" vehicles. John Deere tractors reminds public they have been green for years.
"Nice Bright Colors"
Singer Paul Simon cracks up, sent to Bellevue Hospital in NYC after Kodak took his Kodachrome away.
Bad Results Not Reported
Bad test results often not reported to U.S. patients. Doctors claim that it would only get them all upset, hurt their feelings.
Hard To Get A Grip On
Pets Pass Superbug to Humans, humans pass Superbug to animals, Superbug passes animals to humans.
Teachers Paid To Do Nothing, Underpaid!
700 New York City teachers are paid to do nothing are considering going on strike for higher pay.
Iran Approves Fraud
Iran's top electoral body rules out vote annulment. May stop this whole silly voting process altogether as it only causes trouble.
The Suspended And Highly Bored Manny Ramirez
Suspended Dodgers player Manny Ramirez says that he is so bored that once he gets back from being suspended he will not even so much as take a Fred Flintstone vitamin.
Walt Disney Pictures Lays Off Several Dalmatians
Disney Pictures announces it will film another 101 Dalmatians movie. The studio head reveals that because of strong budget restraints the film will be titled, 91 Dalmatians.
Oprah Winfrey Wants To Buy Mount Rushmore
Oprah Winfrey has decided to buy Mount Rushmore. She plans on replacing Theodore Roosevelt with her boyfriend Stedman Graham.
For Sale: The Golden Gate Bridge
Governor Schwarzenegger facing a tremendous state deficit is selling the Golden Gate Bridge. An Osaka, Japan investment group will buy it. The new name will be The Fried Rice Bridge.
It's Always The Unexpected
Doctors say the "Very Worst" has happened, despite all their efforts. The Swine Flu has mixed with the Macarena.
Foot Odor Contributes to Climate Change
Al Gore tells Congress human foot odor fosters climate change, adding 7 billion tons of noxious gases to the air. He alerts people to this plight via his jet, causing 14 billion tons of toxic waste.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 June 2009