New Orleans Drafts Zombie
Zombie draft choice for the New Orleans Saints better at stiff-arming a tackler than any running back they've ever seen.
The Wig Police
Phil Specter given 19 years for wearing upsetting wig. Donald Trump, Blagojevich have now had warrents delivered. William Shatner on the run.
UN Gives NKorean Ultimatum!
The United Nations has given North Korea an ultimatum to quit setting off nuclear tests or they'll begin calling their mamas some bad old names.
Brown Courting Popularity
Britain Prime Minister Gorden Brown divorces wife Sarah and marries Susan Boyle in hopes of saving his position.
Susan Boyle joins Bin Laden in caves
BGT runner up Susan Boyle has gone into hiding with Osama Bin Laden after her recent breakdown. Boyle, besieged by press wherever she goes, said "If they can't find Obama, then they won't find me"
written by Not The Nine O'clock News, 04 June 2009
Poland Discovers The Main Reason For Poverty
The Polish Investigatory Agency after conducting a one year study in the Baltic Sea port city of Gdynia has determined that the main reason for poverty is due to the lack of money.
California Considers Legalizing The "M" Word
The state of California is once again considering the legalization of Marijuana. The Marijuana Bill, known as 'Marijuana Si' is currently before a California Joint Committee.
The Cook and The Mean Pygmy Goat
A pygmy goat bit a cook working in a Brownsville, Texas bar and grill. The cook chased it down and turned into 200 pygmy goatburgers real pronto.
Shawn Johnson's DWTS Mirror Ball Trophy Destroyed
Dancing With The Stars winner, Shawn Johnson said her mirror ball trophy was broken in a flight from New York. DWTS executives state that they'll no longer buy the trophies from McDonalds.
Attention Deficit Disorder
A recent study on attention deficit disorder..He was blocking! There was no charge! He moved, a moving block! Uh, could hasten the oncoming disease of..He was blocking! Look at the replay, Ref!"
A suicide-boomer left note that said there's no way he's working until he's eighty. "POWER TO THE PEOPLE! BETTER DEAD THAN MED!"
Joe In For Jesse
Maytag finally finds Jesse White's 12 year dead body at repair shop and bury him and hire Joe the Plumber as his replacement.
Good To The Last Drop
A new study of women purchasing Viagra for husbands say that most of them wait 3 hours and 59 minutes before taking them to a hospital emergency room for erection.
Mammoth skeleton unearthed in Serbia
Suprisingly, it turned out to be the remains of late comedian, John Candy.
David Carradine dead, hanging in closet
Hotel dry-cleaning service really messed up.
Richard Simmons Brings Down Air France Transatlantic Jet
Dancin' To The Oldies banned while planes are airborne.
New Viagra Spokesman
Yankee Doodle is the new spokesman for Viagra. "How do you think I've kept it up since 1776?"
That Missing Link Was Regis' Dog
Regis finally admits that it was his childhood puppy, "Roofus" that the archaeologists dug up last week.
Car-Bomber Hits Police Station
Suspected suicide car-bomber hits police station in Pakistan. "COULD have been an accident", say scared survivors while looking over their shoulders. "Just happened to be carrying a bomb."
Joker Taken Away By Medics
Tory councillor jokes about Alzheimer's sufferers losing their memory by repeating himself on purpose at meeting, grabbed and taken away to an institution.
17th Century Witches Brew Dug Up
Archeologists unearth 17th century stone flask, buried 380 years ago to ward off witches as several old wrinkled farts flee the area.
Pupils Goggles Banned
Ban on pupils wearing swimming goggles over health and safety fears. "We wouldn't be goggling so much if they weren't wearing just a bit of clothing", claims one.
Chicken's Secret Recipe
Chicken secretly injected with beef and pork products served in UK Chinese restaurants as "Be Po Chicken"!
Vandals Got The Handles
Vandals who smashed up war graves of British soldiers as veterans prepare to commemorate D-Day, beaten fiercely with brooms by their mums.
Teenager Forced To Leave Job
Teenager 'forced out of job at upmarket shirt shop because her Coronation Street accent was too common', shits on floor.
Labour Announce Brussels Seats Gain
EU News: New Labour have announced they've gained an unprecedented 15 more seats in Brussels. They won a minibus in a raffle.
written by Dungeekin, 04 June 2009
More Premature Babies Surviving
Survival chances have greatly improved for premature babies, even those born extremely early, work reveals. Most of these babies are fathered by men who suffer from premature ejaculation!
Church In IrelandTo Pay More
The representatives of 18 religious orders named in the Ryan report into abuse in Ireland have said they will pay victims further substantial compensation plus ten sacks of potatoes each!
Machine Changes Piss To Seltzer
The founder of Cirque du Soleil, the circus performance group, is set to become Canada's first space tourist in September, as the first clown in space!
Tales Of Somali Pirates
As he looked at the radar screen Captain Andrey Nozhkin immediately feared the worst. A small vessel was closing fast from the stern. Pirates! Quickly, he sewed her bodice over her heaving bosom.
Tour De French Countryside
Nearly 200 French prisoners are preparing to take to their bikes in the first ever penal Tour de France. The winner gets prison sentence cut in half.
Boris Johnson Soaks His John Thomas While Falling Into River
Int' process, 'e's definitely soaked 'is John wee Thomas, 'is willy, 'is fifth limb, aye.
Sarah Palin For 2012?
Sarah Palin says she may run in the 2012 Presidential election. "I can down Bin Laden and field dress him with his balls in his mouth in 45 seconds!"
EU Elections Begin
Voting for the European Parliament, the EU's most powerful legislative body, is under way, with the Netherlands and the UK the first to ignore going to the polls.
Obama: New Beginnings
Obama calls for new beginning between US, Muslims. "You knock down two more of our buildings, we'll invade two more of your countries."
Ape Laughter Traced
Ape study traces evolution of laughter all the way back to a bunch of them having fun in a barrel!
Economy The Same
Jobless benefit rolls fall, initial claims dip. United States politicians continue to double-dip!
Two On Trial In NKorea
Two United State's journalists on trial in North Korea for the crime of being United State's journalists.
Medical Bills Causing Bankruptcies
Medical bills underlie 60 percent of U.S. bankruptcies according to study. Casinos account for other 40 percent.
Obama's Speech Brings Results
US President Obama offers unclenched fist to Muslims last night. This morning he received a plague of locusts in his pants.
The Most Creative Convict In Ohio
The state of Ohio's idea to have prison inmates grow their own vegetables was working out great until one of the guards found that one of the convicts had fashioned a knife out of 9,000 pumpkin seeds.
It's Not Cameron (Dee-ASS)
Actress Cameron Diaz has split from her boyfriend model Paul Sculfor. The 36-year-old actress reportedly said, "I just got tired of him mispronouncing my name. It's not (Dee-ASS), it's (DEE-Us)."
LeAnn "The Non-Stalker" Rimes
LeAnn Rimes, who is married, has been accused by model Brandi Glanville of stalking her husband actor Eddie Cibrian. The 26-year-old Rimes denies it saying, "I can't help it if he's everywhere I go."
"Tooled-up" Queen's threat to British National Party voters
The Queen has threatened to use a blunt instrument, perhaps a gold sceptre or Prince Philip, on BNP voters, "concerned about the fascists' attack on One's British-born subjects and the Commonwealth."
written by neilwatson, 04 June 2009
Boston's White Collar Crime
Dresden A. Qualvaleen, a banker from Boston, was tried and found guilty of a white collar crime. The ruling was overturned when Qualvaleen proved that all of his shirts are either yellow or green.
Th East Coast Swiss Cheese Recall
The New England Federation of Cheese Manufacturers is recalling 5,000 pounds of Swiss Cheese from dozens of East Coast grocery stores. Authorities say the cheese has holes.
Roger Clemens' Daily Vitamin Supplement Pill
Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens stated on Oprah Winfrey's Show that he should be given another chance because he had no idea that his daily vitamin supplement pill had steroids in it.
Government Motors Ready To Roll
Government Motors announced today that production of the first Obamamobile will be off the line by this fall.
Another Hanibal's Hideouts Found
Another of Hannibal the Cannibal's hideouts discovered under the stock yards offering discount meats in Chicago.
Cuba Back In OAS?
Foreign ministers of the Organization of American States have voted to lift Cuba's suspension, apparently paving the way for it to rejoin the group. Celebrate by passing around excellent cigars.
US Nuke List Goes Online
'Embarrassing' mistake puts United States nuke list online, and yep, Russia still at the top of list!
US Broke Bombing Rules!
AP source: US broke bombing rules in Afghanistan. "We have studied this thing out and it's not according to Hoyle", say experts.
Arabs Warn Obama
Don't lecture us, Arabs tell Obama. We've heard all that before. Right now we have you and most of the western world over a barrel.
New Obesity Solution?
No scars: New obesity surgery goes through mouth. Takes some metal and wires your jaws together so anything you eat has to come through a straw.
President Obama Gets Some Badass Bling From Saudi King
...and he can hardly wait to show it to his homies in the hood. Straight up.
National Turn off your Cell Phone Day Proposed
Environmentalists are asking Congress to declare every Tuesday as "National Turn off your Cell Phone Day." A green spokesperson said "that billions and billions of kilowatts can be saved annually!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 04 June 2009