Hispanic MLB Want New Hats
Hispanic Major League Baseball players say they want to wear sombreros while on the field.
June 2009, and China shuts down access to Twitter.
After corporate productivity increases by 20%, the rest of the world wishes they could follow suit.
written by Roy Turse, 02 June 2009
Your Friendly Banker
The Offshore Bank of Grenada would like to announce that anyone having accounts there & have not paid our new surtax, you have 1 week before we notify the IRS. Thank you for choosing us as your bank.
No More Obese Patients
An Alabama doctor has said that he will treat no more obese patients. "They don't fit in a chair. I can't hear a single heartbeat with a watermelon in my face. Yesterday, a shot exploded one's ass."
Jacqui Smith Stepped down Today
Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith stepped down today. After working hard all morning cleaning the upstairs windows of her sisters flat (her second home), Ms Smith had to get off the ladder sometime.
written by IN SEINE, 02 June 2009
New Dollar Low
Dollar declines as Nations Mull Reserve Currency Alternative may choose new world currency. Thus far, peso (pay so) and Euro (uou owe) ruled out.
MLB Instant Replay Study
New Major League Baseball Replay study shows that most baseball players scratch their crotch from left to right.
New Mystery Discovery
Archeologists in Egypt have a new mystery on their hands with the discovery this morning of a mummy unwrapped wearing mood ring.
Never Coming Back!
Range Parker at Yucca Mountain Repository in Nevada where the U.S. Dept. of Energy stores nuclear radioactive waste reminds people that anything or anyone that happens at Yucca Mt. STAYS at Yucca Mt.
Chicken Wins Case
Man who still thinks he's a chicken after hypnotist had heart attack and died before bringing him out of trance, wins fight with family in court to be a free-range!
Only One Will Testify
One of two 13-year-olds who fled Cousin Compound in West Virginia tell police that she can't go to court against her husband, Cousin Uncle Chester.
Former Airport Guard Arrested
Recently fired Heathrow Airport security guard who took full body scans arrested for trying to blackmail small penis men, walnut breasted women!
Consumer Confidense Lowest Yet
Consumer confidence fell to an all-time low this morning as many seen wading around city pools picking up pennies.
US Government Prejudice
The U.S. Government is spending another $200 billion dollars to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac but leaves Freddy The Freeloader to fend for himself!
"That's Him, Officer!"
After missing five years of child support and alimony, wife identifies best-looking guy in police line-up as former husband.
Ten Years Later, Still Burning
Pyromaniac tells police officers that he first began setting fires ten years ago after being left at the alter by an old flame.
Escargo Sales Slide
Paris restaurant reports that sales of their best tasting Escargot recipe sales of late, are a bit sluggish!
Fat woman wearing permanent thong when her "jacknife" from the high diving board turns into ass-buster!
Better Practice First
The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it has grounded U-Fly-Em Airlines until all safety measures are thoroughly checked.
Beatty Heard Squealing!
Ned Beatty back in Louisville, Kentucky hospital suffering from Swine Flu after still another hillbilly incident.
Two Beautiful Lookin' Redskins
The United States Bureau of Indian Affairs is reporting that Sacajawea and Pocahontas were not involved in a lesbian affair as many pilgrims had speculated.
Oh Canada - The Maple Leaf She Is Gone
Canada has voted to replace the maple leaf on its national flag with something more appropriate...a snowball.
Bugs Bunny - 68 And Goin' Strong
In a CartoonLand exclusive. Bugs Bunny, who will turn 69 on July 27, has just learned that he is allergic to carrots.
The Can Can Dancers Certainly Can!
The French National Dance Auxiliary in an effort to avoid redundancy will be dropping one of the cans from the can can dancers' name.
Hope For New York City's Homeless
The mayor of New York City has decided to sell The Brooklyn Bridge. He said it'll bring in several million dollars which will be used to feed the homeless and buy three or four of them a nice home.
The California Gold Rushers
The California Gold Rush Days Celebration committee in keeping with the desire to be politically correct will be changing the name to The California Gold Stress Days Celebration.
Falling "Wall Of Sound"
Twenty people were injured in Cleveland, Ohio at the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame after Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" falls off the wall, created such a sound!
Hybrid Hummers Coming?
Reorganized lean and mean General Motors may manufacturer new Hybrid Hummers that can get up to 10 miles per gallon!
Cheper Generic Drugs Condemned By Originals
A new study by Eli Lily and other major drug companies shows that "taking bribes, I mean generic drugs can cause you to possibly, just possibly become impotent!"
Thought They Knew
New U.N. ambassador from New Guinea just assumed that everyone there already knew that he was a former cannibal!
Blood & Gore!
Television viewers in East Tennessee claim that there is too much blood and Al Gore on their televisions there.
Better Than Usual Meal
Grammar school pupils face suspension for selling sweets to sugar-starved friends amid junk food ban. Students say they were selling chocolate brown sugar cookies, each containing a vitamin tablet.
Cattle rustlers steal Queen's stock in £15,000 Sandringham raid, quickly arrested, convicted and hanged from the nearest tree!
Matron At Oprah School On Trial
Matron at Oprah's school 'forced pupil to watch pornography', court hears in lesbian sex abuse trial, plus her car is repossessed by Oprah!
Spains Queen Sets Example
Spain's Queen Sofia gives British Royals, politicians a lesson in prudence... by taking £13 Ryanair flight to London. Will fly over Gibraltar to rub in salt.
Cambridge Helps Wussy Wimps
Cambridge axes 300-year-old tradition of posting exam results on noticeboard 'to save little wimps and wussy students from stress'
British Couple Jailed
British mother and her lover jailed for two months for adultery in Dubai. Ten lashes each for throwing kisses during trial.
Couple Cleared By Court
Couple who refused to send son to school because of his 'idiot teacher phobia' are cleared by court!
Flintoff Flinted Off!
"Why can't hotel staff speak English?": Andrew Flintoff in bizarre anti-immigration outburst. "How do I say, 'Kiss My Big Fat Ass' in their language..oh, they understand that, do they?"
Sleep-walking daughter cleared of trying to smother her sick mother to death with pillow as she thought she was feeding her a giant marshmallow!
Humilation For Brown
Humiliation for Brown as Prince Charles agrees to run the country for a few weeks till things settle a bit.
Balls In Sack?
Blairites warn picking Ed Balls for Chancellor could spark all-out war in Government sackings.
European Scrabblections: centre-right defeats Greens with Triple Letter Score
With voters due to put their X's where their mouths are Thursday, centre-right Polish Member of the European Parliament Urszula Gacek has defeated Green Party co-president Monica Frassoni at Scrabble.
No wonder they look so good!
Homeless man seen pretending to water fake plants outside hotel, hoping to collect tips from passers by for his diligence.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 June 2009
Microsoft "Project Natal" will keep dads happy during childbirth
Microsoft's "Project Natal" controller will give fathers something to do during childbirth, say experts. "No more hand-crushing, just FIFA 09 and access to the porn you know you'll need for 6 months."
The Snake Union Is Furious
Health authorities in China have banned restaurants from serving chickens which have been bitten to death by poisonous snakes and cooked for a detoxing meal. Forty snakes are immediately laid off.
West Virginia Completely Splits In Two
The West Virginia state legislature voted to allow the state to split into two states. The northern part will become West Virginia Part One and the southern part will become West Virginia Part Two.
General Motors Takes A Demotion In Rank
General Motors has finally entered into bankruptcy. President Obama says that the U.S. government will now own 60 percent of the new company which will be named Colonel Motors.
New Funeral Home
A new funeral home opening up in a small West Texas town say they realize that they are up against some stiff competition!
Another Tennessee Bombing
Reports coming in this morning say that there's been still another suicide mailbox bombing in Eastern Tennessee.
Prince Charles At D-Day Celebration!
Prince Charles is set to attend the 65th anniversary of D-Day celebrations Saturday after Barack Obama intervened in the row. More ear-room has hastily been added with both on stage at the same time.
Now red-faced Darling admits getting his expenses sums wrong as Brown hints at 'explosive diarrhea reshuffle'!
Smith Stepping Down!
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith set to quit as three top Labour MPs step down after "stepping in it" in one day.
Study Of Penquin Droppings
Scientists have located 38 emperor penguin colonies in Antarctica by using satellites to look for stains from the animals' droppings. "We now have a shitload of work to do on this", states one.
Thieves After Bees
Beekeepers say the shortage of bees and the rising price of honey have made hives & their inhabitants, a target for thieves. "We've caught three after hearing their screams" says beekeeper in Whitby."
Celebituaries: Danny La Rue, RVP (Royal Variety Performance)
An emotional tributary has poured into The Spoof for Danny la Rue, who has died at 8-1. The drag artist, born Daniel Patrick La Rue, was a regular member of the Carry On team, catchphrase: "I'm free!"
Oldest Pottery Found
Examples of pottery found in a cave at Yuchanyan in China's Hunan province may be the oldest known to science. Pet bowl has "Dino" on it.
Space Headaches Reported!
Astronauts need to add space headache to their list of occupational hazards, say researchers. Most blame silly floating around and hitting their heads doing flips.
Nancy Reagan Still Sees Ex-Prez Reagan
The former US First Lady, Nancy Reagan, says she still "sees" her husband Ronald, and talks to him. "He's mad as an old wet hen about what's going on in Washington."
Kim Names Kimbo
North Korea's leader Kim Jong-il has designated his son, Kimbo, to be the country's next leader, according to reports in South Korean media. "Just as soon as his head is in proper shape."
Obama Wants Fresh Start
Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace by starting over. "Let's invites Israelites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hittites, Hivites, Jebusites, Amorites, Golan Heights..who put 'Golan Heights' on my teleprompter?"
Japan Bans Three Words
The Japanese legislature has just voted to ban three words from the Japanese language. The words are small, short, and yellow.
The Cowlick Barbershop Quartet - Doing The Math
The top barbershop quartet in Provo, Utah, The Cowlick Quartet stated that the economy is forcing them to downsize. One of the members will be let go and the others will become The Cowlick Trio.
Nancy's high price for Obama advice "entailed entrails"
Nancy Reagan plucked the intestines from a still-living dog to convey Barack Obama's apologies for "Seance-gate" to her late husband, Ronald. "Give him three months, he'll get a new dog," she cackled.
Indian Camels - One Hump or Two?
The Unified Taxation Department of India in order to raise much-needed funds will levy an inspection tax on all Indian camels. The fees will be $30 for a two humper and $15 for a one humper.
Iranians Invited To July 4th Celebration
The US inviting Iranian diplomats to July 4 parties this year should add considerably to the fireworks!
The Country Known As Uruguay
The South American country of Uruguay is in the worst economic shape it has ever been in. The country's leader has emailed President Obama and asked him to please make Uruguay the 51st state.
The Detroit Rolls Royce's Are Going Bye-Bye
Rolls Royce has decided to close down their Detroit dealership. A spokesman said that they just got tired of having to fix the damn bullet holes.
Sean and Robin and Baby What Penn
A very close friend of the Sean Penn's said that the real reason that they are getting a divorce is because of Sean's insistence that they name their next baby boy Ballpoint Penn.
O'Brian Takes Over "Tonight Show"
Conan O'Brien made his debut on 'The Tonight Show' last night. Shows off new chin implants!
Cattle Has Bovine TB
Nebraska cattle herd tests positive for bovine TB as cattle keep farmers, ranchers up all night coughing!
White House Sick
White House frames health care as economic problem. "We're sick to death that people aren't out there spending their stimulus packages!"
Sotomayor Would Be 6th Catholic
Sotomayor would be 6th Catholic on Supreme Court. Could possibly bring about a "Washington DC Inquisition"! Selling of indulgences to politicians.
Cocaine in "Red Bull"
Traces of cocaine 'found in Red Bull' in Hong Kong, baby food, pet food in U.S. imported from China.
Flying Is Safer
Flying Is Safer Than Ever! This is according to passengers surveyed at airports after their flight makes it to their destination safely.
TV Causes Learning Lag
New study finds that TV causes learning lag in infants. Many think of Barney as their real father...mother.
Indian Company To Purchase Hummer?
General Motors in tentative deal to sell Hummer. The Tata Nano producers of India are considering using the Hummer to transport 50 people at a time in mass transit.
Riverdance, Oceandrown: dancer literally and metaphorically "sunk"
A "lost at sea" Riverdance star's ability to tread water may have been hampered by her choice of dance discipline. Tests show that, in a crisis, Irish dancers' arms stay by their sides and they drown.
Shark Attacks Reported in Iowa
There have been several reported cases of shark attacks occurring in Iowa. Marine biologists attribute this outbreak to the shark's evolutionary ability to adapt to swimming in corn fields.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 June 2009