New FOX Reality Show
The Xerox Company has announced that they will sponsor FOX Network's new reality show, "Just Who's Ass Is This, Anyway?"
The oldest man in the United States to get a college degree at the age of 93, asks Social Security to pay for student loan, 50 kegs of beer.
New Census Papers
The new census papers for 2010 has everybody who has seen them in an uproar as question #15 is, "Will you or will you not vote for Barack Obama as President in 2012?"
Monkey Types Shakespeare
Monkey at San Diego Zoo calmly sits down at typewriter and types out "Midsummer Night's Dream" but eats papers and smears crap on typewriter before paper can be grabbed.
Cannibal Losing Weight
A cross-eyed cannibal near New Guinea airport tells tourists there that he never knows where his next meal is coming from.
US Has Most Prisoners
The United States now has one fourth of all the world's prisoners, most of them criminals or "would be" criminals.
New Nudist Sunglasses
Ray Ban introduces new line of sunglasses for nudists that automatically darken the view whenever an old fart passes by.
First Sasquatch Footprints
Early next Monday morning in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater, the first Sasquatch will leave his big footprints there alongside the many stars.
Chips In China
The Lays Company have built a large chip factory in China which now leads the world in computer components and munchies.
New Writers Consistant
Publishing companies in New York City say that 90% of new writers who send in manuscripts have dedicated their book to Oprah.
"That's Not A Word!"
Police were called in once again to the same household in Chicago Tuesday night after scrabble players once again have loud exchange of words.
NYC Misses Osama Again
New York City police say they once again spotted Osama Bin Laden in an alley last night but he managed to slip away again.
Laura Bush Fed Up
Laura Bush says that she and former president George Bush are seeing a marriage counselor. "I've dressed for bed as Saddam Hussein for the last time", says former first lady.
A Bad Sign
The US military announced that it thinks it was a bad sign today as Israel sent a rocket into space with two of all types of animals, couple from Tel Aviv.
It's somewhere near the top. Apparently.
written by Blazing Saddle, 17 June 2009
Scientists Discover Why Men Fart Far More Than Women
Scientists at Bristol University claimed that men fart more than women because women cannot keep their mouths shut long enough to build the sufficient pressure required.
The Plane Formerly Known As Air Force One
President Obama has said that in honor of the nation's rap artists he has agreed to change the name of Air Force One to Air Force It Be The One Bro.
Important News Out Of Zimbabwe
The United States government has recalled its ambassador to Zimbabwe because of that country's outbreak of Vine Flu.
The World's Largest Jack-O-Lantern
A farmer in Iowa says that he has developed a pumpkin that is so big that it can easily feed 500 trick or treaters.
South Korea Wants North Korea To Change Its Name
South Korea asks the United Nations to force North Korea to change its name. South Korea feels North Korea is giving it a bad name. South Korea suggests the name Stupidland.
The Very Little Used Nevada Drive-Thru Window
Dr. Emerson Buckminster, one of the leading proctologists in Nevada, is surprised that only two patients have used his office's drive-thru window since it was opened on January 2, of this year.
Margaret Thatcher Chooses Appropriate Epitaph
Ex-Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher has been contemplating death. She reportedly said: "I'm proud to be known as the 'Iron Lady' and I think it is appropriate to put on my headstone " RUST IN PEACE".
Lady streaks at Royal Ascot
A young female streaker ran on to the course wearing only her birthday suit - it was double-breasted of course!
Belgian Girl Becomes Human Horrorscope.
A Belgian girl has turned into a walking horoscope when you look at her face, you can read your fortune in the stars - 56 of them. Her father is considering renaming her
Cat Killer "Just Practicing"
Tyler Weinman, accused of serial cat murder, claims best friend's older brother offered him job at nearby slaughterhouse. Weinman also called non-vegetarian cat owners "hypocrites."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 June 2009
Hybrid Tomatoes Getting Loud!
Shoppers at grocery stores say hybrid tomatoes trying to sell themselves to potential customers worse than hookers on the town's streets at night.
British Ambassador On Carpet In Iran
British ambassador to Iran summoned over Brown and Miliband's "rude comments about our election crisis being an election crisis!"
Jobless Rate Soars, Lands
Jobless rate soars to twelve year high as company directors on the dole jump 200%, some from as high as thirty-story windows!
Probably Undercover Cop
Police try to racially balance stop-and-search figures by making unjustified stops, watchdog claims, now accused of using volunteers as same white male stopped 24 times.
Chrysler's Fine-As-Heck New Name
The Chrysler Auto Company in order to attract more customers will change its name to The Naked Angelina Jolie Car Company.
And General Motors Counters With Their Own New Name
The General Motors Auto Corporation not to be outdone by Chrysler's new name changes their name to The Nude Heidi Klum Kar Kompany.
Over Half A Million Coffee Grinders: Come On Back
Starbucks is recalling 530,000 coffee grinders because they can turn on all of a sudden and fail to turn off posing a possible risk of injury. Hey...that sounds like Hugh Hefner.
The Amish Need A 'Bailout'
The Amish Society has asked President Obama for assistance in the form of a Federal 'Bailout.' They say they need it because of the increase in cost of butter churners, buggy whips, and petticoats.
The Barbacoa Brothers Construction Company News
The Barbacoa Brothers Construction Company of Los Angeles has announced they have received the contract to paint the space station. Their $13,000 bid was by far the lowest bid among 7,489 bidders.
The Sea Formerly Known As The Black
Russia and Turkey both agree to honor golfing great Tiger Woods by renaming the Black Sea in his honor. Effective August 1, 2009, The Black Sea will be known as The Black Tiger Sea.
The Queen's Brand New Royal Gown
Queen Elizabeth influenced by Michelle Obama has instructed the Royal seamstress to sew her a sleeveless Royal gown.
The Dave Clark Five Are Coming to America
The 60s British band The Dave Clark Five will be going on a reunion tour in the United States. Their manager, in keeping with the high Hispanic influence, has renamed the band The Dave Clark Cinco.
Midwest Flooded Again
Midwest hit with floods of Biblical proportions as orangutans, chimpanzees wave bye-bye, fling poo from deck of the ark.
Republicans May Be Back
White House reacts to reemergence of far right extremist groups, otherwise known to them as "Republicans".
ABC Bends Over Telecast
ABC News to turn over entire newscast to President Obama to make case for health cre changes. Won't be the last time they "turn over' for Obama.
Obama Signs Bank Changes
President Obama to sign legislation that banks must require at least two pieces of identification before making anymore $1 Million loans.
Ding Donger From Detroit
Big guy in Detroit arrested after he kept "accidentally" poking dong through dressing room curtain.
Usually Only Lasts A Week
Wall Street falls once again as annual "Ye Aulde Spam Days" continues celebration into seventh month.
"Old Ernie" Found Dead
Winos gathered around NYC police drawing of victim on sidewalk say it's "Old Ernie" because of the size of its nose.
Change In Air Force One
One major change in US Air Force One is artificial steering wheel added up front so VP Joe Biden can claim he helps fly it.
Wheelie Bin Revolt
Wheelie bin revolt: Householders fight back over monster plastic bins blighting our front gardens. Government responds: "You may need it for your dwelling place unless economy improves."
NKorea Warns Again
North Korea warns of retaliation. "If we are nuked into a hole in the ground, we will return fire a thousand-fold", say leaders, every few minutes while looking over shoulder.
Child Should Not Smoke In Car
Call to ban child-in-car smoking. "Child should have to smoke outside the car, just like adults at workplaces, offices, restaurants", say officials.
Now She's Star Material
Police in Belgium are investigating a complaint from a teenager who says a tattooist peppered her face with stars after she asked for only three. Also thirteen stripes on buns.
Snorting Shark Meat
The Mexican Navy says it has "taken a bite out of crime" and seized more than a tonne of cocaine hidden inside the carcasses of frozen sharks.
Climate Report Dire
New US climate report dire, but offers hope. "We're all going to die but most are hopeful of much better next life."
Sex Selling For Less
Sex selling for less amid economic downturn. Even the "two-bit" term has returned in some small towns and cities.
Vermont School Days
Vermont village schoolhouse closes after 208 years. Students say they will miss school but not hickory stick.
Climate Change Is Here, (Always Was)
Climate change is happening 'here, now': US report. "If you don't like our global warming reports, just wait a few hours and it will change."
NKorea Warns US, Allies
North Korea warns US of 'thousand-fold' military action. The Spoof will be destroyed first because of it's stories of our glorious leader's funny-shaped head being funny-shaped.
The Shoe Bombers Are "Hurtin'"
The recession is even having an affect on Syrian shoe bombers. Some report having to switch over from regular loafers to bedroom slippers.
Remember The Old South Fork Ranch in Dallas
The owner of the South Fork Ranch made famous by the TV show Dallas has decided to change the name due to trespassers stealing the signs. The new ranch name will be The North Spoon Ranch.
The Most Unusual Cab Driver In New York City
A cab driver in New York City has been located who is actually a 100 percent, born in America, red-blooded U.S. citizen and who speaks with no accent whatsoever.
The Happiest Poor People In The USA
The state of Alabama has decided that in order to try and keep as many of its poor citizens happy it will supplement its food stamp program by adding beer stamps and cigarette stamps.
The City Once Known As Baghdad
The Baghdad city council has voted 6 to 4 to change the name of the city. On June 30, Baghdad will honor its mothers, daughters, aunts, and grandmothers by becoming Baghmom.
Alien Invasion Ignored, Gorgs Love Moonshine
Alien invasion in Bear Wallow, Kentucky mistaken for cousins coming to visit for the first time ever, from over 50 miles away!
An Aside To Michelle
Michelle Obama reveals that during hug Queen Elizabeth whispered, "I kicked the Queen of Sweden's ass at croquet last week."
New Gore Movie To Have Plenty Of Gore
Al Gore says that his next documentary will be about the Swine Flu, excessive masturbation and fire ants heading north.
Horrible Gypsy Curse
Old gypsy woman puts modern curse on couple passing up her offer to read their palms. Predicts all their seven-year light bulbs will only last five!
Couple Celebrate Silver Anniversary
Fo their Silver Wedding Anniversary, couple from Greenbriar, Tennessee go out to eat at restaurant that uses real silver at each table.
Determined To Get Bouquet
Old maid, the Maid of Honor, blows away catcher of bride's bouquet in church basement during beautifully catered meal.
Yankees Offering Top Dollar
In New York, George Steinbrenner and sons offer this years all-star teams $20 Million each to sign with Yankees next season.
Pakistan Attacks Taliban
Pakistan prepares offensive on Taliban stronghold. Plans to reduce rubble into smaller pieces of rubble.
Loss Of Smell
FDA says Zicam nasal spray can cause loss of smell. Recommend a quick spray before visiting brothels in Paris, restaurants in Middle East.
Dreams Have meaning
Wish Fulfillment? No. But dreams (and sleep) have meaning. For instance a giant spider may mean your wife's mother is coming to visit.
Obama Teleprompter Words Switched
Obama was to give a speech, today, about North Korea. Instead, confused on lookers sat and listened as he read, "Stay tuned to eye witness 5 news for more coverage of severe weather in your area."
written by Nik Voelz, 17 June 2009