Old Mush Mouth
The remains of that musher and his dog team have been found that went missing over a week ago during a competition in Alaska. Dogs look fat and fine but their breath would kill the dead.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Earth-like Planet Was Earth
Scientists apologized today over the supposed discovery of an Earth-like planet yesterday & admit that what they were seeing WAS the Earth. "We just looked through the wrong end of Hubble Telescope."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Susan Boyle to re-record every song written or performed
Susan is to spend the next ten months re-recording stuff by the three tenors, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbinson, Frank Sinatra, the Beatles and Bing Crosby etc - which are now thought to be crap!
written by Khadija, 22 April 2009
Missed His Opportunity
Local man in Salt Lake City, Utah, doesn't answer door when opportunity knocked, attacked by opportunist burglars who came in through the window.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Mesquite/Forest Fire Wonderful Flavor
Firefighters in northern Texas say they will keep fighting two-week old forest and mesquite-smelling fire just as long as communities keep bringing those BBQ sandwiches.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Ford's New Carbon Footprint Scheme
The Ford Motor Company says they will off-set carbon footprints, not by producing green cars, but by closing down all their factories six months a year.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
NFL Going Green
The National Football League announced it's going further green by using astronaut device to change player's piss into Gatorade.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Chief Justice Thomas Having Problems
Chief Justice Clarence Thomas being carefully watched as three times now he has stated, "Well, according to the monkey's testimony at the Scopes Trial..."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
New Guy's Initiation
New worker at London meat cutters jeered as "Mister Pretty Boy over there with all his fingers and both thumbs!"
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Rail Prices, Hackles Rise
Passenger fury as rail firms raise prices by 11%... as the economy suffers deflation. "We're being railroaded", says one customer.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Computers Hacked
Hunt is on for the hackers who infected 1.9 million "turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay"...1.9,000,001 computers. "tiptoe through the tulips"....
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Tracking The Students
Pupils on school buses can now be tracked by parents, child molesters thanks to GPS tickets.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Early Summer In Britain?
Has summer come early? Britain heads for hottest April in ten years. Citizens say "Global Warming" not so bad, let those spoiled rotten grandchildren worry about it. Do them good.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Near Plane Crash
The moment a model plane came within seconds of crashing into Virgin holiday jet shown on net video. Passengers of both planes safe but a bit shaky.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Ryanair Getting Cheeky
Budget airline Ryanair considers 'fat tax' for it's obese passengers. Already placing "Your Ass Must Be Under This Size For Regular Airfare" signs at airports.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Tupperware Party Turns Violent
Head boy at top public school arrested over knife fight at a Tupperware party, the third one to turn violent this year. Cops blame "Burping Lid" jokes run amok.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Credit Card Pirates
Credit card giants defy plea to 'be fair': Interest payments soar as base rate, Grinch's heart size hits record low.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Darling Socks It To The Rich, Rich Strike Back
Credit Crunch Budget: Darling puts Britain into debt for a decade, hammers wealthy with huge tax rate that assures that they will move & take companies to other countries.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
IMF Misquoted
IMF denies saying that a Deeper' recession lies ahead. "What we said was 'A more shallow depression'", states IMF official spokesperson.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
New Brain Built
A detailed simulation of a small region of a brain built molecule by molecule has been constructed & has recreated experimental results from real brains. Gov. officials line up for first transplants.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Drinks Make Sickness Worse
Parents are making children suffering from vomiting and diarrhea more sick by giving them flat open-bottled coke and salmonella-flavored lemonade, experts say.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
French Celebrating Early
French deliver 11 piracy suspects, 10 lords a-leaping..... 3 French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Kansas Schools Object!
The citizens of Topeka, Kansas have voted to have the theory of Superman's Fortress of Solitude removed from their public schools.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Russian FM Accuses NATO
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has accused members of NATO of reverting to the "confrontational logic of the Cold War" simply because of our re-starting that silly Berlin Wall thingie."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
"And He's OK!"
25-year-old Somali pirate, Dahir, has told the BBC by telly from the notorious den of Harardhere, Central Somalia why he became a sea bandit. "If not a pirate, I'd go to Canada & become a lumberjack."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Benitez: Liverpool Made Mistakes
Manager Rafael Benitez says Liverpool made "massive mistakes" in the 4-4 draw with Arsenal but insists his side will not give up in the fright, fight for the bottle...title.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
T. Rex Ancestor Found In China
Ancestor of Tyrannosaurus Rex found in China. "T. Ray was always mouthing off about something or somebody", stated Ancestor. "It doesn't surprise me in least that the lad's became extinct."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
New Zealanders Choose New Island Names
New Zealanders are to be asked what they would like to call their two main islands, currently North and South. Thus far, Twitter Dee and Twitter Dum lead the list.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Two Million Computers Hacked! (Cough)
Almost 2 million PCs globally, including machines inside UK and US government departments, have been taken over by malicious hackers. Experts say first sign is when your computer has bad coughing fit.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Tigers, Lions Surrender
Two senior Tamil Tiger rebels in Sri Lanka have surrendered to the military, the army says. Meanwhile, nine Detroit Lions have turned themselves in to NFL authorities for "being losers".
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Dems Blame Bush For Gitmo, Recession, Toe Cramps
U.S. Democrats: Bush policy 'led to Abu Ghraib'. Would have been different if Empire State Building had also been blown to bits.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Fleetwood Mac Describes Freddie
The acting chief financial officer of struggling US mortgage giant Freddie Mac has been found dead, reports his British cousin, Fleetwood. "Freddie was a giant, but with feet of clay", says Fleetwood.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Screwed As Usual
Alistair Darling has announced a new top tax rate of 50% for those earning more than £150,000 from next April. For those who earn less, a top rate of 75% but 0% tax on cake.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
New figurehead to watch over M62
A 20m face has appeared over the place M62 at Manchester. The sculpture is called "The Dream". Meanwhile, a giant fountain has been revealed at a Milton Keynes roundabout called "The Wet Dream".
written by norma snockers, 22 April 2009
The 40,000-Year-Old Pet
A well-preserved 40,000 year-old baby mammoth has been found in Siberia. A research scientist said that he found a name tag attached to its collar which read: If lost please return to Cloris Leachman.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
The St. Louis Anger Management Class
April's monthly St. Louis Anger Management Class was abruptly cancelled due to the fact that the instructor and three of the students got into one hellacious free-for-all.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
A Lot of Chimps Are Not Happy (Hour) Campers
The biggest banana shortage in 20 years has caused the closing down of dozens of Monkey Bars throughout America.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
The Detroit Crime Stoppers Program
The Detroit Daily Bugle has reported that the city's Crime Stoppers Program is being discontinued. A spokesperson for the city said that it was just not stopping crime.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
Wanted: Two Palm Trees
A man went into a nursery and told the saleman that he wanted to buy two palm trees. He was told they had no palm trees but that they did have two finger bushes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
L.A.'s Unbelievable New Year (2010)
The city of Los Angeles has voted to celebrate next New Year's Eve on January 7. The city council said they had to do something about the horrible traffic situation.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
The Harley Davidson Models (Bikes & Broads)
Harley Davidson reports first quarter losses at 37 percent. A company rep says that plans are underway to have the motorcyle models wear short shorts made out of dental floss.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
Run Rico Run
The X Plant Shop owners in Brooklyn are very concerned about one of their African Bang Bang Carnivorous Plants. It seems that overnight it ate the store's security guard dog, a Rottweiler named Rico.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 April 2009
NY Pharacies To Translate Drugs
NY pharmacies agree to translate drug instructions into Spanish, French, Russian, Chinese and English, but you still won't be able to read Doctor's writing.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Top Pentagon Commander Meets Troops In Afghanistan
Top Pentagon commander meets U.S. troops in Afghanistan. Tells them, "You guys over here? I thought you were still in Baghdad. Washington tells me nothing. Somebody place a call to President Bush."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
"Refrigerator Perry" Hospitalized"
Former Chicago Bears defensive lineman William "The Refrigerator" Perry is in serious condition at South Carolina hospital. Friends noticed his light didn't come on when they opened his door.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
CIA Mistreated Small-Town Bombers, Not Big Cities Like NYC
Report links CIA to military harsh interrogations. "These CIA monsters also kept the poor mistreated captives jailed who only wanted to blow up small towns in rural U.S. not big cities as accused."
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Students Taunt Moose
Alaska school punishes students for taunting moose by asking it if it was related to Sarah Palin, calling it Bullwinkle & asking whereabouts of Rocky J Squirrel?
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Mother Makes Daughters Leave Car
Police say mom ordered daughters out, drove off after telling them for twentieth time, "No we're not there yet, but you two are so get out." Court hearing today,
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Obama Observes Earth Day
President Obama to head to Iowa for observance of Earth Day, on Air Force One to plant a tree.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Squatters Head For Empty Foreclosed Houses
Worst foreclosure rates with empty houses found in 4 states. Attention squatters, gypsies, worst foreclosures rates and empty houses found in four states.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Paris Hilton Insulted
Paris Hilton leaves bar after former Marine Sarge asks her, "How's you like to see me do 1,000 push-ups, really really close-up?"
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Gingrich May Run In 2012 With New Name
Newt Gangrich says he may yet run for President in 2012 but may change his name to be more hip, like Lizard Doggy Dogg Gingrich.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Texas Discusses Secession
The 'Great Fence of Texas' now a certainty.
written by Mr. Lizard, 22 April 2009
Greenpeace Or Greenpiece
Greenpeace demands that area immediately outside of Las Vegas to the north be designated a special zone for free-range prostitutes.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Indians Win Legal Battle
Cowapache Indians win right from the United States Supreme Court to "Sacred Land of Many Buried Fathers", open Harrah's Casino.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
U.S. 2010 Census Thorough
The United States territories will be on the 2010 census, such as Puerto Rico, Guam, Virgin Islands, Land below the North Pole and on the Moon.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
Special Wine Sale
Snippet not for French, it is beneath you. Everyone else, WalMart Wine announces big sale. Special low prices for those who will drink it AFTER a bottle of your favorite which has already crocked you.
written by Bureau, 22 April 2009
