Kicked Her Bass
San Jose police arrested Bill Acton after he reportedly beat his fiancee with a 20-pound tuna. However, June Lee then admitted that she had made it up. An officer said it sounded fishy from the first.
Two-Buck Chuck, IntroducesTwo-Bit Shit!
After scoring a hit with their "Two-Buck Chuck" Wine, the same company now offers "Two-Bit Shit", the Light Beer with the Guy puking his guts out on the label.
Al Gore Hates Practical Joke
Former Vice President Al Gore not happy at all about a local group of republicans in Knoxville slipping a snow-making machine onto his roof and him opening front door to a three foot slide of snow.
New Original Trek?
Many of the original cast of Star Trek trying to get around while off their walkers, enough to film one more remake. Tentative Title: "The Opening Of The Geeky Billfolds"
Innocent Sportscaster Fired
Innocent sports commentator kicked off the air for saying "Now he has three balls on him", "Takes time out to don his protective gear" and "He appeared to come out of nowhere".
Hasselhoff Gets Bad News
Some bad news for David Hasselhoff. His latest movie will not be shipped directly to video after all, but taken to the landfill and given a decent burial.
Japan's new robot baseball pitcher throws high and inside to brush back batter accidentally throws ball through his head.
Sell! Sell! Sell!
Couple leave Big Lots in a hurry after catching a glimpse of their stockbroker sitting at desk in the Big Lots outdoor patio section.
College Kids Help
College kids on Spring Break lend a hand in Florida Keys, getting a great white beached whale back upstairs to his room after turning his ankle
Republicans Getting Jiggy Wid It
Republicans, trying to improve their image among the nation's youth, decide to purchase for themselves one of those Atari game doodles.
Company employees in Newberg, Kentucky beginning to get suspicious after company starts each work day with Mexican National Anthem.
O.J. On Commercials Again?
O.J. or Orange Juice Simpson, who used to do all those orange juice commercials, asks if he could do a few more wearing his new orange outfits.
Kim Jong Il leads North Korea in massive rally celebrating the successful missile launch that has satellite circling the ocean.
Israel Has Good Launch
Israel successfully tests system to shoot down any shithead Iranian wuss missiles.
Penn Joins Obama Adm.
Actor Kal Penn from "Harold And Kumar" joins the Obama administration to teach the President how to act sincere, tearful, the French snub and smart.
General Motor's Hummer Production to Cease
Interim GM CEO Melvin Pushrod announced the end of the infamous Hummer SUV today. "We've simply run out of microphallic assholes to sell them to." stated Pushrod.
written by Jay T. Jennings, 08 April 2009
Children ill after chlorine leak
About 40 people, mainly children, have been affected by a suspected chlorine leak at a Black Country swimming pool. We're sorry, that was a typo - we really meant URINE!
written by norma snockers, 08 April 2009
Mayor In Jail
Carlisle Mayor who stole £40,000 to fund online gambling addiction is jailed. Request for having her laptop brought to her, denied.
School Senior Ruins Chances
Senior at Burns High School in Utah blows chance of becoming Homecoming King after firing a few rounds at some cockroaches in the school cafeteria.
Joe The Citizen
Vice President Joe Biden in yesterday's interview requested that the press just call him "Da Veepster" in the future. No use using all that high falutin' horse hockey titles.
What A Guy!
Before coming back to Washington President Obama persuades Israelis & Palestinians into using only pillow fights, water balloons and bold rude gesturing in future skirmishes.
Mums The Word
United States Intelligence Chief proposes building another top secret spy satellite but asks that word not be passed around. Remember "Loose Lips Might, Sink Spy Satellite!"
Obama May Take Drastic Actions
The president's new science adviser said that global warming is so dire, the Obama administration is discussing drastic options to cool Earth's air, like placing giant fans at the North & South Poles.
Obama Jams Return Visit To U.S. Into Jam-Packed Trip
Obama returns to Washington after jam-packed trip, will probably give most of the jam to different food pantries.
Jobbers Shopping Themselves
Job seekers are investing in plastic surgery to make themselves more marketable, also face transplants. Rolled up socks and wads of tissue making a comeback for the ones who can't afford the surgery.
US Space Tourist Lands Safely
A Russian Soyuz capsule carrying US space tourist Charles Simonyi and two other crewmembers has landed in Kazakhstan, or possibly the North Pole, Russian officials say.
Blair Condemns Pope From Leper Colony
Tony Blair has questioned the Pope's attitude towards homosexuality, arguing that the religious leader must start "rethinking" the issue, rewriting and editing the Bible a bit more.
97% Of E-Mails Unwanted
More than 97% of e-mails sent over the net are unwanted, according to a Microsoft security report, including this one which was supposed to be funny. Next one is better. About those Somalia pirates.
Somali Pirates Eating Up The Seas
Somali pirates have hijacked a Danish ship after yesterday's bold assault on a U.S. Merchant ship carrying load of Starbucks coffee.
Cyberspies Could Disrupt Power Grids
Cyberspies have penetrated the U.S. electrical grid leaving behind software that could be used to disrupt our system as our satellites disrupt theirs, according to national-security officials.
Obama Still Learning
PAGLIA: Obama's painful missteps; Bowing to king of Saudi Arabia, pissing out of French hotel window, making farts with armpits to Queen.
Jacksons Not Happy With Obama
A congressional ethics board has launched an inquiry into U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill), related to President Obama's vacant Senate seat. "I'll cut off Obama's balls, yet" says Jesse Jackson Sr.
GMC, Segway "Car" Combo
GMC is teaming with Segway, maker of the upright, self balancing scooters, to build a new type of two-wheeled "Seego" designed to move through congested urban streets & get flattened by a Indian Nano.
French: Bugger The Bosses
Almost half of French people believe it is acceptable for workers facing layoffs to lock up their bosses, according to opinion poll published on Tuesday. "Have them cleaning toilets, throw away key!"
Communities Printing Own Local Money
A small but growing number of cash-strapped American communities are printing their own money. U.S. Treasury says they can use the help as they can't keep up on their own.
Mortgage delinquencies soar in the U.S. as juveniles who took out loans on million dollar tree houses cannot keep up with payments, pants.
Financial Crisis Not Over Yet
United States' financial crisis 'Far From Over,'says Congressional Oversight Panel before they break and eat their cans of Beanie Weinies with saltines.
U.S. Agree On Exchange Of Art, Missiles
U.S. officials flying to Cuba, not to visit prisoners at Guantanamo Bay but to meet with Castro brothers in order to ease the 50-year tensions between the two nations. Fidel: What's 50 years? Nothing!
History is to be taught in new curriculum
History teachers in Britain are delighted because history is to be taught in the new curriculum. This means that at least their jobs are safe!
written by norma snockers, 08 April 2009
Ticking and Tocking
The British Parliament faced with the fact that the British economy is getting worse by the week has voted to raise money by selling Big Ben.
Is It Dysfunctional Or Is It Memorex?
A recent New York poll shows that 75 percent of its residents say that their state government is dysfunctional. The other 25 percent say that it's merely F'ed up big time.
Nicolas Cage Sells His Bavarian Castle
Nicolas Cage has sold his 28-room Bavarian castle. The reason he gave was that the price of moat aligator food has tripled in price.
Weather Bureau Predicts Rain over Easter
Weather bureau predicts it will rain all over the UK during Easter. All of Britain is in shock. "This has never happened before!" said one by-stander, reaching for his brolly.
written by Bluebella, 08 April 2009
MP in new porn expenses shock
The government faced further embarrasment today when it was revealed that Jacqui Smith's husband had also claimed expenses of £1.99 for a large box of tissues...
written by Piemaster, 08 April 2009
Colin Pollack confused by fish name change
Mr Colin Pollack (37) of Grimsby said "This has got me totally confused. What am I supposed to do now, everyone will start calling me Pollack Colin. And some people will think I'm Polish.
written by Piemaster, 08 April 2009
Space Vampires Invade ISS
North Korean spaceman make impromptu visit to international space station.
written by Leonardo Picasso, 08 April 2009
Is He Still Hanging Around?
The remains of a German man who committed suicide in 1980 were found in a tree 40 feet above the ground where it had hung undisturbed for 29 years. Man who found it thought he heard wind chimes.