Nonooky, Alaska Makes Announcement
In Nonooky, Alaska, local scientists say they have made a major breakthrough in cloning real women for 8,000 lonely men who are scattered living in rustic cabins on thirty-five thousand acres.
Meanwhile In Polygamy, Utah
The only man with only one wife in the city of Polygamy, Utah, claims that she is really a red-hot mama!
Brazil Finds Whipple Trees
The nation of Brazil has announced the discovery of hundreds of acres of Whipple trees that should yield the biggest crop of the softest toilet paper in history.
Sacred Cow Injures 500
Over 500 passengers were injured in India yesterday when the train they were hanging onto had to suddenly break for a sacred cow that had wandered onto the tracks.
Eskimos Flee Village
The Eskimos of Alaska have stood firm against the most extreme weather on Earth for thousands of years. But now flooding is forcing at least one Eskimo village to move to safer ground, as houses melt.
WalMarkStock Dropped % Again
WakMart stock dropped 10% today upon learning that 50% of Mexican labor were returning to their jobs back in Mexico.
General Lee Remembered, In Geneal
In 1865 on this date, General Lee surounded to the Union after hearing gypsy prediction that no one would remember the General except those who apply it to a car in Hazzard.
Couch Potatoes Encouraged
Exercise pill holds promise for couch potatoes. "Run along to the bathroom, Pet, and bring us a pill and a glass of water!"
Quayne Declines Invitation
Dan Quayle declines "Dancing With the Stars". "I was born with two left thumbs", states former Vice President.
Oldest Joke Found
The world's oldest joke has been discovered in France on cave drawings of thousands of years ago. Shows guy holding finger out to woman for her to pull.
Northern Lights Solved
The mystery of the Northern Lights has been solved. They are the sun's reflection of the Emerald City of Oz.
Brits Drop Olympic Event
Briton says it will eliminate the "Dissident Throw" from it's upcoming olympics after complaints over China's added event last year.
Biden Event Overlooked
In an overlooked event for Earth Day, because no one cares about the VP, Joe Biden allowed a team of girl scouts to implant ten more hair plugs.
Michael Jackson A Wreck
Michael Jackson's limousine has been in an accident. Witnesses say Michael was hurried away but he left his entire face on the surface of the airbag.
Ruth Madoff Earned Her Money
Bernie Madoff's wife, Ruth, is saying she has her own money, some $62 million in savings that she earned by selling copies of photographs of Bernie being molested in jail.
Bill Clinton Beats Obama
Despite President Obama's busy first 100 days, most people say that Bill Clinton was our most organized President. "That Bill, he was on top of everything!", say most.
Not so paranoid, after all
Conspiracy theorist shocked to find it was all an elaborate hoax to make him THINK there was a conspiracy.
Plan revealed to secretly raise Bristol Palin's baby, later tossing her into Mount Redoubt's fiery calderon in attempt to appease fire gods and stop Alaskan permafrost from melting.
Lots of surprises for Susan Boyle who, upon meeting Ann Coulter for the first time, reportedly said, "Gol', she's a scary lookin' one, ain't she?"
Woody Allen "Losin The Rest Of It"
Those semi-close to Woody Allen say the actor may be losing it, or rather, losing still more of it. "Lately he ends most conversations with 'and they're still in the crawlspace'", states one.
On This Date, 1978
On this day in 1978, one of the famous Allman Brothers died after a three-hour concert when he swallowed a whole bottle of Jim Beam, including the bottle.
Purdue Farms Experiments Having No Luck
Purdue Farms has perfected a 6-legged chicken for drumstick lovers but no one has been able to catch one yet. Similar to last years "Buffalo Wing" fiasco when they used extra wings to fly to Buffalo.
Old News Show, No Complaints
A massive computer crash took out the whole 6 PM CBS News yesterday so they ran an old black & white film of 1970 Walter Cronkite CBS News. No one calling in to complain, worries them.
Copyrights Of Songs Extended
Aging musicians could receive a financial boost after the European Parliament voted to extend the copyright on sound recordings, with some of Pete Seeger's going back to the Book of Ecclesiastes.
Banjo From Africa?
The banjo is a staple of American country, bluegrass and folk music, but do its real roots lie in Africa? Bela Fleck to travel to Gambia to trace lyrics, "I Came From Gambia With A Banjo On My Knee".
Many Disagree With Clinton
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said Pakistan poses a "mortal threat" to world security. Many disagree, saying that the Taliban would only use Pakistan's nuclear weapons to punish infidels.
Stumped, adolescent Pinocchio asks Gepetto why he keeps getting stiff in his "private area." Gepetto not surprised - has noticed the boy sniffing Figaro and Cleo a lot lately.
Bullet Bounces Off Bra
A Detroit woman had a lucky escape when a burglar's bullet bounced off her bulletproof bra that is now being worn by most woman in Detroit.
U.S., Russia Meet Over Nuclear Weapons Curb
US and Russian negotiators are meeting in Rome to begin work on a new treaty to pretend to curb nuclear weapons. They plan to meet again next year to see how pretended disarmament went.
Susan Boyle to be fleeced of armpit locks, to be auctioned off for Jade Goody Reality Star Fund. Also up for grabs: The gigantic beige doily and white heels worn on Britain's Got Talent appearance.
The Taliban say they are withdrawing from a Pakistani district, after flogging all the females there, where their consolidation of power this week has caused deep concern in the US.
Kremlin (Putin) Dismisses Head Of Intelligence
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has dismissed the head of the country's powerful GRU military intelligence service, the Putin has ordered the Kremlin to say.
The Antique-Shopping Blonde
A blonde walked into an antique shop. After a few minutes the saleslady walked up to her and asked if she could help her. The blonde asked, "Okay, where do you all keep the brand new stuff?"
Hunger Striking Can Really Make You Hungry
An American citizen in an Iraqi prison has vowed to go on a hunger strike until he's released. The prison's Warden Mustafini Maskalafi remarked, "Wonderful! More food for the other prisoners."
No Vacancy At The Heartbreak Hotel
The original title of Elvis Presley's number one hit "Heartbreak Hotel" was "Messed Up Motel."
Mom-To-Be Flees Bear, Car
A pregnant Denver woman who was fleeing a bear when she was struck by a slow-moving car said she would honor the euthanized animal by giving her baby the middle name "Dead Bear."
The Unfulfilled Banker's Wife
The banker's wife finally got fed up with her husband's lack of performance. She told him that she was going to penalize him for his early withdrawal.
The New York City Locks
How To Get Rich: Go to New York City and open up a Lock Shop. It seems like everyone in New York City has at least four locks on their front door.
The Acupuncturist's Prick
The North American Acupuncturists Amalgamated Association held their annual convention in Las Vegas. The NAAAA's 2009 slogan is: Modern Day Acupuncture - Smaller Pricks Means Less Pain.
"Come Back Tomorrow!"
Car horns honked yesterday in Kentucky as drivers took in the scene: women in red bikinis, writhing in a tank of blood-red water to protest chicken killings. Some drivers yelling, "We kill hogs too".
Treasury Secretary Geither Busy
U.S. Treasury Secretary Geithner to outline efforts to fix banking system, rig horse races and tamper with Las Vegas roulette wheels.
Paul, Elton & Mick Big Losers
British singers McCartney, John and Jagger have lost large chunks of their personal fortunes during economic crisis over the last year, according to rich list! Willie Nelson to organize fundraiser.
New Swine Flu
Seven people have been diagnosed with a new kind of swine flu, which causes them to crave truffles, in California and Texas, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported on Thursday.
Bombing In Iraq
200 people are believed to have died in an suicide-bomber attack in Iraq yesterday at a shrine where 200 victims had lost their lives to a suicide bombing attack the day before.
Nigerian Hitler Paintings Sold
What a British auction house claims are a set of paintings by a young Adolf Hitler sold at auction Thursday for 97,672 pounds ($143,358). The buyer was believed to be a rep for Iran's Ahmadinejad.
Pretender Becomes Actual Victim
Drunken, Minnesota man pretending to fall off bridge, actually falls. Police, pretending to believe the man's drunken buddy, actually rescue him. He's in fair condition.
Ford Posts Smaller Lose
Ford posts smaller-than-expected loss! Bosses flown by private jets to convention in Hawaii to celebrate.