Everyone Remain Calm So You Can Die Quickly
In a call early this morning from an undisclosed location, President Obama & family send their love and ask U.S. citizens to remain calm as computer hackers have hacked the nuclear launch codes.
Bush Into Quantum Computers?
Researchers create quantum computer which works best when it is turned Off. Eerily enough, the same thing seemed to happen when George Bush was on vacations.
Congressional Staff Infection?
It has been reported that a congressional aide has caught a staff infection at the congressional gym. Who the staff was or what the aide caught is unknown, but they're taking a lot of penicillin.
Pirates In Caribbean
Pirates now in the Caribbean as U.S. oil tanker boarded and taken over by Haitians on their rafts.
New Drug Czar Different
The new Drug Czar appears more progressive than the previous ones, with his Dashiki shirt and copyrighted Jerry Garcia glasses.
Meet At The Alter?
White House Science Adviser says the United States is considering altering the earth's climate. Radio Talk Show crowds say they may alter White House Science Adviser.
Specter Rolls Eyes, Circles Ears
People staging all those Boston Tea Parties last week over increased taxes are all mad as hatters, says Phil Spector.
Franken/Coleman Split Seat
Comedian Al Franken agrees to share Minnesota Senate seat with opponent Norm Coleman, who will play the straight guy.
Old B/W Pirate Movies Making Comeback
"Abbott And Costello Meet The Pirates" #7 at the movie box office last week, followed by another B&W, "The Death Of A Pirate" starring Douglas Fairbanks. Look for over 100 more of these classics!
Jung Il Does It Again
North Korea has announced to it's cheering citizens that their astronauts sent up by rocket a couple weeks ago have planted a North Korean flag on the dark side of the sun.
Depp Being Sued
Johnny Depp is being sued by several companies around the world for "Starting back up all this pirate shit."
Madoff Says He's OK
Bernie Madoff tells reporters that jail life hasn't been all that bad. He has a caring cellmate, a mint on the pillow every night.
Camping Out At Macys
Ohio family that had lost it's home to foreclosure & had taken up residence in tent in Macy's Outdoor section, has been told by the store to stay where they are as it's bringing in lots of customers.
New Jerry Garcia Stamps Ready
The United Postal Service has announced the sale of their new $5.00 Jerry Garcia postage stamp with the special U-Lick-Em glue on the back.
New Law Has Mixed Response
A new law in New Jersey will force state's teenager drivers to display a special sticker on the back of their car. The law is being condemned by Free Speech Advocates, but cheered by teen kidnappers.
Tennessee Songwriter Wins Big!
In Tennessee, Lawrence Gilliam Jones, Grandpa Jones grandson, has been named the BMI Songwriter of the Year with his huge bestseller, "She's A Hog For Love".
Ala. Scouts The First In Nation
The Greater Alabama Council Boy Scouts of American say they are the first in the nation to be 100% Counselor molester free!
China Building Panda Center
China has announced that it is building a new Panda Center, saying they should have over 100,000 U.S. new black & white police cars ready to go by end of this year.
Should Be A Riot
The United States is boycotting the U.N. racism conference, but individual KKK members, Communists, Rev. Wright and Radio Talk Show hosts to attend.
Obama Asks For More Time
President Obama reaches out to United State's antagonists, asking for more time for him to find a few honest people to fill his staff offices.
Earth Day Longer This Year
This year Earth Day should last for at least a week, say environmental group. Earth at least another one hundred years.
Nursing Homes Try New Tack
Many rest homes are trying a new tack. "Sharper longer tacks should check amount of ass fat better, says Spokesman.
Transvestites At Hybrid Car Shows
China to use transvestites at Auto Shows featuring their new lower-cost, 60 MPG hybrid models.
CIA: Too Many Only Know One Language
The CIA is still lacking on language skills, according to a just released report. Most only speak one language. Recommend that all new recruits at least learn Spanish, English.
Pirate Attack Foiled
Pirates attack foiled as NATO releases some of those captured earlier. If keeping score, that's NATO 7, Pirates 3.
Green camping, fishing, more in natural "Open air" leading many to be treated for allergies and nature's mosquito attacks & diseases.
Jane Asher has agreed to donate her brain to medical science
She hopes scientists will be able to discover more about the cause of Mr Kipling's Disease
written by Roy Turse, 20 April 2009
Jamie Foxx To Star As Dennis Rodman
Jamie Foxx has agreed to star in The Dennis Rodman Story. Foxx will have to get a dozen piercings, 20 tattoos, and 10-inch high basketball shoes.
Like The Simon & Garfunkel Song
The International Food Federation has determined that parsley when mixed with sage, rosemary, and thyme can actually produce a very harmonious and melodic salad.
The Circus Wants A Bailout
The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus has asked the U.S. for a bailout. A circus spokesmen said that it has become much to expensive to continue to shoot the man out of the cannon.
Jennifer Aniston & Lindsay Lohan
In the amazing coincidence department. Lindsay Lohan is being considered to star in 'The Jennifer Aniston Story.' And Jennifer Aniston is being considered to star in 'The Lindsay Lohan Story.'
The French Poodle Jockeys
The age old French custom of racing thoroughbred horses with poodles as jockeys is being discontinued immediately. Research studies found that many of the poodles were developing race related trauma.
Susan Boyle is really Mickey Dolenz says Davy Jones
Pint-sized former teen popstar Davy Jones angrily outed Susan Boyle as Mickey Dolenz on the Larry King Show. Davy said "It's a stunt for Mickey's latest album- no-one believes me cos I'm short"
'Susan Boyle' is my former client 'Jade Goody' says Max
The silver stoat Max Cliffhord says he is entitled to 50% of Susan Boyle's fortune because she is really Jade Goody. "You never saw them together did you- there's the proof" said Max yesterday.
Susan Boyle is Eddie Large says Sid Little
'Supersonic' Sid claims Susan Boyle is his former partner Eddie Large who bullied him in the seventies. You can tell by the neck and good singing voice - are people blind and deaf?