Brutus Cleared: Family Says Justice At Last
Scientists have cleared Brutus of helping to murder Julius Caesar in 44BCE after sifting through newly discovered DNA evidence.
Trouble Troubled No More
Leona Helmsley's dog, a 9-year-old Maltese named Trouble, now down to only a measly $2 million because of the stock market, jumps off high rise.
Need A Play-Off..What Was That?
Space storm alert: We're moving closer & closer to the edge of a disaster from sun storms blasting earth with heat, cutting off technology. Meanwhile congress still debates the College Football Poll.
NRA In A Quandary
Insiders say same-sex shotgun wedding leaves the National Rifle Association not knowing whether to shit or go blind.
Former Wrestler Referee: It Was Fake!
The whistle-blower among the retired referees of some of the country's best wrestlers claims that the bouts were programed and fixed. Now in witness protection program.
Obama on Michelle #2
"… and you know I like you going down on me - it's the only time I can shut you up!"
Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 6
written by iscrivener, 10 April 2009
American's Health Improving!
Report: Healthy Magazine says the average American is getting healthier as they now cannot afford expensive snacks and fast foods and are eating at healthy soup kitchens.
Dropping The Ball
While last year NYC's Mayor Bloomberg had Bill and Hillary Clinton drop the ball on New Year's Eve, this next year it's supposed to be dropped by the Detroit Lions.
Still Not Getting it
General Motors announced today that they now have a car that gets 55 miles per gallon and runs on whale blubber and clubbed baby seals.
Blago Selling Seat In Prison
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering selling his "seat", once his prison sentence is carried out, to the highest bidder.
Phoney Psychic Arrested
Phony psychic arrested after making thousands of dollars telling people she was the one that Martin Luther King came to to explain those dreams he had.
Part Of Inaugeration Lip-Synched
It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. Crowd became suspicious when Oprah did violin solo.
Obama Reality Setting In
Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in and so has his mother-in-law.
I'll Be Blind Anytime Now
Study: While breast feeding can increase a person's I.Q., it also contributes to another person's bad eyestrain.
Platypus Genome Mapping
Genome mapping of the Duckbill Platypus reveals unique mixture of reptile, mammal, bird and Michael Jackson.
Gorilla Celebrates BirthdayIn Usual Style
The oldest gorilla in captivity celebrates 55th birthday by fling 1000th handful of poo at those celebrating.
A Vicious Circle
Scientists say that weak economy causing more and more people to eat beans therefore releasing even more methane gas into atmosphere.
Las Vegas Discount Coupons
Las Vegas advertises by placing discount coupons for hookers on the Yellow Pages in Vegas telephone book.
Another Lost Tribe Joke
Another Story Debunked: Amazon Tribe Not "Lost". Show visitors where they are on Google Earth, Starbucks around the corner.
PETA Protests Man Eaten By Crocs
Wife sees man eaten by crocodile after he attempts to swim river on drunk night out as PETA protests giving alcohol to crocodiles.
The New Danish Yahoo Name
Denmark, a country which is very liberal when it comes to anything of a sexual nature has given permission for Yahoo to operate in Denmark under the name of Yahooters.
The Japanese Chopstick Shortage
Japan facing the worst chopstick shortage in history plans on switching over to popsicle sticks.
The Elton John Affair
Fox News is reporting that last year Elton John had an affair with himself. The singer when asked for a comment denied it saying, "I am dedicated, devoted, and faithful to my husband, thank you."
The LA Water Rationing Gig
Due to the water shortage, Los Angeles will have to implement a water rationing program. Residents fear that next they may see a rationing of Botox, pink hair dye, tongue studs, and tattoo ink.
The Las Vegas Blue Pill
In an attempt to lure back more of the older gamblers, some of the Las Vegas casinos will now be offering free Viagara.
Introducing "Iceland Idol"
"Icleand Idol" an offshoot of "American Idol" held auditions and 11 people showed up. The judges picked ten who will compete as the final ten.
Miley Cyrus - The A Minus Cup
In an effort to raise even more money, Billy Ray Cyrus has just put Miley's training bra up on eBay.
Nintendo's New Octuplets Game
Nintendo has just announced that they will be putting out a new game which should be in stores by Memorial Day. The new game is based on the Suleman Octuplets and is called, "Nadya's Theme #8"
The Bad, Bad Egyptian Economic Crisis
Due to the downward spirallying economy, Egypt has decided to put a total of 18 pyramids on eBay.
Paris Hilton's Emergency Room Visit
A woman from India has just set the world's record by rubbing 24 chilies in her eyes. Meanwhile in Malibu Beach, Paris Hilton had to go to the emergency room because of a loose eyelash in her eye.
Bargaining For Hostage
Somali pirates holding an American hostage on a drifting lifeboat want $2 million for his release, a fellow pirate onshore said on Friday. In response, Obama empties desk drawer of petty cash.
Lorena Bobbitt Interview
Lorena Bobbitt says in an interview that as a kid, her parents were always waking her up at night and telling her she'd been whittling in bed again.
Easter Bunny Fired!
The kid's Easter Bunny at mall in Pittsburgh has been fired after his costume leg rolled up to show an electric bracelet.
Limbaugh Gets Unusual Call
According to the National Questioner, Rush Limbaugh got a call from the fattest man in the Guinness Book of Records on his talk show warning him to "Back Up, Mister".
Sweden Authorities Pursue Stripper's Tax, Strippers
Sweden's tax authorities are seeking the bare facts about webcam strippers' income, estimate hundreds of Swedish women are dodging the law. The authorities have been joined by over 100,000 volunteers.
Boston Hospital Transplant
Boston hospital performs face transplant as William Shatner now looks like Brad Pitt with a bad wig.
There's The Tunnel, I'm Off!
With the economy in a slump, how old is too old to work? "Right up until you enter the tunnel of light", say most economists.
Obama Positive Of Economic Possibilities
President Barack Obama says the economy is starting to show "a glimmer of a not too distant future possibility of hope, perhaps." Market rallies on news!
Rove: Biden A Liar
Karl Rove called Joe Biden a "blowhard" and a "liar" in response to some of the vice president's comments about the Bush administration. "He wouldn't know the truth if it bit him in the ass."
Dragon Gets Anreson
Dave Arneson, one of the co-creators of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game and a pioneer of role-playing entertainment, died after a two-year battle with a dragon.
Satan "Bullied & Forgotten"
Lord Satan (10,2890) Has today asked that the world does not forget him and his hilarious ways. "Afteral, if it wasn't for me, you'd be working this weekend and not be out enjoying the rain".
written by Rula Nation, 10 April 2009
We are the killer bees
Killer bees attack the White House. They have complaints about being left out of the stimulus package.
written by disciple, 10 April 2009
Kim Jong Very Ill Appears on N Korean Rocket
In his first appearance, Very Ill Kim Jong showed the N. Koreans and the world his renewed health as he rode the NK bottle rocket 100 metres into inner space. Ill cried: Yee Ha, Korean for Holy Shit!
Blower Busts a NUT over Ed Money
Teachers Union leader Christine Blower insists she knows how to do the job of educating UK youth. We of NUT aren't crazy. Blower vowed to get down on her knees to do job #1.
Commander Obama Sends Pirate-Fighter Admiral Pan to Somalia
Commander in Chief Barack Obama is the first US President to fight pirates since Jefferson. Obama never one to hesitate has sent former Lost Boy, avid pirate-fighter and now Admiral P Pan to Somalia
RC Arch of Westminister Won't Use Condoms
Roman Catholic nubile Archbishop of Westminister denounced a proposed ad campaign for the latest sex protectors: "I wouldn't use those things! I hear they reduce God-given pleasure!"