DEATH VALLEY, California – (Satire News) – In an unprecedented decision, the US Bureau of Weather has just issued a directive condemning Death Valley.
A spokeswoman for the USBW, stated that with the daily temperatures hitting the 160s, the agency just had no choice but to close it, in order to protect visitors from becoming sizzling human slabs of bacon.
One desert inspector said that in his 40-plus year career he has never heard rattlesnakes crying from the sheer heat of the sun’s rays.
He noted that even spiders have stopped mating due to the heat causing painful blisters on their private parts.
And the House of Representative's resident bitch Marjorie Taylor Greene remarked that if she had her way, the entire state of California would be condemned.
Comedian Ricky Gervais chimed in saying that if MTG was any uglier, the CIA would have to pick her up, and exile her to some secluded place in Afghanistan.
