DEATH VALLEY, California – (Satire News) – Veteran meteorologists are saying that they have never seen nothing like the hellacious heat wave that is blasting Death Valley.
Accuweather forecaster Burton “Heat Index” Fitzfarmer, who has been in the weather business for 49 years, says that it is so friggin’ hot in Death Valley that the sand is actually catching fire.
He noted that you can clearly hear the grains of sand sizzling as if one is cooking industrial bacon.
When asked by reporters what the hell is going on, Fitzfarmer shook his head and replied that he would have to blame it on the obligatory Global Warming.
After thinking for a moment, he then noted that part of the blame would have to also fall on El Nino.
He then added that secondary blame would have to be assigned to La Nina, and a third integer thrown into the mix would have to be the newly discovered Los Abuelos (The Grandparents).
A Death Valley guide reported seeing rattlesnakes actually crying from the heat; and he was quick to point out that in the entire history of rattlesnakes, no one has ever seen a rattlesnake cry or even whimper for that matter.
SIDENOTE: Reports are that the state of Massachusetts is sending 7 truck loads loaded with Dasani water to Death Valley, along with 2 truck loads of sweat-soaking sponges.