WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – The U.S. Department of the Interior has just announced that the 2021 Cicada Invasion is causing all types of major havoc all over the country.
According to renowned cicada expert Dr. Elton F. Dunpico, professor at Left Coast College, in Carpinteria, California, these pesky little plastic-looking creatures have no respect for property, people, or pets.
He noted that a flock of cicadas in Topeka, Kansas, recently picked up an adult milk cow and were starting to carry it away, but luckily farmer Noah Crowcastle, was able to beat the swarm of cicadas off with a Black & Decker industrial shovel and they dropped the cow, who was uninjured, but scared out-of-it’s-wits.
And at Andrews Air Force Base, a large group of about 8,245 cicadas managed to get into all of the engines of President Biden’s Air Force One and it was not able to move even 2-inches.
An insecticide company was called and they sprayed the entire plane with the most powerful insecticide known to man, Hercules 13-QZ.
The insecticide sprayer commented that it really did not have much of an impact on the strong-as-hell cicadas, who could be heard giggling and coughing softly.
And in Baltimore, a MLB baseball game between the New York Mets and the Baltimore Orioles had to be postponed when a flock of cicadas invaded the stadium and totally covered up the pitcher’s mound, home plate, the bullpens, and both dugouts.
Meanwhile a Jack-in-the-Box in Hackensack, New Jersey, had to shut down when the cicadas began attacking vehicles waiting in line at the drive-thru.
SIDENOTE: President Biden and Vice-President Harris are having an emergency meeting to see about having the U.S. Army step in and take care of the dreaded “Cicada Invasion.”