First Black Hole Image Released: Einstein Speaks Out

Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 11 April 2019

image for First Black Hole Image Released: Einstein Speaks Out
No, not this black hole.

Following the astonishing release of the first ever images of a black hole, the late Dr Albert Einstein, the little-known theoretical physicist and Nobel prize winner, has spoken out today through clairvoyant conman medium Derek Acora. Mr Acora's spirit guide rejoices under the name of "Elsie Kred" which is an unfortunate anagram of "Derek lies." Mr Acora assures The Spoof that this is a complete coincidence.

Astronomers have taken the first ever image of a black hole, which measures 40 billion km across and is located in a distant galaxy. It has been described by scientists as "a monster". The black hole is 500 million trillion km away, and was photographed by the Event Horizon Telescope (EHT), a network of eight telescopes across the world.

Prof Heino Falcke, of Radboud University in the Netherlands, who proposed the experiment, told BBC News that the black hole was found in a galaxy called M87. Currently it cannot be found on motorists' satnavs, which will require updating.

"What we see is larger than the size of our entire Solar System," he said. "It has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun, and it is one of the heaviest black holes that we think exists. It is an absolute monster, a bigger monster than the late child molester fatty Cyril Smith, and is the heavyweight champion of black holes in the Universe."

According to Mr Acora, Dr Einstein has said "Ja, it's true they are real and not a figment of my imagination. About time, too. Even though my calculations and thought experiments showed that black holes could indeed exist, I didn't really believe in them. I thought it would be impossible for matter to be compressed to this extent, but now I am here to confront the doubters and to say 'I told you so'. Now go and find that dark matter, losers."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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