Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 19 January 2019

image for New Study Shows that Everything Happens for No Reason Whatsoever
While Einstein claimed that "God does not play dice," a new study indicates that in fact, it's all a crapshoot.

A new study conducted by the Quantum Institute of Life Theory strongly suggests that contrary to the feel-good mantra that everything happens for a (presumably divine) reason, in actual fact everything happens for no reason whatsoever.

“It’s a little disturbing,’ admitted physicist, Dr. Leonardo Turo. “Depending on how you look at it, I guess.”

According to Dr. Turo, the research results additionally showed that there most certainly are coincidences. "Lots of them, all totally random," he said. "Chaos theory is pretty much where it’s at.”

As if the lack of reason for everything's happening weren’t disconcerting enough, the results of the QILT study have also called into serious question the existence of free will.

“We've historically been baffled by the fact that people consistently perpetuate Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results,” said Dr. Turo. “Well, we've now scientifically determined that there is no reason at all for people’s behavior, let alone any sort of logical decision. Basically, people are just kind of out there, doing stuff. It's no more complex than that."

The physicist concluded by referencing Albert Einstein's oft-quoted assertion that God does not play dice. "With all due respect to Einstein," said Dr. Turo, "he was way off, there. From what we can tell, there's no evidence of any God - and there are a whole lot of dice." He chuckled wryly. "In other words, it's all basically a crapshoot."

Alarmed by the potential personal and societal implications of the QILT study, a number of prominent figures, like motivational guru Tony Robbins, challenged Dr. Turo, demanding to know what possible incentive people might have for continuing to carry on in a haphazard, chaotic world in which nothing, including their own actions, happens for any reason whatsoever.

Dr. Turo didn't pretend to have any answers. "No idea," he said, shrugging apologetically. "I guess they could try turning to religion.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more