Hand, Developed Over Tens of Millions Years Evolution, Drops Phone Once a Week.

Written by Aes Dukirebzi

Sunday, 24 July 2016

image for Hand, Developed Over Tens of Millions Years Evolution, Drops Phone Once a Week.

The hand (largely credited with Man's triumph over nature and other deeply intelligent mammalian, cephalopodic, and avian life) is still incapable of retaining its grip on a small roughly rectangular shape for any significant duration of time, studies show.

"The hand has enabled primates to develop beyond the realm of expectation compared to their evolutionary cousins," Commented Professor Marvin Sherry from atop the Grand Canyon. "It has been fine-tuned for a period of time far greater than it took to form this massive canyon, however, it still makes me drop these damn things, like, everyday." Lamented Sherry as he watched his phone descend the 1800 meter drop into the Colorado River.

While the five digited appendage has widely been credited with our apparent supremacy over the animal kingdom, it is increasingly confounded when it comes to mustering the dexterity to restrain an item weighing less than a pound in its grip.

"The Great Pyramid of Giza was constructed using techniques still debated to this day, though it is inarguable that it would have been impossible to build with fin, talon, or wing," Lectured Sherry while seemingly impossibly balanced at the pyramids apex. "However, while it has enabled the implementation of sophisticated tools, the hand is an utter failure at maintaining possession of over-priced communication devices," Sighed Sherry, as his phone bounce down the 364 cubit west face.

As cellular phones become more intrinsic to our daily lives, doubling in many cases as payment options or even proof of identity, it is becoming more necessary to take precautions to ensure their durability and security. Particularly since the hand (which we learn to use from birth, has been responsible for climbing cliff faces and mountain sides, and has proven capable of operating precise instruments) refuses to handle a phone with any dependency.

"At one point in time stunt devils would compete for fame at this historic location, resorting to all kinds of exploits: ironing laundry on a tightrope, descending the falls in nothing but a barrell!" Said Sherry as he pointed to the rapids of Niagra from the view in our rented hot air balloon. "It is truly amazing what we have been able to accomplish due in part to this fabulous appendage- Oh fuck."

It is certifiably true that the hand's failure to maintain possession of the 3rd most important human accessory falls only behind the failures of the brain, for always misplacing the goddamn keys and losing your wallet.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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