Scientists Believe Today may be Tuesday

Funny story written by thomas o'hanlon

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Famed Astrophysicist Milo Kaka after an emergency meeting with fellow scientists at the Lyndon B. Johnson space station this morning met with the press and said this: "The latest pictures arriving from the Hubble Deep Space Telescope clearly shows that we have miscalculated the beginning of time and it looks like the universe may have begun about twenty-four hours before we assumed which would make today Tuesday, not Wednesday".

Although not conclusive, Mr. Kaka in a show of confidence stated "and I am somewhat relieved at this personally because I never really felt like a Sagittarius, so imagine my delight when I found out I am actually a Scorpion and finally comfortable in my skin."

When Dr. Janice Fargo, vice president of NASA's Systemic Satellite Monitoring Division was asked what the mathematical implications were for the orbital schedule of billions of dollars of machines in space she replied
"this is bullshit, I woke up this morning and it was hump day, now it's not? What the hell man?"
As she spoke at the podium of NASA's outdoor balcony a fiery object, later identified as a satellite, hurtled to the ground in the distance at a rapid speed. Its impact created a large explosion with a bright flash that lit up the evening sky in bright orange. Turning to the source of the commotion and back to the stunned audience of reporters Dr. Fargo added "where was I? Oh yeah, if they think I'm working 6 days this week they got another thing coming"

In Oslo, the hands of the atomic clock were rotating rapidly in opposite directions while strange whirring sounds and broken spring noises emanated from the clock itself.
"An Atomic clock shouldn't be making such noises" said a calm Orlink Shmeel, keeper of the atomic clock while rummaging through the facilitie's lunch room refrigerator "Hey look, this yogurt expired yesterday, guess it's still good after all" he added excitedly while fetching a plastic spoon. "It's like I won the lottery!"

On Capitol Hill Congress is split down pawn party lines on this matter. While Republicans insist on ignoring the news by shouting in unison "IT'S WEDNESDAY!", The democrats on the other side of the aisle, suspecting this is the change the nation has been waiting for shout "IT'S TUESDAY". Taking turns shouting these phrases back and forth for hours, house leader Paul Ryan asked for a break in the action and for both sides to consider a compromise. After the break the republicans shouted 'IT'S TUESDAY" and of course the Dems shouted "ITS WEDNESDAY!"

When astrophysicist Kaka was asked how he felt about the chaos that his finding has created he said "Yesterday when I was a Sagittarius I would have deep concern over the disharmony that has enveloped the world, but today, as a Scorpion I find it to be rather amusing. Especially" he continued while a large smile stretched across his face "the video of the atomic clock! Holy crap, I never imagined it would look like that!"

AS of this writing Congress had grown farther apart on this matter, splitting into several factions with various opinions: "SUNDAY AROUND SUN UP", "WEDNESDAY AT DUSK", "FRIDAY AFTERNOON FOURISH"

As this most amazing event continues to unfold and immediate ramifications reshape and change the world each and every minute it pains this reporter that I cannot stick with it because it is Tuesday evening (I think) and I have bowling again and a chance to redeem myself for the plethora of gutter balls I landed last night.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more