Brits claim Mars as rainwater identified on surface

Funny story written by Toeknee Abcess

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

The UK government has declared Mars British territory after NASA confirmed rainwater has been found on its surface.

British PM David Cameron made the announcement this morning in London. "Good morning, God Bless the Queen, her corgis and Prince Charles' ears. The British government confirms that we are putting our claim for Mars to become British territory to the United Nations Assembly following confirmation by NASA that rainwater has been found there. This is clear evidence that the British are the natural owners of the planet. Mars looks like every one of our cities - well apart from being red not grey - London, Glasgow, Cardiff, Liverpool, Belfast, Birmingham, and Scunthorpe - if you'll excuse the expression. They're all full of rainwater by the megalitre."

Pressed by journalists to justify the claim, Cameron replied "We still own Gibraltar, that ape-infested rock and Godforsaken town on the end of Spain. We still own The Falklands, that bigger, wetter, windier and drearier rock just off Argentina, Rule Brittania. Mars shares many of the same characteristics - they are all nowhere near the UK, we didn't discover them, and are all of little or no value to anybody. At least Mars may be a new place one day where Brits will be allowed to holiday, get pissed on beer and mixers, eat fish and chips and shag everything in sight."

Reactions around the world were mixed but mostly negative. Vladimir Putin, who has made it clear that Russia wants to annex Mars, because it's still Red, was adamant the UK won't be allowed to claim ownership. "Vee veell naart allow thee Breeteesh to eenvade Marrzz. Thaat's a Russian naational sport, just arrsk thee Ukranian Fasceest Darrgs". An emergency meeting of the UN Security Council has been called at which the British claims will be debated. The Spoof will report back on the outcome.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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